Your Life Can Change in a Moment
by coloradoperson
Summary: Bella didn't like surprises. Her life was safe, predictable and she knew what to expect until fate brought her breast cancer and everything changed. This is not a tragedy; it's a story about love and hope..because that's what life is all about.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N – I love fanfic, and I've always wanted to write a story. They say you should write about what you know in your first story, and what I know is breast cancer. Maybe breast cancer is too real, but hope, courage and love, especially love, are also real, and that's really what this story is all about. This is my breast cancer journey and the journeys of the people I love - my mom, my sister and my friends, Bev and Barb - seen through the eyes of Bella and Edward._

_It is dedicated to all of those who have been touched by cancer and their incredible courage, strength and spirit._

_Thank you to Momz for her pre-reading and the support that kept me going. Love you…_

_Twilight world belongs to Stephenie Meyer, not me_

_*******************************.  
><strong>_

_**Chapter One. Now.**_

_Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily. - __Gilda Radner_

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><p>Life doesn't get any better than this, I thought, as I turned on the computer. It was perfect - coffee and Facebook on a rainy Saturday morning and no second graders. I love my kids and teaching, but molding the minds of young children can be exhausting, and I needed a break.<p>

The first new post on my wall is from someone I never thought would be on Facebook - my Dad. He's a man of few words, and all he writes is 'morning' on my wall. In Charlie-speak, that means he loves me, misses me, and is proud I'm his daughter. He hates the internet, but he needs to do this. He needs to let me know these things every day in any way he can. This is what happens after your daughter has cancer. I tell him back and remind him to be safe when he's doing his Chief of Police thing.

There are ten posts from Mom. Renee is not a person of few words. She tells me she loves me, misses me, and is proud I'm her daughter after every post. She also needs to let me know these things every day in any way she can because of the cancer.

Jessica Stanley is eating blueberry waffles for breakfast.

A college classmate sent a friend request. I don't think I liked her, but I accept it anyway. What the hell.

It's snowing in Colorado, beautiful in Florida.

A friend from high school is going to take belly dancing classes.

My bitter divorced friend posted a depressing music video about a cheating husband. I guess she forgot she's the one who cheated.

My man reminds me he wants to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate our six month wedding anniversary. I type a happy face and tell him I love him.

My darling Angela, my breast cancer sister, leaves me two hearts. That's it, just two hearts. I speak back and leave her two hearts. We speak the same language, Angela and I. We are telling each other we have another day, another day to live, another day to love. We do this every day. When I see her hearts, I always whisper a thank you to whoever or whatever controls these things because she's still here, because my beautiful Angela is alive and healthy.

I looked at the sticky note on the computer and wondered why I bothered. It's not likely I would forget this appointment. All it says is THE MAMMOGRAM and the day and time. It's not an ordinary mammogram like I've been getting every three months and then every six months - it is THE mammogram, the one I've been waiting for. This is my victory mammogram, the one that will make me feel normal, be normal. If it's clear, I will officially be a breast cancer survivor, and I won't have to go back for a year, an entire year, 365 days, like a normal person. It's hard to explain why I'm so excited to have another mammogram - it's a breast cancer thing.

The rest of my day is filled with doing the simple things I love and appreciate so much more now. I updated my IPOD with the depressing, bitter cheating song and other unbitter music. I chatted with Angela, did some laundry and watched my favorite movie, _Enchanted. _It's about fate, love and magical moments, and I believe in those things. I know they made the movie just for me. My husband thinks I'm crazy when I say that, and I texted him to tell him again just to make him laugh. He called to tell me he loves me and what time he'll be home, and hearing his voice reminded me again how lucky I am to have this man in my life.

Later, I pulled out an old picture from high school, the one I keep in my dresser drawer, the one I look at every now and then. It doesn't make sense to go back, but I do it anyway. I can't help myself.

Edward and those damn green eyes.

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_I met Edward Cullen one September day in high school when I was a junior, and he was a senior. He had moved to my little hometown of Forks, Washington the year before, but I never noticed him. My parent's divorce helped me to not notice anything that was going on around me as I closed myself off to the world until Edward walked into my life. _

_He was behind me in the cafeteria line. I think I felt him first. There was some kind of weird electric thing drawing me in. I remember turning around and looking at him. That copper hair, those damn green eyes, that body - he was stunning. He literally took my breath away. We both reached for the last chocolate pudding, and when our hands touched, that was it for me. I guess he felt the same way because I walked away with a new boyfriend and the chocolate pudding. _

_I never thought I was capable of feeling the love and trust I had for Edward. I loved his smile. I loved when he ran his fingers through his hair when he was frustrated or upset. I loved his beautiful face. He was kind, smart, understanding, and incredibly funny. He told me corny jokes to make me laugh and bought me silly presents. He helped heal me after my parent's divorce and made me believe in fate, love and magi cal moments. And he loved chocolate pudding almost as much as he loved me._

_We spent every minute we could together. His parents, Esme and Carlisle, welcomed me into their family with no hesitation and loved me like a daughter. Charlie acted like he was always annoyed by Edward, but I could tell he liked him. Renee loved everyone, especially Edward. She was just that kind of person, seeing the best in everyone, except my dad. She couldn't see anything good in my dad. Edward and his family - his sister, Alice, her boyfriend, Jasper, Edward's brother, Emmett, and his girlfriend, Rose - crashed into my life and made it complete. It was like we were pieces to the same puzzle. We all just fit._

_I felt like I was exactly where I belonged. _

_It wasn't perfect. He was always tripping over the shoes I left everywhere and would throw them at me. He could be a cocky douche bag around his friends, pretending he was someone he wasn't, and it either pissed me off or hurt my feelings depending on the day and what bullshit he was handing out. I would get jealous and bitchy when the girls at school hung all over him. He would stand at the refrigerator and drink out of the carton and leave one tiny sip in it because he was too fucking lazy to throw it out. That drove me crazy. I hated my food touching on the plate and whined when it did. That drove him crazy. We definitely had our differences, but we worked them out. We always worked them out. _

_Sex was the big problem. Or the lack of it, I should say. I said I was scared I would get pregnant. I said I was terrified Charlie would find out and castrate Edward. I made a lot of excuses, but the truth was I just wasn't ready, as much as I loved Edward. It's not like we didn't do anything. We spent many nights on the edge, almost there, so close, until I pushed him off me and said no. He was frustrated, and I was frustrated. I wanted it, he wanted it, and I felt like I was a huge disappointment to him. We both knew he could get what he wanted from any number of girls at school, but he never used that to pressure me. He used other things - like love and guilt - and always felt bad afterward. It was one big hormonal merry-go-round that drove us both crazy, but I believed there wasn't anything Edward and I couldn't work out. I knew we could hang on until I was ready._

_Edward graduated and was getting ready for his first year at the University of Washington in Seattle. He didn't want to leave me at first. He wanted to hold off a year so we could go together, but I told him to get a grip, that it was just a few months, and we'd be fine. _

_It worked in the beginning. He came home on weekends, and when he couldn't, I went to him. Charlie wasn't too thrilled about that, but decided it wasn't a battle he wanted to have, mostly because he knew he would lose. He was pretty sweet about it, though, and checked my oil and tires before every trip even though he didn't want me to go. He thought he was being sneaky, but I knew. _

_Edward lived with two brothers, Jake and James. He seemed so impressed by them, and I couldn't understand why. They were rich and spoiled and lived to party and fuck anything with a heartbeat. At first, they tried to flirt with me and charm me, and I couldn't help laughing every time they did. They were so disgustingly phony and shallow. After that, they didn't hide their dislike for me. I knew they gave Edward a hard time about me, but I tried to put up with them. I'll never understand why I did that, why I didn't tell him I was uncomfortable with his roommates. I just didn't. Maybe it was because he seemed so happy there. Edward felt grown-up and sophisticated, living with his two rich roommates in that beautiful condo overlooking Puget Sound, and I didn't feel threatened by that. I had an unwavering belief that his small town girlfriend would always fit into his life._

_As the months went by, though, I began to question that belief. Things were getting strange. Edward started drinking and partying with his roommates more and more. He didn't come home as much and became too busy for me to visit. He had to study, he said. I didn't believe him, and we fought. I felt him slipping away. I thought maybe we should have sex, that it would help. I was ready by then, but decided I didn't want to have sex just to hang on to Edward. I wanted it to happen because of love, not desperation. _

_The night before my 18th birthday, Edward called to tell me he was having car trouble and couldn't come home. He didn't sound himself, but I thought he was just preoccupied with his car troubles. It didn't occur to me to question why he didn't ask me to drive to him. _

_After a restless night with little sleep, I woke up way too early to a birthday I didn't want to celebrate without Edward, and decided to go to him. I thought being together would help us get through whatever it was we were going through. I thought maybe there would be no desperation, and we would have sex and become us again. I thought about calling him, but decided to surprise him. That's what I told myself, anyway. Looking back, I think I had other reasons for not calling him, like suspicion and needing to know the truth. _

_The door to the condo was wide open, and I walked right in. Everything was quiet, and it looked like there was one hell of a party the night before. Something in the back of my head told me walking in was a bad idea, that I should just leave, but I ignored that voice. I told myself this was Edward, someone I knew as well as myself. I had nothing to worry about, I thought. _

_I was so naïve, so stupid._

_I saw them as soon as I opened the door. _

_This boy who I loved with everything in me, who I trusted more than I'd ever trusted another human being, was screwing another girl, and I had walked right into it. _

_I stood there, looking at him on top of her. _

_Edward turned his head to look at me, and I'll never forget his face. He was surprised alright. _

_I whispered his name, all my heartbreak wrapped into that one word, and walked away from him, from us, from everything. _

_This was the first time I learned your life can change in a moment. _

_After, I did what I always do when I'm hurt - I closed myself off. I refused to see Edward. I wouldn't take his calls. I ripped up his notes and letters. I cut his family and friends out of my life and stopped believing in fate, love and magical moments. I blamed myself because I didn't have sex with him. I blamed his roommates. I blamed the blonde. I blamed him. _

_I was devastated._

_When he finally left me alone, I thought I would be relieved. I guess I was in a way, but not seeing him at all just about broke me. I concentrated on school and work and hung on as best as I could until I could get the hell out of Forks. All I wanted to do was run, and that's exactly what I did when school was over. I didn't even stick around for graduation and told them to mail me my fucking diploma. _

_I ran to my mom, to Phoenix. Being with her comforted my heart, and I decided to attend college there. Time and distance helped. The first two years were rough, but I forced myself to start to live again. I made friends. I had some fun and even dated. I finally had sex and cried afterward. I couldn't celebrate my birthday when it came around, and I refused to think about Edward._

_It was just my luck that the best teaching job I could find to apply for after graduation was in Seattle. I thought getting it was a long shot, but sometimes fate likes to fuck with me, and I was hired. I had mixed feelings about going back to Seattle, but I took the job and built a life. I knew what to expect. I made sure my life was comfortable and predictable because I didn't like surprises. I thought I was happy; at least, I told myself I was. _

_I tried to find someone who made me feel the way Edward did, but didn't. I tried to love someone the way I loved Edward, but couldn't. Thinking about him was still unbelievably painful. In those rare moments I allowed those damn green eyes into my mind, I had to admit to myself I would never completely let go of Edward. I knew there would always be a soft whisper of need and want and love flowing through me for him. _

_As the years went by, I was able to think about him again without that familiar overwhelming pain piercing my heart. I realized I had many regrets. I regretted letting go of his family so callously without explanation. I was sorry I shut Edward out so completely, that I was so unforgiving and didn't give him a chance. Edward was a good person. He was a young guy who got caught up in some shit and got in way over his head. He made a mistake that hurt me deeply, but he deserved for me to at least listen to him. I thought maybe we could have gotten through it if I had, but I wasn't sure. _

_Somewhere along the line, I forgave him. I knew he would hate himself for what he did, but I hoped he was happy and able to put it all behind him. I came to terms with the regrets I had. I went on with my safe life and hoped I would find someone who touched me the way Edward did - someone I could love, someone who would help me believe in fate, love and magical moments again._

_*******************************.**_

I put the picture back in my drawer along with all the memories of that time. My mister will be home soon, hungry as shit, and I needed to get ready.

He walks through the door an hour later.

My husband of six months still takes my breath away.

He looks at me and smiles.

"I missed you, baby."

And I run into his arms and say his name just to remind myself that this is real, that he is real, and that fate, love and magical moments really do exist.

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter Two. Now.**_

_**Giselle**__**: **__[__after leaving the shower__] Good morning, Robert. I hope you had wonderful dreams._

_**Robert Philip**__**: **__I think I'm still in one._

_From the movie Enchanted_

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><p>I laughed out loud when I read my wife's text message.<p>

Bella and Enchanted - a match made in heaven. She still insists that Enchanted was made just for her. Well, maybe it was. Who the hell knows? I believe anything is possible these days. I don't know how many times she's watched that movie. I don't know how many times _I've_ watched it with her, but it's enough to know all the lines and most of the song lyrics. I know there's a line in that movie that had something to do with us getting together as soon as we did, but I can't figure out what it is, and she won't tell me. I kid her about her love affair with this movie, but I do get it. I get why she loves it. Fate, love and magical moments - it pretty much sums us up.

I call her, just to hear her voice.

"Hey, you. I love you. I'll be home at six. And you do know you're crazy, right?"

"You think so," she asks, laughing.

Bella has the most beautiful laugh I've ever heard. She's happy, happy about everything and happy about nothing, and I plan to make sure she is always this happy. I think she is most of the time. We have our crappy moments. I come home from work tired and crabby from the pressure and long hours, and she comes home impatient and snappy after dealing with a room full of second graders all day, but we work it out. We always work it out. If we know anything, we both absolutely know that life isn't perfect, that you get through the bad moments and cherish the good times.

She's waiting for me when I walk through the door.

I look at her and smile because she always makes me smile.

"I missed you, baby."

And she runs into my arms and says my name like it holds every truth in the universe. It blows me away, and I know how lucky I am to have this chance, to have this woman as my wife, to have someone as wonderful as my Bella love me as much as she does.

She orders a lobster tail and a baked potato on separate plates for dinner, and I think we're safe from Bella throwing the plate at the poor server. Not that I would care. I love this craziness about her, and I'm glad to be here to witness it. I'm glad to be anywhere with her.

We talk about how freaking early we have to get up for the Race for the Cure, and she tells me about the mammogram.

She is so unbelievably excited, and it makes me laugh. Only Bella would be this excited about a mammogram. Maybe not, though; maybe it's a breast cancer thing.

"I'll be normal," she tells me. "I won't have to go back for a year. An entire year."

I want to tell her she already is normal, but she won't hear me. This mammogram is what _she_ needs to feel normal, to officially be a breast cancer survivor instead of a breast cancer patient, and she won't feel normal until she is past it. This is her milestone, her victory, and I will celebrate with her, but I won't be quite as excited as she is until I know it's clear. I hold my breath after every mammogram, every test, until the results come in. I know her chances of reoccurrence are very low, but I still worry.

"Well, baby, I'd say this calls for champagne."

I'm a little superstitious about celebrating too early, but I brush it away as we toast her victory, our future and of course, fate, love and magical moments.

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter Three. Then.**_

_It's always something. - Gilda Radner_

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><p>I found the lump in my left breast while I was taking a shower. I didn't know how long it had been there and thought it was some kind of cyst or huge pimple. It wasn't very big, and I decided to ignore it because that's what I do – I ignore things.<p>

It seemed bigger and was a little tender a couple of months later, and I finally went in to have the doctor look at it.

She didn't seem too concerned because I was so young, but sent me for a mammogram anyway.

"Just in case," she said.

I was kind of annoyed. These things never turned out to be anything, and I had better things to do.

She sent me to the Breast Care Center. I was surprised. I never realized there were centers just for breasts. I heard terrible things about mammograms, but it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, which was a good thing, because I had to have four of them. The radiologist kept asking for magnified views. After he looked at the last film, he decided he wanted a better look and sent me to the ultrasound room.

I was still annoyed. These things never turned out to be anything, and I had better things to do.

The technician was chatty and smiling while she was doing the ultrasound until she wasn't. At that moment, I knew something was wrong. I saw it in her eyes.

I stopped being annoyed and realized I didn't have anything better to do.

The radiologist reviewed the ultrasound films while I dressed. A nurse manager was waiting for me and led me to her office. I would forget her name after a few months, but I would always remember her compassion.

She sat down next to me and took my hand.

"Bella, you have breast cancer."

Once again, I learned your life can change in a moment. You don't have cancer one moment, and then you do in the next.

I just stared at her. I didn't know what to say. After a couple of minutes, I found my voice and told her I didn't believe her. She showed me the ultrasound and pointed out the tumor. I noticed it was no longer a 'lump'. It had been upgraded to something more important, more ominous - a tumor. It looked like a cumulus cloud with wispy edges.

"Couldn't this be something else," I asked her.

"No. This is what a breast cancer tumor looks like, Bella," she said. "Tumors that aren't malignant don't look like this. Their edges are smooth, not wispy, and they don't look like a cloud."

She said I should believe them because they knew.

The word 'malignant' was echoing in my head.

I still had to have a biopsy even though they knew. I guess they had to make their knowing official. I asked if there was a chance they would find out this wasn't breast cancer from the biopsy. Yes, she said, if it was something that looked exactly like a breast cancer tumor that no one had ever seen before.

She gave me a gentle hug and asked me to please believe them because they knew.

I had to see doctors to schedule surgery and radiation and maybe an oncologist for chemotherapy to poison the cancer out of me. That was a big maybe, though. Some good news, I thought. Maybe this wasn't my time to die.

She tried to reassure me.

"You found the tumor early, Bella. You are lucky, so lucky."

I didn't feel lucky.

I was 26 years old, and I had breast cancer.

How could anyone call me lucky?

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**_Chapter Four. Then._**

_Having cancer gave me membership in an elite club that I'd rather not belong to.__- Gilda Radner_

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><p>After, I sat in my car. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't cry, and that surprised me. I thought I would cry, but I don't think I was ever calmer in my life than I was at that moment. I just sat there, staring out the window. People were walking in and out of the hospital, and life was going on all around me. Everything was normal, so normal, except it wasn't. I had cancer. My life had been safe, and I knew what to expect, but in a moment, everything changed; yet, nothing had changed. I didn't feel sick. I still had my life, my job, my home, and I was still me.<p>

I wondered what people did after they found out they had cancer. Make hysterical calls to your family and friends? Go to Starbucks? Buy a new outfit? Punch a hole in the wall? I was completely lost. I'd never thought about getting cancer, and I'd never thought about not having a future.

I sat there for an hour and then simply drove home because I didn't know what else to do. I made dinner. I watched TV. I went to bed. I taught my kids the next day and made my medical appointments. I kept to myself and ignored all my phone calls and text messages. I refused to think about the cancer, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I went in for the biopsy. An ultrasound guided biopsy is what they called it. I was able to watch the procedure on the ultrasound screen and thought it would have been interesting if it wasn't my breast they were invading. They called me on the third day. I wanted them to tell me that it was all a mistake, that I wouldn't have to think about cancer, but they didn't. They knew. I had breast cancer.

I sat at my kitchen table for an hour, staring out the window. I honestly didn't know what else to do. I had spent the last eight years of my life insulating myself from anything messy or unpredictable, and had no idea how to face the messiest, most unpredictable thing life could throw at me. I didn't want to have cancer. I didn't want to think about cancer or deal with it. I just wanted to breathe again – that's all I wanted

I would have ignored it all for another day had I not noticed the flyer about the new breast cancer support group at the hospital on the kitchen counter. It was that night, in an hour. I'd never been to a support group or anything like it. The thought of sharing my story, even though I didn't have much of a story, scared me. That was something I wasn't very good at, sharing my pain. It was just easier to keep it to myself and get through it. I wondered if everyone would be sad and depressed. I thought maybe I would feel worse afterwards, that it might be a mistake to go. I thought of a hundred reasons to stay home, and didn't know why I walked out the door instead of just cooking dinner and going to bed. The only thing I knew was I couldn't just sit there, not breathing. Now, I know exactly what it was I needed, what it was I was trying to find. Hope. I was looking for some hope to hang on to.

I walked into the meeting room forty five minutes later. Someone was already there. Her back was turned to me. I saw copper hair, and when she turned around to look at me, I saw familiar green eyes, those damn green eyes.

There she was, standing right in front of me - Esme Cullen, Edward's mother.

I used to run scenarios through my head of what I would do and what I would say if I ever ran into Edward or his family, but in all the circumstances I imagined - at the airport, at the grocery store, at the diner in Forks - that was never one of them. Fate came to fuck with me again.

"Bella? Bella Swan? Is that really you?"

I stood there looking at her. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I thought she was in the wrong room or maybe I was.

"Bella, sweetie, I'm thrilled to see you, but what in the world are you doing here? This is a breast cancer..."

She saw the truth in my face and turned away when she cried. When she looked at me again, the love, understanding and compassion on her face told me all I needed to know.

I ran into her arms.

I didn't think about the past or the complications seeing her would bring; all I cared about was that moment. I knew I appeared weak and scared, desperate and lost, but I didn't care because I was all those things and more. I couldn't tell her how I felt. All I could do was hold on to her and cry, and she let me. She knew that was what I needed to do because she had already been there. She told me I wasn't alone. She told me I was stronger than I thought. She didn't tell me I would be okay because she didn't know that - no one did - but she told me she would always be there for me, and it was enough.

I felt like I could breathe again.

Esme was volunteering to facilitate the support group. She was a three-year breast cancer survivor and had just returned to Seattle after living in Colorado for five years. She started the group to pay forward the hope and comfort she received when she had cancer. Five other women walked into that room, all in different stages of breast cancer treatment. We were from all walks of life and all different ages. Everyone shared their stories. They were all different, but the same.

All my life, I wanted to believe in fate, love, and magical moments. There was a time I did and then I didn't, but in that room, on that night, I came to believe in those things again. I discovered them again as I sat with those six women, all strangers but one, who were facing their own mortality. As long as I live, I know I will never witness the grace, dignity and strength I saw that night.

I didn't expect a room full of women, bald, worn out, tired women, all of them scarred in one way or another by breast cancer, would be the most alive people I'd ever been with. I expected broken women. They were not. They were full of hope and possibility. I expected bitterness and self-pity. There was none. "Anyone can get cancer," they said, "why not me?" I expected anger, but they didn't have time for anger. They were too busy fighting, surviving, and cherishing life. They took each moment as it came. They got through the bad days, the days they cried, the days they were tired and overwhelmed and weren't sure if they could keep going, and they celebrated the good days. They put one foot in front of the other and did what they had to do to survive, to have more time, more life. I didn't expect anything about breast cancer to be funny, but I was wrong. They laughed about their funky shaped bald heads, their flat chests, crappy hospital food, and throwing up in inconvenient places. They also cried about those things, they told me. Their spirits were determined, and they chose to live every moment to the fullest instead of worrying about dying. When they did worry, it seemed like it was about someone else - their husband, their kids, their parents, a friend with cancer.

They were kind, generous and supportive to me and to one another. I was almost embarrassed to be there, I told them. I felt like I hadn't suffered enough, that I hadn't been through enough. They told me what I was going through, trying to come to terms with this breast cancer thing, was just as hard as any other part of the breast cancer journey, hard in a different way. I cried, and they cried with me. They remembered when they were where I was - newly diagnosed, scared, facing the unknown. They said it was probably harder for me because I was so young. Too young, they thought.

I met my lovely Angela that night. She was 38-years-old, married, and had two kids. She was the sickest and wasn't sure if she would survive. I saw the suffering in her eyes and yet, she was so peaceful and serene, so beautiful and loving, and so courageous and optimistic. She was wearing this crazy, beautiful scarf to hide her hair loss. It made her look spunky, defiant, like she was telling cancer, "Yeah, you might kick my ass in the long run, but not today. Today is mine." That was the essence of Angela. I loved her like a sister from the moment I met her and would continue to love her for the rest of my life.

When the meeting was over, Carlisle, Edward's dad, was waiting in the hall. They insisted on taking me to dinner. They didn't want to let me go once they had me again, they told me. They wanted to hear all about my life and told me about theirs - Colorado, Carlisle's new job at the hospital, and their new home. Alice married Jasper and lived in Portland. Emmett and Rose were also married. When I heard they lived in Seattle, I couldn't believe I never ran into them.

And then there it was - Edward, the elephant in the room. Esme told me he was a doctor and was coming back to Seattle to finish his residency at the hospital. God, I felt proud, so damn proud of Edward when I heard that until reality hit me. Of course he's coming back to Seattle to work at the same hospital where I'll be receiving my treatment, I thought; fate likes to fuck with me like this.

Being with the two of them felt so familiar, so comforting, and I realized how much I loved them and how much I had missed having them in my life. The regrets I thought I had come to terms with overwhelmed me. I started crying as I thought about how I had cut these wonderful people out of my life with no explanation and how much it must have hurt them.

Carlisle looked concerned as Esme put her arm around me.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't expect this. Being with the two of you is so overwhelming for me right now. I feel the love you both have for me, and I feel like a real shit about the way I turned my back on both of you. You surely didn't deserve that. I guess what I want to do, what I need to do, is apologize to both of you and tell you how much I regret hurting you."

"Bella, losing you was hard, but we understood. You were young and in pain and did what you needed to do to take care of yourself," Carlisle told me as he took my hand.

Esme kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug.

"They way things worked out broke our hearts, Bella, but we're together again, and that's what counts. Believe me, we are not letting you go again."

I wiped away my tears and gave them both a hug. I saw forgiveness and understanding in their eyes, and it gave me more peace than my apology ever could.

As I drove home, I thought about the evening and the brave women I met. We started out as strangers, but we left as friends, linked to each other by breast cancer. They made breast cancer real for me, and I was able to accept that I was part of the club - the breast cancer club.

I knew I would have kept doing what I always did if I had not walked into that room, lost and afraid, and found hope and strength where I least expected to. Cancer was not a choice. Accepting it was not a choice. The only choice I had was _how_ I would deal with it. It would have been easy, so easy, to isolate myself and feel cheated, angry and resentful as the moments of my life dissolved in front of me, but fate or whatever controlled those things brought me to that room, and everything changed. I changed. I knew I was stronger, that I was different. I left the part of me that craved the sanctuary of safety I had built into my existence behind. It wasn't real, and it didn't work – not when it came to cancer.

I learned how to be grateful that night. I learned how to be thankful for everything, for nothing, for my family and friends, for new friends who inspired me and old friends who still loved me, for all I took for granted and assumed would always be there, and for my life, especially for my life.

This was the magic those beautiful women gave to me.

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter Five. Then.** _

_**Robert**__**:**__ [__after Giselle has bitten into the poisoned apple__] Please, don't leave me._

_From the movie Enchanted_

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><p>It was my last day at the hospital. All I could think about was getting the hell out of there and leaving behind the crying kids, drunks throwing up on me, broken bones, and blood. I was anxious to get to the cabin I had rented for a week - one solid week of doing nothing except sleeping, reading and relaxing - before I moved back to Seattle.<p>

I had a few minutes and ran down to the cafeteria for a snack. I looked at cake, pie, ice cream, fruit and chips. I tried so damn hard not to look at_, b_ut there _it_ was, right in front of me where I couldn't possibly avoid seeing it - pudding, fucking chocolate pudding. I loved chocolate pudding. I always did. I ate a ton of it when I as a kid, but I couldn't look at, much less eat it. It was ridiculous and stupid, but I couldn't help it. It reminded me too much of falling in love with Bella and how I fucked it all up.

*******************************.**

_I met Bella Swan when I was a senior, and she was a junior. _

_I was standing in line behind her in the cafeteria. I had this crazy feeling, standing there, like something was pulling me in. She turned around suddenly to look at me, and I knew I'd never seen anyone more beautiful. When we both reached for the last chocolate pudding, I touched her hand, and I knew. I really wasn't looking for a girlfriend, but there she was, walking away with my heart and my chocolate pudding._

_I fell head over heels in love with that girl. She was smart and sweet and so damn funny. She loved cooking for me. She called me on my shit. She wasn't a pushover, and when she believed she was right, she would not let it go. I loved that for some reason. I had never looked at stubbornness as a positive trait, but I did with her. She was beautiful, especially when she blushed, and smelled like strawberries. Her eyes were these deep brown pools of kindness and love, and her hair was a beautiful brown color with mahogany running through it. When I met her, she was struggling with her parent's divorce, but I think talking to me about it helped her, and she seemed to be working it out. I learned the hard way that the first reaction she had when she was hurt was to close herself off. It drove me crazy when she cut me off like that, but I let her have her space until she was ready to talk, and we worked it out. We always worked it out. She had this thing about fate, love and magical moments, like we were in some fucking Disney movie or fairy tale. I made her believe in those things, she told me. I usually just rolled my eyes when she said that and never admitted she was right. That would come later, much later. _

_It wasn't all wonderful – sometimes we just annoyed the shit out of each other. I was always tripping over the shoes she left everywhere and thought for sure she was trying to kill me. I was an asshole sometimes and hurt her feelings. She said it was because I let my friends influence me too much, but I thought that was bullshit. I was my own man, I told her. She got jealous and bitched about those nitwit girls who tried to get my attention. She hated when I drank from the carton and left a little sip in it so I didn't have to throw it out. I thought it was hilarious and did it more just to aggravate her. She hated when the food touched on her plate and that crazy phobia drove me nuts. There were times I wanted to crawl under the table when she bitched at the poor server for bringing her food to her on one plate. I blamed her mom for this craziness, thinking she must have just globbed her food all together in one big pile when she was a kid and traumatized her for life. I asked Renee about it once, and she denied it, but you never knew with Renee, she was kind of whacky._

_Sex didn't go the way I thought it would. She just wasn't ready, which was a major, major disappointment to me at first. I was actually depressed over that shit for days. It wasn't a deal breaker for me, though. We did a lot of other things that were sexy and fun and made me feel close to her, and that was good enough for me. Bella worried about it a lot more than I did. She thought she was a disappointment to me, but she wasn't. I won't say it wasn't hard to deal with, because it was. I was usually pretty good about it, but I have to admit I played dirty sometimes and tried to guilt her into it and always felt like crap afterwards. We both knew I could have gotten it from any number of girls at school, but that wasn't what I wanted. I loved Bella, and I was willing to wait. _

_After I graduated, my plan was to attend college in Seattle. I was excited about it, but I had mixed feelings about leaving Bella. I wanted to postpone college until we could go together, but she talked me out of it. We'll be fine, she said. _

_She found a few apartments and condos for me to look at, and I settled on a condo I thought would work. The place was amazing, the price was right, and the area was exactly where I wanted to live. The two guys who lived there were brothers, and their dad bought them the place. Jake and James were rich, really rich. My family had money, but nothing like those guys. They were 'my dad is the CEO of a major multi-national corporation' rich. They were two years older than me, had definitely lived the life of the rich and famous, and I was pretty damn impressed by them. They sure as hell didn't need a roommate to cover expenses, and I never could figure out why they rented out that third bedroom. _

_Jake and James loved to party, and there was something going on at the condo almost every night. Their world was definitely not mine. It's not like we never drank and partied in Forks, because we did, but not like that and not every night. At first, I kept to myself, drinking a few beers with them occasionally, and spent all my free time with Bella. I went home or she drove to Seattle when she wasn't working. I was amazed Charlie gave in on that one, but he really didn't have much of a choice. She didn't like my roommates, and we did our own thing and stuck to the bedroom when she stayed at the condo. As the weeks went by, my roommates started giving me shit about being pussy whipped. At first, they joked about it, but gradually, the joking stopped, and it was apparent how much they disliked Bella. They called her 'The Little Princess' and did everything they could to make her uncomfortable when she was there. I should have put a stop to it right then and there or moved, but I didn't. _

_Before I knew it, I was drinking and partying with them almost every night. It was the first time in my life I had so much freedom, and I slipped right into their lifestyle. I was definitely wrong about that 'being my own man' thing. I didn't have time for Bella, I was hardly studying, and my life was spinning out of control, but I didn't notice – I was way too busy partying. _

_There were always women, lots of different women, hanging out at the condo, and I think my roommates had a different woman in their beds every night. Most of them made it clear they were ready for me whenever I wanted them, but I had no interest. No matter how much I was partying, no matter how much I was fucking up, I was still completely in love with Bella and didn't want anyone else. Of course, Jake and James gave me more shit for this. Man up and quit being so pussy whipped, they told me. According to them, it was just fucking and had nothing to do with my love for Bella. _

_Bella's birthday was coming up, and I planned to drive to Forks to spend it with her. I felt terrible about how crappy things were between us and wanted to make it right. My roommates started talking about the epic party they were going to have and wanted me to stay, but I told them there was no way I would miss Bella's birthday. That pissed them off, and they were on my ass relentlessly trying to convince me to stay in Seattle. I thought I was way past giving into peer pressure, but I guess I wasn't because I called Bella and told her I was having car trouble and couldn't make it home. I tried to ignore the disappointment in her voice and the person I'd become. I was surprised how much easier lying to her was getting and how good of a liar I was. I knew I was a douche bag, but then the party started, and I got way too drunk to think about it. _

_I have no idea how I ended up in bed with that stranger early in the morning on Bella's birthday of all days, but there I was. I had sobered up a bit and knew I should have stopped, but I didn't. The blonde was there, and I was horny. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought Bella would never find out, and we would be okay. It wasn't like that stranger in my bed meant anything to me – I didn't even know her name. It was just sex and had nothing to do with my love for Bella. Those were the excuses I used until Bella walked through the door, and I had no excuse._

_I will never forget turning my head while I was on top of this nameless person, inside of her, and seeing Bella's face. I knew I would never see anyone so hurt, shattered, and betrayed. At that moment, I saw every bit of the trust and faith she had for me disappear, and I literally wanted to die. She didn't say anything. She just stood there, looking at me. When she said my name, the pain in her voice told me everything. I watched all that mattered to me vanish as she quietly went out the same door she came in and walked out of my life._

_I ran after her, but she just drove away. The stranger was leaving when I walked back into the condo. She didn't look at me or say goodbye when she walked past me. I think she felt bad - not for me, but for Bella. I went to the kitchen for some water, and heard my roommates in the living room with a couple of their nameless women. They didn't see me. They must have heard or figured out what happened because the four of them were laughing about how they kept pushing me to nail the blonde and finally got me to take her to bed. It would have been enough for them to see me cheat on Bella, but her walking in on it was an added bonus for them. They laughed about the Little Princess who thought she was better than them finally getting what she deserved, and I wondered what had impressed me about those motherfuckers. I realized then why they hated her. It was so clear to me. Bella knew who they were, what they were. She knew they were shit, and deep down inside they knew it too._

_I thought about killing them or beating the shit out of them at the very least, but instead I went back to my bedroom, packed up my crap, and moved to a hotel. I sat in that hotel room all night, trying to make sense of what happened. I found no answers and knew only one thing - I needed to go to Bella; everything else could wait. _

_I knew exactly what Bella was going to do. I knew she would cut me off, but I never expected her to do it so completely. I went to her house. I left notes on her truck, begging her to see me. I waited at the school for her. I waited where she worked. When she saw me, she refused to talk to me and just drove away. _

_I finally had to tell my family what happened because she cut them off as completely as she did me, and they needed to know why. Alice lost it and slapped me in the face. My mom started crying and walked out of the room. I thought Emmett and Jasper were going to kill me. My dad couldn't look at me at all. Even Rose looked like she wanted to punch me. I didn't blame them for the way they reacted because I knew they loved her, and they lost her too. _

_After a week, Charlie tracked me down, threatening to either arrest me for stalking her or shoot me. I was crazy by that time and needed to get control of myself. I didn't know what else to do so I went back to Seattle. I thought if I gave her space and more time, she would surely let me in. I found a new place to live, wrote her a letter every day, and went back to Forks on the weekends._

_I did this for four months, knowing I didn't deserve her time, but hoping she would give it to me anyway._

_She didn't._

_I think I would have gone on forever, but I had to stop for her. I knew without a doubt she still loved me - I could see it in her face – but she was done, trying to move on and pull herself together. All I was doing was breaking her and hurting every time she saw me. If I needed anything, I needed Bella to be whole again. To do this, she needed me to leave her alone so I simply stopped - the calls, the letters, trying to see her - and gave her what she needed._

_I was so fucking lost by then. I couldn't go back to Forks because of Bella, and things were still strained with my family. I was full of self-loathing and couldn't get past it. I managed to stay in school, which was an enormous miracle because I spent a lot of time drinking myself into oblivion. I just studied and drank for six months until my dad and brother showed up one night and threw my drunk ass into the shower, clothes and all. I remember standing there, shivering, wondering how the fuck I got there. When they thought I'd had enough, they took me out and threw me some dry clothes. Once I was dressed, I sat down on the couch waiting for a bunch of shit from them, but they didn't say a word. _

_I looked at my life and cried for the first time since Bella left me, sitting there on that couch. I cried for what I had done, for all that I lost, and all I would never have, and my dad and brother let me. When I was done, they told me they loved me and left. There wasn't anything they could say to make me feel better. They knew I had to figure things out on my own._

_I sat there for a long time, wondering what I should do next. I wished for one of those moments that some people supposedly have when all the answers come instantly and life makes sense again, but it didn't come. I knew my life wasn't going to magically fix itself. The only magic that would do that was Bella walking back into my life, and that shit wasn't going to happen, not after what I did. I was down to two choices – keep going the way I was going and destroy my life or find some way to live with myself and the mistakes I made. I had no idea how to live with myself so I did the only thing I knew how to do - I put one foot in front of the other and walked back into my life._

_It wasn't easy. I quit drinking and thought life would be better, but it was worse. I was feeling for the first time in almost a year, and the loss of Bella hit me like a ton of bricks. All I wanted to do was drink myself to a place where there was no pain. I was surprised by how it took me over, physically and emotionally. There were days I had to take it minute by minute because missing her was overwhelming. I thought about our time together, her brown eyes, her laugh, and the crazy shit with her food. I thought about her face when she looked at me with such complete trust and so much love. I thought about all that fate, love and magical moments stuff she loved and hoped she still believed in it, that I didn't destroy that part of her. I wondered if she was okay and if she ever thought of me, and I hoped someone loved her the way she deserved to be loved, the way I didn't. _

_I threw myself into school and studying, and I think that was the only thing that kept me sane. I still couldn't go to Forks so my family came to me. I tried to explain what happened, how I got caught up in all that shit with my roommates, but it sounded like I was making excuses. I finally just said I made a mistake, a huge mistake, and it was something I would hate myself for as long as I lived. It was simple, honest and sincere, and they understood and forgave me. I was glad for that even though it wasn't enough to ease my regret. _

_One night, my parents told me she had left town, and I cried. _

_I was kicking ass in school. I went in as a pre-med student, mainly because my dad was a doctor, and I wasn't sure if the medical school route was really what I wanted. As soon as I started thinking about my future, I felt guilty, like I was getting over what I did to Bella, or it somehow didn't matter even though it did. How long should I punish myself, I wondered? Did it mean I didn't care if I allowed myself to build a life and find some happiness? I struggled with that for days until I thought about what Bella would tell me. I knew what kind of a person she was, and I knew exactly what she would say. She would tell me to forgive myself, to get on with my life, that everyone makes mistakes. I couldn't picture her telling me she forgave me, not after what I did, but I knew she would want the best for me no matter what because that's who she was. This is the magic Bella gave me that night, and I figured she would always do that for me whether I was with her or not. Instead of hating myself for losing her, I forgave myself and thanked fate or whatever brought her to me for having that wonderful girl in my life for the time that I did. _

_It set me free - or so I thought._

_I started to live again. Eventually, I dated, but no one ever interested me for long - wrong color eyes, wrong color hair, wrong laugh, and eating out with them was way too normal and boring. I finally had sex out of sheer horniness and felt like shit afterwards. I moved to Chicago to start medical school and a new life. The years went by, and my life was happy and fulfilled, but it somehow felt incomplete. I kind of resolved myself to being alone and blamed medical school and then my residency, but I knew I was making excuses. It was Bella. It was always Bella. There wasn't a day I didn't think of her in some way – seeing someone with the same color hair, hearing a similar laugh, or hearing something I knew she would think was hilarious. There was always something to remind me of her. _

_*******************************.**_

As I was driving back to Chicago, I called my mom to let her know I'd be in Seattle in a few days and to find out how the breast cancer support group went. I knew it meant a lot to her.

"Hey, Mom, what's up?"

I heard her take a deep breath before she answered.

"Edward, I was hoping you would call soon."

"Yeah, I'm just leaving the cabin and wanted to let you know I'll be in Seattle in a few days . I also wanted to find out how your support group went."

She didn't say anything.

"Mom, are you there?"

It sounded like she was crying, but I couldn't imagine why and thought it was just a bad connection.

"The group was wonderful, Edward. All that I thought it would be and much, much more."

She hesitated before she spoke again.

"Edward, a young woman came, only 26 years old. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer a few days before."

She _was_ crying. I didn't understand why she was so upset when she wasn't this upset over her own cancer diagnosis.

"I'm so sorry, Mom. That's too damn young to have to deal with cancer. I hope she's going to be okay."

"Edward, I've been thinking about how I would tell you this. It's...I..I don't know how to say this."

"Mom, it's okay. Calm down, and please stop crying. Just tell me."

"The young woman… Edward… she... who just found out she has cancer... It's Bella, Edward. It's Bella."

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter Six. Then.** _

_**Prince Edward**__**:**__ [__holds sword in front of construction worker's neck, trying to find Giselle__] I seek a beautiful girl. My life partner, my one coquette, the answer to my love's duet. _

_**Arty**__**:**__ [__stuttering__] I'd like to find one of them too, you know?_

_From the movie Enchanted_

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><p>I pulled over and told Mom I would call her back.<p>

I sat there, looking out the window, trying to make sense of it all.

Bella was in Seattle, had breast cancer, and somehow found her way to my mom's first support group.

If that wasn't fate, I didn't what the fuck was.

It was absolutely the very best and the very worst thing I'd heard in eight years, and I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"I'm sorry I hit you with this like that, Edward. I thought about waiting to tell you until you arrived in Seattle, but when I heard your voice, I knew you would want to know," Mom told me when I called her back.

Mom was the only one who knew I still felt so much for Bella. I never told her. She just knew.

She was shocked when she turned around and saw Bella standing there. She described the total joy she felt that this girl, this girl who had been like daughter to her, had walked back into her life. At first, she thought Bella was in the wrong room, but the expression on her face told her she wasn't. She cried as she told me about Bella running into her arms. She said Bella held on to her like she was the only person who would understand, the only one who could save her. Bella came apart in her arms, and she let her cry because she knew that's what she needed to do. It's hard to explain how you feel when you hear the words, "You have breast cancer," she told me. Only someone who has gone through it would understand, she said. She knew it had to be so much harder for Bella, who was so young and probably never thought about cancer, much less the possibility of dying.

"In the end, Edward, I think Bella learned the most important lesson she could learn that night. Finding out you have cancer is not the moment you lay down and start dying, it's the moment you start living, really living, maybe for the first time in your life."

I was overwhelmed by the thought of Bella having cancer, but Mom assured me the prognosis was good, and I felt more hopeful. I knew she was a good candidate for a full recovery, but I also knew cancer was unpredictable, and that scared me. I couldn't imagine a world without Bella whether I was with her or not.

Mom said she was an absolutely beautiful woman and still the same in many ways. She was a teacher, a second grade teacher. I loved that. I was so damn thrilled and proud of her. She said she seemed happy and had built a nice life in Seattle. I asked about a husband or boyfriend and thought I was way too happy when mom said she wasn't married and didn't think she had a boyfriend.

I sat on the side of the road, listening to her talk about Bella for over an hour. I felt more alive than I had in years and found that piece of me that was missing, just talking about her. I started the car, ready to go to her, but quickly turned it off as I faced reality. I couldn't just show up at her door. I couldn't just barge back into her life. I didn't drive to Seattle. Instead, I drove home and closed out my life in Chicago.

On my way to Seattle, I knew I was heading to a moment that would define the rest of my life and wondered what path fate would take me. One path led me to Bella and one path led me to… well, I wasn't really sure where that path would lead. Everything in me believed Bella still cared about me in spite of all my mistakes, but there was a very real possibility she didn't care about me at all, that she would shut the door in my face. I wouldn't have blamed her - I knew I deserved it. I didn't want to face the finality of that, but I had to. I had to know.

I had a plan. It was a simple plan. I was going to get settled in my new life in Seattle and casually give her a call. I was going to take it slow and easy, and hopefully, she wouldn't run the other way.

When I arrived in Seattle, I stopped at the hospital to say hi to my dad. As I was walking through the lobby, trying to decide whether I should go to see my mom or go to my new apartment first, something caught my eye.

Brown. Mahogany. A familiar walk.

Everything about her was familiar.

Bella. It was Bella.

I thought about fate and how much I wanted to hold her again.

I started to run after her, but stopped myself before I did something stupid. I watched her walk away and asked myself, "Okay, Cullen, what the fuck is the plan now?"

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

**_Chapter Seven. Then._**

_Cancer is what you make of it. If you make it a horrible situation, so will everyone around you. - Gilda Radner_

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><p>I told my parents the next day.<p>

I called my mom first. God, she cried. My mom has this wonderful innocence about her, and I felt like I was taking it away from her. She was shattered and scared, and I hated the miles between us, hated that I wasn't with her.

"Why couldn't it be me, Bella? Why you?"

She just about broke my heart when she said that. I knew she would gladly take my place.

"Mom, please, please, don't go there. There is no answer to that question. This is just how life works out sometimes."

"Oh, baby, I have to tell you, I can barely stand this. I love you so much."

"I love you, too. Please stop crying. I'm strong, Mom, I'm so strong, and I know I can do this as long as I have you and dad with me."

I told her about the support group, Esme and all that I discovered, and she was so happy I had reached out for comfort instead of closing myself off. She made reservations to fly in the day before my appointments with the doctors. I was surprised by that because I thought she would be on the first plane to Seattle. Later, I realized she needed time, time to come to terms with my cancer and time to pull herself together and become strong, strong for me.

I drove home to Forks to tell Charlie and thought it would be easier telling him in person, but it was just as hard, maybe harder. I never saw my dad cry, ever. Maybe he cried when he lost my mom, but he never let me see it. That night, though, he cried, and I will never forget the pain on that man's face when he found out I had cancer. After, he told me he loved me and walked out of the room. I thought he was embarrassed and needed some time to himself until I saw him standing calmly in front of me holding a suitcase.

"Ok, Bells, let's go do this."

That's my dad.

The next few days were strangely normal and calm, and I realized life goes on whether you have cancer or not. I woke up. I taught my kids. I came home and cooked for Charlie and spent time with him when he wasn't on the phone with my mom, that is. For two people who could barely be in the same room for years, they sure had a lot to say to each other.

I got used to saying, "I have breast cancer".

I told my friends, and they cried for me and with me. They came then, bearing gifts. Most of them were pink - pink flowers, pink pajamas, pink mugs, pink t-shirts. I almost laughed. I really hated pink, and I didn't own one pink thing. As I sat there in this sea of pink that surrounded me, I knew fate was fucking with me for sure, but decided I better get used to it because this was now the color of my life.

I told my co-workers and spoke to the principal about taking some time off. She wasn't a very touchy-feely kind person and had always been kind of cool and stand-offish, but tears came to her eyes as she told me about her sister, a one-year breast cancer survivor. She told me to take whatever time I needed and hugged me, which surprised the hell out of me.

I was overwhelmed by all the stories I heard from people about friends and relatives who had breast cancer and wondered if it was a fucking epidemic.

Mom arrived, and I felt better the second I saw her. I guess you're never too old to need your mom. In the past, I would have worried about my parents spending so much time together in an enclosed space, but not this trip. They were united by a common cause now – my cancer.

We felt like a family again.

We talked about the Cullens, and my parents said they were anxious to see them again. The only problem was my dad and Edward. He was a typical father when it came to the man who broke his daughter's heart.

"I'll tell you what, Bells. I can't wait to run into that little weasel."

"Oh, come on, Dad. You are ridiculous. That was a long time ago. I'm fine, and you need to get over it."

I found out where I got my stubbornness from because he was not about to give in. He was determined to make life miserable for Edward in any way he could. I was losing the battle and finally had to play the cancer card.

"Dad, you do realize how truly upset I would be if there was a scene, don't you? That's just not good for me, you know, with the cancer and all..."

I gave him a sweet smile and felt terrible doing it, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and you just have to use whatever you have. He finally agreed to at least be civil to him because running into him was probably inevitable.

I thought about seeing Edward again when he said that. I wondered if I recognize him, if he would recognize me. I envisioned us standing there in an uncomfortable silence trying to figure out what to say to each other. Would it be like running into acquaintances I hadn't seen in years, I wondered, when we exchanged phone numbers and promised to get together even though we knew we wouldn't.

It was crazy, but I was actually more nervous about seeing Edward than I was about all the cancer shit.

The next day was doctor day.

Our first appointment was with the surgeon. She was surprisingly young, maybe in her early forties, and I loved her. She recommended the least invasive surgery, a lumpectomy, because my cancer was caught so early. She would remove the tumor in an outpatient surgery that would take about two hours. Before the surgery, I would have a small procedure to mark an area around the tumor – the margins – with blue dye to make sure they took enough tissue to remove all the cancer. She would also remove lymph nodes and send them to the laboratory to have them evaluated for cancer while I was in surgery. If the nodes were negative, that meant the cancer was contained, and the only other treatment I would need would be radiation. If they were positive, the cancer would spread to other parts of my body through my lymphatic system, and I would have to be treated with chemotherapy, in addition to the radiation, and maybe a mastectomy. I thought my mom was going to pass out when she heard that. She also said the anesthesiologist was an acupuncturist and suggested I have acupuncture before surgery. She said patients who had acupuncture required less anesthesia, woke up faster, had less nausea when they woke up and less pain afterwards. I wasn't really familiar with acupuncture, and it sounded too good to be true, but I thought 'what the hell' and agreed. I scheduled my surgery for the next week. All I had to do was go the hospital for pre-op tests and blood work before then and show up for surgery.

The radiation oncologist was next. I liked him immediately. I was glad because I was going to be seeing this guy a lot - once a day, five days a week, for seven weeks. He explained that radiation cuts the chance of reoccurrence by about 70%. Basically, the radiation would damage the cancer cells to stop them from multiplying. I was worried about damage to healthy cells, and he said there would be some, but not a lot. The radiation beam is precisely targeted to cut down on damage to the surrounding areas, and healthy cells have an amazing ability to heal themselves even if they are damaged during the treatment. He also told me that there weren't too many side effects from the radiation, mostly mild fatigue and maybe some skin irritation.

The last appointment was the scariest for me – the oncologist. The Chemo Man. Surprisingly, that was the shortest appointment. He really couldn't talk about treatment until he found out what we were dealing with after the pathology report was completed, and told me to call him after surgery. He was cold, distant and seemed bored, and I disliked him immediately. I thought about finding another oncologist, but supposedly, he was the best, so I decided to stick with him and hoped I wouldn't be seeing him in the future.

I was in a daze by the time I got home. The doctors made it all sound so routine - you do this, you do that and, poof, you're cured. I wondered if it would really be that easy.

It was all too much for my mom, and she broke down. I tried to calm her down, but it was my dad who got through to her. He was so gentle with her, holding her, wiping her tears, and whispering to her everything would be okay. Watching them was bittersweet for me. I saw glimpses of what they must have been at one time before love was replaced by anger and resentment, and I wondered what the hell happened to them.

Esme asked me if it was okay to give my number to the rest of the family. I didn't know if that included Edward when I said it was fine with me, and I didn't ask. Alice called me almost immediately, and we both cried when we heard each other's voice. There was no awkwardness, no horrible silences or apologies. It was just two people who were best friends once picking up right where they left off. She promised she would come to Seattle as soon as she could and threw in she had a feeling something big was going to happen. That's Alice; she always did think she had ESP.

My parents and I met Emmett and Rose for dinner two days later. Emmett was still the same big, warm oaf he always was and gave me a huge hug. He whispered how much he had missed me and made me laugh when he told me what a fuckhead his brother had been. I got smashed on margaritas and ended up entertaining the group, or so I heard the next day - I didn't remember much. It felt good to just let go and not think about anything but drinking more liquor.

On my last day of work, I put off leaving as long as I could. I walked around my classroom, touching desks, thinking of my kids, and looking at all their artwork and schoolwork. A part of me wondered if I'd ever be back. The doctors all assured me I would be okay based on my early diagnosis, but you never know with cancer. It was harder, much harder, than I thought it would be to walk out of that school. I felt like I was walking away from everything that was normal in my life.

The day I went to the hospital for my pre-op visit was one of those rare, gorgeous Seattle sunny days. That's a good sign, I thought; only good things can happen on a beautiful day like this.

I was walking out of the hospital, thinking about what I would do with the rest of my day, when I thought I heard someone call my name, but decided I was mistaken and kept walking.

I heard my name again, closer, and recognized the voice.

Edward.

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

**_Chapter Eight. Then._**

_**Radio Therapist**__**:**__ [__over the radio__] I think you need to take her aside and find out how she really feels about you._

_From the movie Enchanted_

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><p>As I stood there and watched Bella, I thought about the last time she walked away, right out of my life.<p>

I knew I couldn't let that happen, not again.

I was shaking and barely breathing as I caught up to her. I was close enough to touch her when I said her name again, softly, and she stopped.

Everything changed the moment she turned around and looked at me. My life changed as we stood there, looking at each other. It was such a quiet moment. There was no one else in that hospital lobby except us. She was crying when she took a step toward me and touched my face. I cried when she whispered my name, and all I heard was happiness. I put my arms around her and pulled her close to me. We didn't kiss. There were no words or whispers of love or regret. It seemed to be enough for both of us, just being next to each other again. I don't know how long we stood there. It could have been just seconds or minutes, but it was long enough to know I was where I belonged for the first time in eight years. It was long enough to know where fate was leading me.

She kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand, pulling me toward the glorious Seattle day.

"So, Dr. Cullen, what are you doing for the rest of the day?"

"Well, I don't really know, Ms. Swan. Depends on what you have in mind."

"Let's go play, Edward. Let's go play and just be. Please. Can we just be?"

We spent the day exactly as she wanted to. We talked, laughed and caught up on where we had been and what we had done. She told me about Phoenix and school, and I told her about Chicago. She told me about her kids and took me by the school. I told her about my patients. I laughed when she gave our server explicit instructions on how her lunch should be served, remembering how nuts her crazy food phobia made me. It no longer annoyed me. It didn't matter. I was just happy, so fucking happy, being anywhere with her.

We talked about the cancer, about how she felt when she found out and how hard it was for her to accept. When she talked about running into my mom's arms, she cried as she described the relief and comfort she felt, and I was so damn happy they found each other. "I can do this," she told me, and she reminded me so much of my mom – that same dignity, the same strength.

I stared at her all day; I couldn't help it. l felt her pulling me in, and it was as strong as the day I met her. Like my mom, I saw the girl I knew so well, but she wasn't a girl anymore. She was a woman, a beautiful woman, sure of herself and happy. It all came rushing back - what we had, what I did, what we lost. I thought I had put it behind me, but seeing her brought it all back even though she didn't seem to have any resentment towards me at all. She was open and honest with me, and there were no uncomfortable moments between us until I created one, of course.

"Hey, Bella, can I say something that I've wanted to say to you for eight years? "

She didn't say anything.

"Can I give you the apology I couldn't give you eight years ago? And explain some things?"

She sighed and looked at me.

"Okay. Say it. Say you're sorry. And I don't want any explanations."

"I don't even know where to start. I'm so very sorry for hurting you, betraying you, and turning what we had to shit. I have so much...".

She cut me off.

"Okay, you said you're sorry. Do you feel better now?"

"Not yet, but I ..."

She cut me off again.

"This is not the way we're going to do this, Edward. I let you apologize to make yourself feel better. It's not something I needed or expected, but I understand why you wanted to do it. I hope it filled a need in you because I won't let you do it again. This is going to end right here, right now. Don't you think I know how sorry you are, how sorry you were? I saw it in your face every time you tried to talk to me, every time I walked away. I knew you would punish yourself far more than I ever could. You were a young guy who made a mistake, and we both know what that was and all that followed. You can never take it back, never change it, but life goes on, Edward. I have no idea what the future will bring. All I know is when I turned around and saw you today, I was never so happy to see another person in my entire life. I want to know you again, talk to you, laugh with you, without guilt or regret. I've made my peace with this, and I need you to do the same. I sure as hell don't want you thinking about it every time you look at me, every time you're with me."

It wasn't what I expected her to say – I expected anger, pain and recriminations - but I should have known she would surprise me. She always did.

"I think there's something you need more than apologizing to find that peace, Edward."

I had no idea what the hell she was talking about.

She smiled then, just a small smile that made me think maybe she needed it too. She took my hand and whispered the words she knew I needed to hear, the words I always needed to hear.

"_I forgive you."_

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><p><em><em>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo


	9. Chapter 9

**_Chapter Nine. Then._**

_What we put into every moment is all we have… - Gilda Radner_

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><p>I panicked when I heard his voice and told myself to keep walking. I was scared. I was so scared that the person I had kept in my heart all those years wouldn't be there, that I would turn around and see a stranger. I didn't want to face that. I wasn't sure I could face that.<p>

I stayed. I knew I would. I wasn't going to run away from another moment in my life, even one that might hurt me. I couldn't walk away, not again.

When I turned around and looked into those green eyes, those damn green eyes, I knew. I knew who was standing in front of me. I knew him. At that moment, I felt my heart open up to something I never thought I could feel again, one thing that only Edward could bring me - joy, absolute and complete joy. I found myself whispering, "Thank you." I didn't know who I whispered to or who I was thanking, but those two words never had more meaning.

I looked at him, touching his face to convince myself it was real, that he was real. I saw the same fear, the same questions I had mirrored in his eyes and whispered his name, hoping he would hear what was in my heart. When he put his arms around me, I felt like I was home. Words were not necessary. I didn't think about what it all meant. I didn't want the past or the future; I just wanted that moment. Just being next to him was enough. Without even thinking about it, I kissed him on the cheek, took him by the hand and led him into the sunshine. I wanted to be with him, somewhere, anywhere, and know him again.

I saw the boy I knew and began to know the man he'd become on that day. And what a man he was. Edward would always be the most beautiful person I would ever know, but it wasn't his looks that made him who he was. It was the way he had about him - his confidence, his dedication, his kindness. It was the way he looked at me and listened to me - the intensity of it, like he just found the universe's greatest treasure.

When I looked at Edward, I didn't see any glimpse or reminder of pain or heartbreak; I just saw the best of him. I didn't look ahead, and I didn't look back. I was completely present in the day, in the moment. There were no sad memories, regrets or even cancer. There was just Edward and sunshine and laughter. I was grateful. I knew I would not have allowed myself to do that a year before, even a month before. The cancer was already changing me, changing my life. It made that day possible. It made many things possible.

We talked about everything - school, our jobs, our lives, cancer. We took advantage of the beautiful day and went to all our favorite places in Seattle. He laughed when I ordered lunch in that quirky way of mine. He said he actually missed it, that going out to eat with someone normal wasn't quite so interesting. My mind immediately went to who he took out, and I was surprised by the twinge of jealousy I felt.

Alice called while we were at lunch to let me know she was in town and wanted to get together as soon as possible. I told her I was with Edward and laughed because she was left completely speechless for probably the first time in her life. Once she composed herself, she went into high speed planning mode and decided we all needed a celebration dinner. She said she would take care of everything, including getting my parents there, and would text me the where and when.

When I called my parents to let them know what was going on, I really, really wanted my mom to answer because of the whole Charlie/Edward thing. As usual, though, fate likes to fuck with me, and Dad answered.

"Hey, Bells. Your mom and I were just wondering where you were. That pre-op thing took this long? How did it go?"

"The pre-op went fine and no, it didn't take this long. I ran into someone, an old friend, and we've been catching up. We're eating lunch now."

Yes, I was kind of a chicken shit about mentioning the someone I was with was Edward.

"That's great, Bells. Who is it? Someone from college? Or Forks?"

I took a deep breath and thought, "Here we go."

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it is someone from Forks."

"Really? Who?"

"Uh, well, yeah, it's Edward, Dad. I ran into Edward at the hospital."

"Cullen? Edward Cullen?"

"That would be correct, Dad."

Silence.

More silence.

"Dad?"

"Yeah, I'm here, Bells. Well, that's just… it's so... _super_."

The sarcasm was dripping out my phone.

And then he was off.

"I hope he's treating you right. Did he make you cry? Tell me the truth. You know I'll take care of that little jerk, right? If that kid said one thing to..."

I cut him off.

"Dad, stop. We've had a perfectly wonderful day, and I was thrilled to see him. So knock it off. Please."

It was time to play the cancer card again.

"Damn it, Dad, we went through this the other night, remember? It will upset me if there's any tension between you two, and it's really not a good time for me to be upset. "

He actually groaned at the thought of having to be polite to Edward.

"Okay, okay. I won't do anything, unless he gives me a reason, of course."

He laughed at the thought.

"Not funny, Charlie. I'm counting on you to behave yourself because Alice is putting together a reunion dinner tonight. She's going to be calling you, and I wanted to let you know."

"Dinner. With Edward. S_uper_."

"I'm hanging up now, Dad. Tell Mom what's going on. I love you. See you later. And remember what I said, okay?"

Edward looked at me for a minute and ran his hand through his hair a couple of times. I loved that he still did that.

"Wow, I'm really looking forward to this fucking dinner."

I started laughing. I couldn't help it. He looked like a scared teenager.

"Well, you did say going out to eat hasn't been so interesting, didn't you? At least this dinner won't be boring."

He rolled his eyes and started laughing. It was a good moment.

I saw the pain in Edward's eyes every time he looked at me and knew he was thinking about what happened to us, what he did. I left it alone until he brought it up later and told me he wanted to apologize, to explain things. I let him apologize because I thought that was what he needed. Maybe I should have let him finish, but I couldn't. I saw the weight of regret he carried all those years and knew we could never go forward – whatever forward meant – until we closed the door on that time. I realized he needed something more than time to apologize to do that. He needed something he would never ask for, something that could only come from me.

That something was forgiveness. It was not hard to give. I had forgiven him and let go of the pain and anger before that day. I wasn't excusing him – he knew that – and it was my choice to go beyond that one moment, that one mistake. He was worth it. It was that simple.

Those two words were so significant to him, to us, and we held onto each other and cried. We cried for many reasons – the pain, the regret, the days we lost. I think we also cried because they were finally over, those eight years of wondering _"What if?_" When he smiled, kind of a peaceful smile, and said thank you, I heard another door opening. We didn't talk about the future or that open door, though. It was obvious we were happy to be together again, but it was also obvious we were both too overwhelmed to be able to think straight. I knew I still felt the same pull when I was with Edward, but the reality was I still had cancer and was facing an unknown future at the end of that magical day. It was just about all I could handle, and I didn't have anything to give but friendship at that point. I think Edward knew that, and thankfully, he didn't ask for more.

Walking into the restaurant and seeing our families waiting for us was like déjà vu. It felt familiar, comfortable and right.

I looked around the table and smiled. Edward was deep in conversation with my mom. Jasper and Carlisle were talking about Jasper's job. My dad and Emmett were talking sports. Esme had her arm around Alice while she talked to Rose. Everyone together - it truly was a sight to behold. I thought about how crazy life could be and how many events and circumstances had to fall into place for that evening, that day, to happen. Edward looked at me and smiled, and I knew the same thoughts had been running through his mind. I threw him a kiss and laughed. I decided the evening called for something special, something memorable, and I ordered champagne for everyone.

I raised my glass.

"I've never made a toast, and I'm not sure what to say except what is in my heart. You are the people I have loved the most in my life. Being here with you, all of you, fills me with endless joy and amazement and makes me feel like I'm the luckiest person in the world. So, here's to my family, the Swans and the Cullens, together again, right where we should be."

I looked around, and everyone had tears in their eyes, even Charlie. I hesitated for a moment. Crying and almost unable to talk, I added one more thing as I looked at Edward.

"And to fate, love and magical moments… because I think I can believe in those things again."

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

**_Chapter Ten. Then._**

_I'm so full I can't hear. - Gilda_

* * *

><p>You would think I would wake up the day before my surgery full of worry and anxiety. Nope. Not me. Not at all.<p>

I only had only one thought going through my head.

_Edward..._

While I showered and dressed, I had only one thought going through my head.

_Edward..._

While I ate breakfast with my parents, I had only one thought going through my head.

_Edward..._

When we talked, we talked about Edward. I told them about our day together and how happy I was to see him again. I told them I thought we would just be friends, and my parents looked at each other and smiled. I asked Charlie about the conversation he had with Edward at dinner, but all he would say is that they had come to an understanding. He told me I didn't have to worry about any interference from him, and I needed to get on with my business, whatever the hell that meant.

My mind was full of him, only him.

_Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward... shit!_

So much for my 'let's be friends' bullshit.

I had to stop, I told myself. It was too soon. It was too psycho. It was too much, way too much.

Just then, my phone rang.

Speak of the devil.

Edward.

"Hey, you," he said in that sexy voice of his.

"Dr. Cullen," was my witty reply.

"Is this too soon to call? Maybe I should have waited. I was just so damn excited that Ifinally could call you, but while the phone was ringing, I almost hung up because I was thinking it was too much. I don't want to intrude in your life and..."

God, he was adorable. I could have listened to him go on and on all day, but I took pity on him.

"Edward... Edward... stop. I love that you called me. You're definitely not intruding."

"You're sure?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm very sure, Edward."

If only he knew how sure I really was.

"Okay, good. So, how are you, Ms. Swan?"

I wanted to say I was great because I spent the morning obsessing about him, but I went with something safer.

"I'm good. Just had breakfast with Charlie and Renee, and later we're going to Angela's for an early dinner."

"You're feeling okay about... you know, the surgery and all?"

"Edward, I'm surprisingly calm, much calmer than I thought I would be. I haven't really thought about it."

Of course, I didn't tell him that the reason for that was I had been thinking about him all morning.

"Good. Your parents doing ok?"

"They're fine, more than fine. It's kind of weird. They are getting along unbelievably well. It has to be some strange side effect of their daughter having cancer."

He laughed. He knew how horrible they were to each other.

"So, what are you up to today, Dr. Cullen?"

"Orientation at the hospital and then waiting for my furniture at the new apartment. Thrilling day, right? Damn. The orientation is starting early. I have to run. Hey... umm... I just wanted to tell you... now... I think I can believe in those things too. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

After we hung up, I thought about my toast and his expression when I said I thought I could believe in fate, love and magical moments again. It was so peaceful, like everything was right with the world. He stared at me and whispered words I knew I wasn't meant to hear.

_"It's always been you, Bella. It's always been you."_

Talking to him didn't help my determination at all to stop obsessing about him, but going to Angela's did, for a while anyway.

Angela insisted on having us over to dinner. I argued with her and said we should all go out to eat instead of her making a big dinner, but there was no arguing with that woman once she made up her mind.

"We are done discussing this. Just get your ass here at five, Swan."

Angela ran out when we pulled up and hugged and kissed the three of us. She was especially attentive to my parents. She knew she would be a reminder of breast cancer, of what was real, to my parents, and she wanted to ease their minds and make them feel comfortable around her. I loved her for that. She was also right. I saw them looking at her and imagining me.

Renee asked her how she was feeling.

"Well, Renee, it's a good day, and I always take advantage of the good days. It's that 'don't waste a moment' shit we cancer people live by."

Yeah, Ang was pretty blunt. She didn't run away from the fact that she had cancer. It was there, she fought it, but she didn't let it define her life. My parents actually gawked at her. I was sure they'd never been around anyone who was so open and honest about their illness. In Forks, those things were usually talked about in hushed, solemn tones.

Angela just laughed and led us into the house, talking away. She was a charmer, that woman. Her joy was contagious. I watched Charlie and Renee fall completely under her spell, especially Charlie. She really did look like she was having a good day. Her eyes were brighter, she had more color, and there was a little bounce in her step. She was wearing the 'fuck you, cancer' scarf that always made me smile.

Angela's home was just like her - peaceful, colorful, and full of joy. You could feel the love and warmth as soon as you walked through the door.

The first thing I saw was a photo of her. It was from a different time, a different life, before cancer. I almost cried, looking at it. God, she was beautiful, stunningly beautiful. She had a gorgeous mane of thick black hair, her cheeks were rosy, and her eyes were bright. I thought about how hard it must have been for her to lose all that and how sad it was just as Angela turned around. She had this dazzling smile that told me how happy she was to be with me, how happy she was to have that day, and I realized she was just as beautiful standing there as she was in that picture, maybe more. She was bald and beaten down, but her spirit, her courage and her grace made her more beautiful than a full head of hair ever could.

Ben and the kids were waiting in the family room. Ben was quite the hunk. Holy shit, he was good looking and perfect for Angela. Where she was outgoing and talkative, he was more reserved and quiet, which I always thought was a great balance for a couple. He adored his wife. You could see it in the way he looked at her, the way his hand brushed against her whenever she was near, and I couldn't think of anything better in life than to be loved like that. Lauren was three and the spitting image of her dad. She was shy and hid behind him the first hour we were there. Mike was five and became our best friend in about five minutes. He definitely took after Angela in every way.

Angela must have been feeling remarkably well because she made a huge meal. We talked and laughed and ate like pigs. I absolutely loved her for doing that for me. It was exactly the kind of evening I needed to quiet my obsessive mind.

After dinner, Angela and I sat in the living room talking while everyone else watched a movie. I could feel my mind start to wander right back to Edward.

"Hey, kiddo, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just have some things on my mind tonight."

"The surgery?"

I laughed.

"You know, I wish it was the surgery. It would be easier to handle, I think."

"Ok, let's hear it. Come on, talk to Big Sister here."

I told her about Edward - our past, our present, and all that was in between. I told her how I'd never found what I had with Edward, even though I spent years hoping I would. I told her about the joy I felt when I saw him and our day together. I told her about the feelings that had already surfaced for Edward after one day, that it was too soon, too much. We talked for a while, and Angela gave me her perspective in her straightforward, honest way.

Nothing was resolved that night, but I realized nothing had to be resolved. Sometimes you don't have to do anything, decide anything. There is a certain beauty and simplicity in doing nothing, in letting life unfold naturally.

When we joined the others, Ben had just popped in a new DVD for Lauren.

_Enchanted_.

I instantly fell in love with it, that silly Disney movie full of storybook characters and fate, love and magical moments. I knew it was made just for me.

The rest of the evening was peaceful. Friends and coworkers called and texted to wish me luck. Edward called to let me know he was thinking about me, and we ended up talking for two hours.

The last thing I thought about before I went to sleep was Angela's words to me.

"I always thought I had all the time in the world, Bella. I didn't know that sometimes, when you least expect it, your chances are taken away. I think back to all the chances I didn't take, all the things I should have done. I look back at those times - the times I should have played with my kids instead of cleaning the bathroom, the times I was annoyed with my husband and refused to kiss him for three days because he spent too much money at the golf course - and wish I had those moments back. If I've learned anything from this cancer shit, it's this. If you have a chance to love and be loved, take it, cherish it, and hold onto it as long as you can. Don't walk away from love. In the end, it's all we have, it's all that matters. Don't overthink it. Let it happen. Take the time you need, Bella, but please, when the time is right, go with your heart, kiddo, go with your heart."

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

**_Chapter Eleven. Then._**

_I can see roses in front of my hedge with doctors pinned on their petal ledges and nurses too and you and love and 'alive' scribbled not far above. - Gilda Radner (from Gilda's Poem)_

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><p>I slept exactly one hour and fourteen minutes.<p>

I tried to go back to sleep for exactly 46 minutes before I finally gave in to the fact that I wasn't going to get any more sleep before my surgery.

I was nervous and scared, and I allowed myself to give in to those feelings. It's nice to be optimistic and happy and not think about tomorrow, but it's not realistic. Life isn't all puppies and rainbows and unicorns. It's also cancer and surgery and fearing tomorrow and the future. I couldn't help thinking that night might be the last normal night I would spend for a while if things didn't go as planned. I kept myself busy with my IPOD, the internet and chatting with a couple of night owl friends. I took a shower, gave myself a facial and polished my nails. Why not look good for what was going to be a defining moment in my life, I thought. I didn't cry or fall apart. I kept myself together by taking it hour by hour, minute by minute. I was expected to have a good outcome, and I knew I was being horribly dramatic, but I couldn't stop myself. I walked around my room, touching my treasured mementos and photos from the past and thinking about all the wonderful moments in my life. I took one last look at myself in the mirror just to remember who I was in case I returned a different person before I took a deep breath as I opened the door to face my future - and popped a Valium. My surgeon was more than happy to give me Valium to take the edge off if it was necessary, and I definitely needed it. I was being ridiculous. I couldn't go out and face my parents acting like I was going to my execution. If those moments were indeed my last moments of normalcy, that was not the way I wanted to spend them. Enjoying a nice, relaxing buzz was so much better.

When we walked into the waiting room, there they were - the Cullens, Angela, and my cancer ladies. They said they came to wish me well, to remind me I was loved, and to keep my parents company while I was in surgery. It was so unexpected, and I was so touched. I hugged and kissed them all and was high enough from that lovely Valium to kiss Edward's lips instead of his cheek. It was just about the nicest thing I'd felt in eight years.

A nurse came to get me about ten minutes later. When I went through the door and took the first steps into my new reality of surgery and cancer treatment, it was like entering another world compared to the quiet and peace of the waiting room. It was bright, crowded, busy and intense.

She took me to a small private room, had me change into a hospital gown, and did all her nurse things like putting in the IV and checking my blood pressure. I laid back, listening to my IPOD, and just took everything in. I thought about how much I loved the warm blankets they covered me with. I thought about kissing Edward. I thought about how much I hated needles. I was enjoying my Valium high and was very calm until the nurse came over with a marker and asked me what side the tumor was on. I was appalled. "You don't know what side you're operating on," I asked as I put together my plan to escape from the hospital. She laughed and told me they knew as she put an 'x' on my left breast. They just wanted to make sure I knew and that everyone was on the same page, she said. In other words, they wanted to make sure they didn't operate on the wrong breast. I found it hard to believe they would, but I guess it happens.

An aide came in with a wheelchair to transport me to the Breast Center to mark the tumor. They went in through the biopsy incision and didn't give me any shots to numb me. According to the doctor, I wouldn't feel anything. Of course, he was wrong. I guess I didn't think about how they would put the dye in me, but even if I did, I wouldn't have thought of a needle. Maybe a paint brush or something, but not a needle. He had to put the dye in a circle around the tumor, and that meant a lot of shots. It was unbelievably painful, and it taught me a good lesson - make sure you are drugged into oblivion before you let them do anything to you, especially when a doctor says, "This shouldn't hurt."!

My family and friends were allowed to come in to see me a few at a time for a couple of minutes. The surgeon came in while Edward was with me and mouthed "Wow!" to me behind his back and made me laugh. I just loved that woman. It was hard to say goodbye to him when he had to leave. I grabbed his hand, tears clouding my eyes, and turned my face away as he sat on the side of my bed.

"Hey. Bella. Look at me," he said softly.

He turned my face toward him and wiped my tears.

"It's going to be alright. You know that, don't you?"

I put my arm around his neck and whispered in his ear so no one else would hear me.

"I'm scared. I've never been so scared."

He pulled me into his arms.

"Shhh... it's almost over. We're all here for you. I'm here for you. We'll deal with whatever comes. You're not alone, Bella. You don't have to do this alone."

I broke down. Everyone walked out of the room and left me with Edward as he held me while I cried.

After a few minutes, I calmed down and gave him a small smile.

"Whew. I think I've been holding that in all day."

"Do you feel better now?"

"Yes, I do. Thank you for being here for me, Edward. Just having you to hold on to makes me feel better."

I laughed and added, "Honestly, I really don't know how I've gotten through all these years without you."

He hugged me and kissed me on the top of my head. He whispered, very softly, and I knew I wasn't meant to hear it, but I did.

_"It's always been you, Bella. It's always been you."_

"I have to go, but I'll be here when you get out of surgery. I'll be waiting for you, Bella. Always."

He kissed me then - a tender kiss on the lips. I told myself it was the drugs when I pulled him to me and gave him one more.

The anesthesiologist came in to introduce herself and give me the acupuncture treatment. She put a few very, very thin needles in my left wrist and arm and some sort of seed in the folds of my ears. Watching Charlie's face while she did that was priceless and almost worth having the damn surgery.

I was surprised as the nurse wheeled me to surgery, and I realized I wasn't scared anymore. I was just ready, so ready, to get it all over with.

The operating room wasn't anything like the operating rooms on TV. There was no soft lighting, music, or handsome doctors and beautiful nurses dancing to Elvis or Aerosmith. It was bright and cold and full of equipment. I was transferred to another table and hooked up to monitoring equipment. Everyone was there, looking down at me, ready to get on with it, as the anesthesiologist put the mask on me and told me to count backwards from ten.

Ten... nine...

My eyes flew open.

I was disoriented and thought I was still in the operating room until I looked around and realized I was in the recovery room.

It was over.

There were about eight beds in the room. Some patients were sleeping, some were trying to wake up, and a couple were throwing up. Not me, though. They weren't kidding about the effects of that acupuncture treatment. I was wide awake and didn't feel sick or dizzy. I was ready to jump out of bed, and go home. I put my hand on my breast to make sure it was still there and felt a small bandage. I was relieved – it felt like the same old breast to me. I looked around for a nurse. I wanted - no, I needed - a Pepsi and something to eat. She brought me a couple of slices of toast and the coldest can of Pepsi I'd ever had that turned out to be the most wonderful thing I've ever tasted. I would never forget the deliciousness of drinking that Pepsi down.

A few minutes later, my surgeon came in. She gave me a huge hug, and I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"Bella, the surgery went well, and we were able to remove the entire malignancy. Your lymph nodes were clear, and the cancer didn't spread."

I couldn't speak. Before my surgery, I thought about what I would do if that was my outcome. Maybe scream, yell, and cheer in joy and jubilation? The actual moment was so much different than I expected. It was overwhelming. The cancer didn't spread. With those four words, I had a future again, just like that, and it took me a few minutes to absorb the reality of it.

The nurse disconnected the IV line so I could use the restroom and change. When I turned around to flush the toilet, I looked, and then looked again. I stood there and stared into the toilet. The water in the toilet was bright blue. Not pale blue, not just a little blue, but almost neon blue. I opened the door a crack and called the nurse over.

"Hi there. Umm, I'm peeing blue. Bright neon blue."

"Honey, didn't they tell you? That's from the dye they used to mark the tumor. It will go away in a week or two."

"Alright, that's ok," I thought. "I can handle this. No big deal."

When I took off the hospital gown and looked at my breast, I almost laughed. I cursed fate for fucking with me again.

My nipple and part of my breast was blue. Bright blue.

I opened the door and called her over again.

"Let me guess... you have a blue breast. It's the dye, Bella. It's very normal."

Why she didn't tell me about that blue breast thing after I peed blue was beyond me. Why the surgeon didn't tell me also was beyond me.

I felt better, though, knowing it was the dye until I remembered dye was permanent. The nurse saw my face and smiled.

"I know what you're thinking. Don't worry... it's not permanent. It should be gone in a month or so."

An hour later, my cancer-free blue breast and I left the hospital and went home to flowers and balloons and the rest of my life.

My recovery went well. I was uncomfortable and tired for a week or so, but it wasn't terrible.

I came to terms with my cancer in that week. I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry, and I didn't feel sorry for myself. Anyone could get cancer. I wasn't unlucky, getting cancer so young - I was one of the fortunate ones. They found my cancer early, and it was almost 100% treatable. I knew it could have been worse, so much worse. I thought about people like Angela and kids, little kids, who were fighting for their lives at that very moment, going through far worse than what I did, and realized how incredibly blessed I was.

The doctor called me with my pathology results. It was good news. I had Stage 1 -2 invasive ductal breast cancer and wouldn't have to think about a mastectomy. She also told me was going to send the tumor out for a genetic test that predicted the probability of reoccurrence.

The best part of life after cancer was watching my parents. They looked ten years younger and acted like teenagers. They were happier, lighter, and downright goofy. One morning, I even caught my dad grabbing my mom's ass in the kitchen which was kind of gross and sweet all at the same time. Charlie talked more - well, for Charlie, anyway - and Renee talked less and actually listened to him. They laughed and giggled and seemed to appreciate the very things in each other that brought them to divorce. I thought it was because the huge weight of cancer was lifted from them, but I realized later I was maybe half right, if that. I talked them into going home and getting back to their lives until I had radiation treatment. When it was time for them to leave, they told me Renee was going back to Forks with Charlie. They had things to discuss, they said.

I cried, just as I cried months later when I watched them remarry on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	12. Chapter 12

**_Chapter Twelve. Then._**

**_Prince Edward_**_**:** [__threatening Robert with his sword__] Have you any last words before I dispatch you?_

**_Robert_**_**:** You have got to be kidding me! _

**_Prince Edward_**_**:** Strange words!_

_From the movie Enchanted_

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><p>You would think moving, unpacking, starting a new residency, and having to prove myself all over again at another hospital would make me one crabby asshole. Nope. Not me. Not at all.<p>

I was happy, happier than I'd been in eight years, and there was only one reason.

Bella.

The truth was I had never stopped loving her. I was still unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her. I knew it when I first saw her again and lost myself in those beautiful brown eyes. I knew it when she touched my face. I knew it when I spent the day with her. I knew it when she told me she forgave me. I knew it when Charlie cornered me in the restaurant.

I could see him sneaking over to me out of the corner of my eye. I frantically looked at Bella for some help, but she was talking to my mom. When she finally looked over, it was too late. There he was, right next to me, giving me one of those freaky cop stares.

"You back to hurt my girl, Cullen?"

I didn't want to have that conversation - not there, not then - but it was time. I turned around to look him right in the eyes. I was a man, not a terrified teenager, but damn, he was an intimidating fucker even though I knew another side of him - the loving, generous, patient side of him when he looked at his daughter. I hoped he could find some of that generosity and patience during that conversation.

"No, Charlie, I'm not here to hurt Bella again. I'm sorry. I apologize. I screwed up. Believe me, I've had regret running through me for eight years. I promise you I'll never hurt her again. I'd walk away from her now if I thought I was going to bring her one second of pain."

I took a deep breath. It was time to admit what I knew to be the truth.

"I still love her, Charlie. I never got over her. I thought I did, but after seeing her, I can tell you I am absolutely still in love with your daughter."

"So what's that mean? The girl has cancer surgery in two days. Do you think she's in a place to be swept off her feet by your charming ass? She's trying to be brave and strong, especially for me and her mom, but I know her. She is barely holding it together and has enough to handle."

"What makes you think I don't know that? I'm a doctor, for God's sake. I'm not here to turn her life upside down. My plan is to be her friend right now and wait to see if there's any remote possibility of her giving my dumb ass another chance. I'm going to try to win her back. Whether that takes one year or ten...I'll wait. I'm not going anywhere. If that doesn't work, if she just wants to remain friends, then that's what I'll be happy with. I want to be in her life any way she'll have me. I know this probably sounds crazy as hell, showing up and announcing I'm in love with your daughter after so many years, especially after what I did. If it is crazy, then fine, I'm crazy. She walked away with my heart years ago, Charlie, and she still has it - all of it. I will never hurt your daughter again. All I want to do is love her. Please believe me."

He looked at me for what seemed like an hour. He rubbed the back of his neck a few times.

"You know, Edward, it's funny. I'm learning a few things about love and regret and second chances these days, and I actually understand what you're saying. Talk about crazy, right?"

He shook his head and let out a little laugh.

"Okay, here's the deal. I'm not an expert on affairs of the heart, but after seeing my daughter's face when she looks at you, I think it's safe to say she still loves you too. I would love to see my daughter stay as happy as she is tonight, the happiest I've seen her in eight years, so do what you need to do to win her back. I hope it works out; I truly do. But, remember - I'm watching you, kid. Don't screw it up again."

He patted me on the back and smiled.

"Good luck to you, son."

As he walked away, I mouthed to Bella that everything was ok. Damn, it was more than okay. I was stunned. Charlie had just given me his blessing to win his daughter back. At that moment, I wanted to run to her, sweep her up into my arms, and declare my undying love for her, but I didn't. I wanted to tell her how much I needed her after her toast, but I didn't. The closest I came was to whisper, "It's always been you, Bella. It's always been you." I wanted to tell her how much I loved her as she cried in my arms before her surgery, but I didn't.

Walking out of that room, leaving her alone to face whatever was to come, was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. All I wanted to do was hold on to her and never let her go. When I walked into the waiting room, Charlie saw my face and suggested we go for a walk. We didn't talk; we just walked until I calmed down. I can't even imagine what he was going through as a father and yet, he was there for me. I knew I would be forever grateful to that man for what he did and always love him for it.

We waited.

My parents were sitting with Charlie and Renee, trying to keep them calm and occupied. Everyone else was gone - taking a walk, getting coffee - everyone except Angela. I was sitting alone on the other side of the room when she sat next to me and took my hand. She looked at me, and I knew right away she got me and this love I had for Bella. I don't know how she got me, but she did. She talked because she knew I couldn't. She told me about her family and the career she walked away from in a high pressure law firm. She told me about the night she met Bella. I saw what Bella loved about her, and she became a dear friend to me that day, one I would treasure throughout my life. There she was worrying about me, worrying about Bella, when she had her own worries. She was just about the kindest person I'd ever met - a truly remarkable woman.

When Angela saw the surgeon walk in, she squeezed my hand tighter. We both watched Charlie and Renee as they spoke to the doctor, waiting to see what their reaction would be. All of a sudden, they grabbed each other in a hug and thanked the doctor. Charlie even grabbed the doctor and gave her a huge hug, which was really such an un-Charlie thing for him to do.

Renee turned to face us. She was crying and could barely talk, but she was full of joy.

"The cancer didn't spread."

It was amazing how much happiness four words could bring.

I waited to see Bella. I wanted to tell her I would never let her go again as I helped her into the car when she left the hospital, but I didn't. It was too much, too soon. She needed time to recover and go through radiation treatment and didn't need me pressuring her like some pathetic idiot.

I went back to work the day after her surgery. Even though it was exhausting and a lot of pressure, it kept me from thinking about Bella every minute of the day, and that was a good thing. I felt like I was getting back a little balance in my life. I called her when I could and stopped by for a couple of quick visits.

I finally had an afternoon off and Bella insisted on making me lunch. She looked great. No, she looked wonderful. She was smiling and happy. It was a good day. The doctor had called her to tell her the results of the genetic test. She had only a 5% chance of reoccurrence so, yeah, it was a really good day.

She told me about her parents. After years of being in the middle of feuding parents and witnessing their unhappiness, Bella was ecstatic. I laughed as I thought about what Charlie told me at the restaurant. He really did understand me, more than I could ever have imagined.

After we ate lunch, Bella said she had a surprise and came out of the kitchen with two dishes.

And there it was.

Chocolate pudding.

Homemade chocolate pudding.

Honest to God, I almost cried.

I wanted to get down on my knees to worship her and thank her.

We both grabbed the same bowl, and our hands touched.

Bella looked at me, and I knew I had never seen anyone so beautiful.

It felt like I was back where I started, where we started.

It felt like a second chance.

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

**_Chapter Thirteen. Then._**

_If it wasn't for the downside, having cancer would be the best thing and everyone would want it. That's true. If it wasn't for the downside. – Gilda Radner_

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><p>I told Edward I was still in love with him on the last day of my radiation treatment.<p>

The weeks leading up to that day were the best of times and the worst of times, to paraphrase Mr. Dickens.

The best of times were with Edward.

Once again, we blended into each other's lives quickly and easily. It wasn't something we thought about or planned; it just happened, like it was meant to be. We spent as much time together as we could. We cooked dinners, went to the movies, and took long walks. Some nights, he just fell asleep on my couch out of sheer exhaustion from his long hours at the hospital. Those were my favorite times - watching him sleep, being able to touch his face or his hand, just having him there. It was on one of those nights that I admitted to myself what my heart already knew - I was still in love with him. There had never been anyone but Edward, not really. No matter who I was with, it was Edward I thought about, it was Edward I wanted. It was always Edward and those damn green eyes.

It was so obvious where we were heading. The unspoken love and want and need was swirling around us every time we were together. Our families knew, our friends knew and we knew, but we continued our 'just friends' thing and kept dancing around what we knew to be true. I knew Edward didn't want to push me and was giving me the time he thought I needed. I was ready to open my heart to him, yet I didn't say a word. I was waiting for something, and what that was I did not know. All I could do was keep on dancing and hope that I recognized whatever the hell I was waiting for when it finally appeared.

I thought I would just pick up where I left off and resume my old life, but things were different. I was different. I didn't start doing crazy shit like sky diving or climbing mountains or racing motorcycles the way some people do after a life changing event - the changes were more subtle. I wasn't as serious, and I worried less. I said 'fuck it' a little more often when there was a problem instead of forcing a solution and figured things would work themselves out, which they usually did. I definitely laughed more. My apartment was a little messier. I started saying no to things that I once said yes to out of obligation or guilt, and I cut off a couple of toxic friendships that brought me no joy. I treated myself better and indulged in things I never would have before. I started getting manicures and pedicures and had flowers painted on my toenails. I bought a bright red couch I totally didn't need just because I loved it. My life wasn't perfect, and there were still things that stressed me and people who annoyed me, but it was easier for me to let go and not allow them to ruin my day. Cancer definitely put my life in perspective, and I began to think of it and the things I learned along the way as the best of times in some twisted sort of way.

Going back to work was also the best of times. I was so anxious to see my kids again. I had missed them so much, more than I ever thought I would. Even that was different. I had a greater appreciation of their innocence, their willingness to learn and experience new things. They looked at every new day as an adventure, knowing that the possibility of wonderful things to come was unlimited, and I related to that more than I ever had. I always tried to be a good teacher, and I think I was, but I knew I was a better teacher because of the changes in my life.

I started radiation treatment two weeks after I went back to work. The first appointment was called the simulation. During simulation, the technicians worked out the exact position I needed to be in so the radiation beam was directed accurately to the area where the tumor was with a minimum impact on the areas around it. The area was marked with tiny tattoos that would eventually fade, and I laughed at that one. My first tattoos, and they were for freaking radiation treatment. Fate was surely fucking with me again, I thought. I was also fit with a body mold that would help me stay in position.

I'm not going to lie. I was scared shitless the day I started the actual treatment. My parents came back to stay with me for a while, and I was never so glad to have them with me because I was overwhelmed. I was walking in to have the cancer that could kill me treated with radiation that had its own dangers, and I was doing it willingly. It all seemed so crazy to me.

The technicians would give me the treatment every day, but the first session warranted a visit from the main man, the Radiation Oncologist, himself. As the technicians were getting me ready, drawing lines and lining up this massive machine that shot radiation beams and would supposedly save my life, he explained again how important this treatment was and talked to me about the side effects and things to watch for. When it was time to begin the radiation, he told me how safe the treatment was as they all practically ran out of the room, shut the lead door that protected them, and left me with the radiation. Well, they didn't really run, but it seemed like they did at the time.

Even though I knew the technicians were right outside observing me, I don't think I ever felt so alone. The room was cold and sterile. The table was hard and uncomfortable. Because I had to stay perfectly still during the treatment, the only thing to look at was the clock on the wall. I kept telling myself, "_It's only fifteen minutes. You can do this. It's just fifteen minutes"._ I thought about what would happen if I had a coughing fit. I wondered how I'd feel afterward.

It was the longest fifteen minutes of my life.

The machine went off, and the technician came in to help me up. As I stood up, I realized, amazingly, that after fifteen minutes of being zapped with high dose radiation, I didn't feel any different. I was fine. My skin was a little red, and I had to put moisturizer on the area later, but my blue breast and I were in pretty damn good shape. As I walked into the waiting room, I saw the relief in my parents' faces when they saw I was okay. I honestly think they expected me to be glowing neon green or something. The second appointment was a little easier, and I asked all the questions I didn't know to ask at the first appointment. It turns out coughing fits were not a problem - the technicians could turn off the machine immediately if anything disastrous happened.

And so it went - radiation to start the day for seven weeks, five days a week. Radiation oncology patients had an assigned time to get their treatment every day and had to take whatever slot was available. I was lucky enough to score an early morning appointment that left me plenty of time to get to school, and I felt like I hit the jackpot. The treatments became easier, and I didn't feel like that fifteen minutes was an eternity any more. I breezed through the first two weeks and talked my parents into going home, promising I would call if I needed them.

The worst of times began during the fourth week.

Going for my treatments every morning and trying to keep up with my kids was becoming more difficult. I was completely exhausted. Exhaustion was a common side effect of the radiation, but it hit me hard. I thought about taking time off of work, but I wasn't ready. It was difficult for me to admit I couldn't keep working. It made me feel weak, that somehow breast cancer was winning, and I desperately fought to hold on until I couldn't. I thought about calling my parents, but I didn't. I'd put them through so much already, and I didn't want them to see me like that. I worried about how I was going to drive myself to my treatments, but I shouldn't have - Edward, Esme, Carlisle, Emmett and Rose all took turns driving me. I didn't have to ask. One of them just turned up on my doorstep every morning and stayed with me afterward as I slept and rested.

On a day Esme spent with me, I woke up covered by a beautiful quilt she made me with the word 'Courage' stitched in the middle, and ended up crying in her arms. The courage thing got to me. At that moment, I didn't feel very courageous. I was weak and exhausted and disappointed in myself for being weak and exhausted, for not being stronger. I thought about my cancer ladies, who had been through so much more, and was angry with myself. Esme told me I was being too hard on myself, but I couldn't help but think I had somehow failed.

I carried this feeling of failure into my final treatment until the doctor presented me with a _**Certificate of Merit and Perfect Attendance**_ signed by the entire staff, congratulating me for completing radiation therapy with the highest degree of courage, determination and good nature. It was so fucking corny, but I loved it - and I realized I earned it. I had just gone through seven weeks of radiation treatment and came out the other side. I didn't meet the high, probably unrealistic expectations I set for myself, but in the end, that didn't matter. All that mattered was that I did it, that I showed up every day and did what I needed to do. I didn't know if that was courage, but it surely felt like it at that moment. A few weeks later, I framed that corny certificate and proudly put it where I would see it every day to remind myself of my victory, as imperfect as it was.

That evening was cold and rainy. Edward came over after his shift and brought take out for dinner. Of course, he had his chocolate pudding for dessert. No matter how crappy I felt, it became my mission to always have homemade chocolate pudding for him. I did it to make up for the eight years he missed out on eating it, but I think listening to him moan as he ate it, watching him put it into his sexy, beautiful mouth and lick the spoon afterward also might have had something to do with it. Watching Edward eat chocolate pudding was truly a very pleasurable experience.

He fell asleep on the couch. I had the Enchanted DVD he bought me to celebrate the end of my radiation playing, but I wasn't watching it - I was watching him. He looked so beautiful and peaceful.

That's when I heard it.

I grabbed the remote and hit rewind. Giselle was explaining how she could marry a prince she only knew for one day.

There it was, what I was waiting for - a line from a silly fucking Disney movie.

_"Well, I know what's in his heart."_

I thought about the advice Angela gave me the night before my surgery.

"Don't overthink it. Let it happen. Take the time you need, Bella, but please, when the time is right, go with your heart, kiddo, go with your heart.""

I realized that was exactly what I had been doing. I told myself it was too soon to feel what I did for Edward. I told myself it had been eight years since I'd seen him, that I had to give it time, get to know him again. I told myself my feelings were too much, too soon, too crazy. I told myself to wait for the right moment when in fact, every moment I spent with Edward was right. He was the same person I fell in love years ago, just older and wiser. He had the same kindness, the same capacity and willingness to love and understand, and the same giving nature and optimism. He still made me laugh with his corny jokes and gave me silly presents. I saw who he was as he kept me company and lovingly took care of me through my hard days. He was considerate and tender. and he loved me. He loved me so much. I could feel it every time he looked at me.

I knew what was in his heart.

I asked myself what I was waiting for when I had everything I wanted and needed asleep on the couch three feet away from me. I loved him. I wanted to grow old with him. I wanted to wake up to him every morning and go to sleep in his arms every night. I wanted a life with him, and I wanted that life to start immediately. We had waited long enough.

We were quite the pair, the two of us. I was exhausted from the radiation, and he was exhausted from the hospital. He was wearing his wrinkled hospital scrubs, and I was wearing a pair of sweats and a ten-year-old sweatshirt. Neither one of us had the energy to even take a shower. I thought about waiting for a better time, a different night, but I knew I couldn't, It was time to walk through the new door we opened weeks before. It definitely wasn't the romantic setting I had imagined, but somehow, it felt magical, and I knew it was our moment.

I sat on the floor next to the couch and stared at him for a while before trying to wake him up. Edward must have felt me looking at him because he opened his eyes and squinted at me.

"Hey. Are you okay? Do you need something," he asked as he rubbed his face, trying to wake up.

"I'm fine, Edward. But yes, I do need something."

He stretched and sat up.

"Okay, I'm up. Tell me what you need."

"I need you, Edward. I always have. I love you."

He just looked at me. Maybe he thought he was dreaming. He opened his mouth to speak a couple of times, but couldn't say anything. He put his head in his hands and shook his head. When he looked up, the love in his eyes and the happiness in his smile told me all I needed to know. After he pulled me up on his lap, wrapped me in his arms and kissed me - a passionate kiss that almost made up for all the kisses we missed - he said the words I needed to hear and walked through that open door with me.

"I love you, too. It's always been you, Bella. It's always been you."

It was the best of times as my life changed again, and my very own fairy tale began.

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	14. Chapter 14

**_Chapter Fourteen. Then._**

**_Robert_**_:__ I just want her to be strong, you know? To be able to face the world for what it is. That's why I don't encourage the fairy tales. I don't want to set her up to believe in this "dreams come true" nonsense. _

**_Giselle_**_**:** But dreams do come true. And maybe something wonderful will happen._

**_Robert:_**_ Yeah, well, I forgot who I was talking to._

_From the movie Enchanted_

* * *

><p>It was a beautiful day for a wedding.<p>

I'd been to a lot of weddings, but none were as touching as Charlie and Renee's wedding. There was just something in the air - love, hope, renewal - that made the day magical, and there wasn't a dry eye as Charlie and Renee let go of the past and committed to their future together. It was beautiful to watch. I'd never seen two people who were more willing to forgive, make amends and search their souls to find their way back to each other.

I probably should have been looking at Renee and Charlie as they exchanged their vows, but all I could see was Bella, my Bella. She was so beautiful as she watched her father, who was a little uncomfortable and a little embarrassed, speak of second chances and weak knees and the love he had for her mother.

"I don't know who wrote these words, but they express how I feel about you perfectly, Renee, so I hope the author doesn't mind if I borrow them. _I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me. Love is knowing all about someone and still wanting to be with them more than any other person. Love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of. Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you. _Renee, I'm not sure I deserve this second chance, but you're giving it to me anyway. I love you. Always have and always will - I promise you that."

Second chances. They fucking rocked, I thought, as I watched Bella.

I still felt like I was in a dream. If someone had told me a year before that I would wake up on a cold, rainy night to Bella telling me she loved me, I would have laughed in their face, but I did and she did, and life couldn't have been sweeter. Life wasn't perfect, and I still couldn't get her to put her damn shoes away, but it didn't need to be perfect. It just needed to be.

Our love was different the second time around. We had lived through tragic mistakes and time wasted and that gave us an appreciation that some people never have for each other. Time was precious to both of us, and we weren't about to waste a moment.

There was the cancer, of course, and it changed Bella in ways she never expected. She was terrified when the safe life she had carefully built was turned upside down in that moment she found out she had cancer, but what she was left with was so much more than she ever imagined it could be. She never felt so alive and never appreciated the moments of her life more, she said. She believed fate was on our side, and we would have met again on another path even if she didn't have cancer, but she also knew it would have taken her longer, much longer, to feel safe enough to take a chance on us again. She said it would be crazy to be grateful for the cancer because it brought us together, but she was in a strange sort of way. I honestly didn't know what to say to that. "_Yeah, I'm really glad you had breast cancer also because it brought you back to me?_" I just couldn't go there even though I saw her point. I decided right then and there that only cancer survivors were allowed to be weirdly grateful for their cancer; the rest of us could only be grateful for still having them by our side.

We talked about our past, and it turned out to be a harder conversation than we thought it would be. When we were completely honest with each other, neither one of us thought things would have worked out if we had managed to get back together again when we were young. Bella said she knew she would have held a part of herself from me and would not have been able to offer the absolute trust and faith she had for me. I looked back at myself, seeing the lessons I needed to learn, and wasn't sure if I would have learned them if Bella had come back to me. I was weak and easily led and needed to become my own man before I had any chance of making a life with her. In the end, Bella convinced me to look forward, not backward.

"Sometimes life is all about the timing, and this is our time," she told me.

Not looking back was easier said than done for me at times, though, and the regret I had would creep up on me at the most unexpected times. I never said anything to Bella, but she knew; somehow she always knew. When she knew, she wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear.

"Move past this, Edward, and forgive yourself. I love you completely and trust you completely. We are here now, and that's all that matters."

At those moments, her love for me, her faith in me, and her gift of forgiveness touched my soul. There is no other way to describe it.

We didn't make any big announcement about getting back together. We didn't have to after my dad caught us kissing in the kitchen one night when my parents came to visit Bella. Now, this man was a doctor, a big shot at the hospital, and was usually very controlled and calm, but I thought he was going to literally wet his pants with excitement that night. He hugged and kissed us both and ran into the living room to tell my mom like a little gossipy old lady. Mom started crying and spent about ten minutes hugging us, telling us how happy she was. Once my mom knew, of course, the phone calls began.

The first person she called was Renee who obviously told Charlie. Renee was thrilled, but I was a little worried about Charlie's reaction, even after our talk. I didn't have to wait long to find out what that was because he called and asked to speak to me.

"Hey, Charlie, what's up?"

"So you did it. You got her back."

"Yes, Charlie, I think I did."

"Good. Don't screw it up," he said as he hung up on me.

I looked at the phone and tried to figure out what the hell that was all about. Bella looked at me, curious to know what he said, and got a huge smile on her face when I told her. "_That's good, Edward. That's very good_," she told me._ "Charlie just told you he was happy for us." _ That wasn't quite what I got out of our little conversation, but I took Bella's word for it since she knew him. The man just baffled me, and I wondered if Charlie and I would ever speak the same language.

While this was going on, Mom called Alice and Rose and told them the news. Alice said she saw this coming and was not surprised, of course, and Rose said it was about time I got my head out of my ass, that she always knew Bella was the only one for me. Alice wanted to plan another dinner, but Bella wasn't up to going out so our families descended upon us a few nights later with dinner and flowers in hand.

It was the first time Renee and Charlie had seen Bella since the beginning of her radiation treatment, and they were upset about how worn out she was. I watched Charlie hug her with tears in eyes and ask why she didn't call them.

"I just couldn't. I've put you guys through so much already. Everyone helped me, especially Edward. He took such wonderful care of me, Dad. I don't know what I would have done without him. Don't worry about me, please. Really, I'm fine. Just a little tired."

He looked at me, and I realized maybe there was hope for Charlie and me, that we had one thing in common we might be able to build a relationship on - our love for Bella.

Later, he put his arm around me.

"Thanks, Edward."

That was it, just those two words, but he didn't need to say anything else. I knew what he was saying. He was thanking me for being there for Bella and telling me he trusted me with his daughter.

I finally understood Charlie-speak.

Sometimes Bella and I would just look at each other and smile. Our life was truly a dream come true. Bella being Bella with all her fate, love and magical moments stuff called it her very own fairy tale. Life isn't always a fairy tale, though, and things like cancer get in the way. Bella was still dealing with the effects of her radiation treatment, and it took a couple of weeks for her to even feel like she was starting to get some of her strength back. This put sex on hold, of course, which we both thought was pretty damn ironic, but there was no guilt or frustration. The most important thing was Bella's health and recovery, and we both knew it would happen soon enough.

And it did, on the same Sunday Renee and Charlie were married. I woke up to Bella giggling and blowing lightly in my face early that morning. She had this thing about my nose wiggling when she did this and found it highly entertaining. I thought it was kind of weird, but it made her smile and laugh, and I was up for anything that made her happy. I grabbed her and kissed her, singing "Ever, Ever After" from Enchanted in her ear like some crazy, deranged nut.

"You poor guy. You actually know all the words. I think I've made you watch that movie way too many times," she said, laughing.

"You definitely have, Ms. Swan, and you are going to pay for that. I haven't figured out how, but I promise you will."

She kissed me then. It was definitely not a fun, teasing kiss. It was passionate and full of need.

"I love you for doing that. I hope you know that."

She pulled me to her.

"Maybe I can think of something to make up for all your hours of agony watching Enchanted, Dr. Cullen."

And so it began.

I could not get close enough to her. I could not get enough of her.

Later, as I held her while she slept, it was probably the most peaceful moment I'd ever had in my life. Fate brought us back to each other along a long, complicated path, and we were finally exactly where we were meant to be. She was with me, and the world felt right.

I was definitely paid back in full for watching that silly fucking movie.

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	15. Chapter 15

**_Chapter Fifteen. Then._**

_**Giselle:** Now if only I can find a place to rest my head for the night._

**_Robert Philip_**_:__ What kind of place?_

**_Giselle__:_**_ I don't know. Maybe a nearby meadow or a hollow tree._

**_Robert Philip_**_:__ A hollow tree? _

**_Giselle__:_**_ Or a house full of dwarves. I hear they're very hospitable._

_From the movie Enchanted_

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><p>I brought the last box in and collapsed on the couch next to Bella.<p>

The weeks had turned to months since we became us again.

Bella went back to her kids, and I continued working long hours at the hospital. We still watched _Enchanted_, of course, and Bella made sure I was paid back for every second I did. Boy, did she ever. I always thought I would be the one who wouldn't be able to get enough of her, but I was completely wrong on that one. Bella could not get enough of me. She wanted to make up for lost time, she said, and she definitely succeeded in doing that. Not that I was complaining. I welcomed everything she was willing to give, and give she did. My Bella had a wild, adventurous side I never imagined her having for some reason. It was like a gift from the gods, and I was in heaven. We had our nights of sweet, slow, romantic lovemaking, but we also had nights of unbelievably hot sex. I mean, it practically killed me, it was so hot. I learned one thing. You have to watch out for those teachers, especially after class is over. She told me she had never been like that with anyone, that it was me who brought it out in her. I hated thinking about her with anyone else, but damn, that made it easier to bear.

Yeah, my sweet Bella had some real surprises for me in the bedroom.

Actually, there wasn't an aspect of our life that didn't surprise me. It all came together so easily. It flowed into a peaceful rhythm, as if fate had this perfect path laid out for us. It just worked. Maybe it was because of who we were. Neither one of us had a lot of insecurities or baggage. We had worked through most of our issues in the time we were apart. We both had great relationships with our families and didn't have any horrible childhood angst to recover from or deal with. We weren't clingy, dependent types, and we both had careers we loved that kept us interested and engaged. We didn't have money issues. Neither one of us was particularly jealous, and neither one of us gave the other a reason to be jealous. Bella had friends, interests, and a life of her own and understood and coped with my long hours at the hospital remarkably well. We were basically homebodies and enjoyed the simple things like making dinner while we drank some wine and talked. We were both neat people around the house except for her damn shoes that were everywhere, and we both did our share of cleaning and shopping. Well, sometimes more of that that fell to Bella, but she didn't seem to mind. We didn't go overboard and get all dramatic when we annoyed each other, and usually ended up laughing at how petty and ridiculous we were being. We were pretty damn normal. Maybe some would have called us disgustingly normal.

As always, though, things like cancer get in the way of even the most idyllic, happiest life. Bella's oncologist recommended a hormonal therapy for five years that would block the actions of estrogen that stimulates breast cancers like Bella's. I agreed with the doctor and was all for it. I wanted her to take anything that would prevent her from getting breast cancer again. I knew the genetic test showed her chance of reoccurrence was only 5%, but tests weren't infallible, and I wasn't willing to take the risk.

Bella was not one to take a lot of medications and hated the thought of having to take anything for five years. She talked to her breast cancer ladies about it. She talked to my mom. We talked about it. She researched the side effects, and there were tons of them. None of them were pleasant, especially for a woman as young as Bella, but she also read how effective the drug was in preventing breast cancer again and committed to giving it a try.

She filled the prescription, brought it home and set it on the kitchen countertop. At least once a day, sometimes more, she would pick up the bottle, put a pill in her hand, stare at it, and put it back in the bottle. I watched her do this day after day and didn't say a word. After two weeks, I finally asked her about it.

"So, Bella, honey, are you going to take those pills or just stare at the bottle for the rest of your life?"

That earned me a dirty look. Wrong thing to say. I kept my mouth shut after that and let her do it in her own time.

A week later, she took her first pill.

I thought everything was okay those first few weeks. She was having physical side effects, but seemed to be managing them. She appeared to be a little depressed, but the doctor in me thought it would pass.

I came home one night and found her crying.

"Hey, hey. What's going on?"

I tried to hug her, but she pushed me away.

"What's going on is I am ending this treatment, Edward, right here, right now. I refuse to take one more pill. Yeah, I know, I can see it in your face. You're disappointed. Well, you know what? I don't care. I am done."

I thought like a doctor at that moment. I couldn't help it.

"Bella, it's just the side effects of the medication. Give it a chance. I'm sure they will disappear in time. It will get better. It's a very effective treatment, and I'd like to see you stay on it."

She got up and started pacing. I watched her take a few deep breaths to try to calm herself down, but it didn't work. I had never seen her so upset.

"Ok, _Doctor Cullen_. Here's an idea: you take it if it's so wonderful. I am not willing to see if things get better. Take your wonderful medication and shove it up your ass."

"Bella, stop. Calm down."

"No! I won't calm down. This is me being _cured_ by your wonder drugs. Lovely, isn't it? I bet you'll just come rushing home to me every night. Do you honestly think I'm going to do this for five years? Sorry, but I have news for you. I'll gladly take my chances on getting breast cancer again. I refuse to let the fear of getting cancer again rule my life, and I will not give up my happiness or my peace of mind. Do you get that? I would rather get breast cancer again, even die from it, than live the way I have been living. So, do you get it now, _Doctor_ _Cullen_?"

She was crying hysterically. It was then when I realized how bad her depression was and how much she hid from me.

I stopped thinking like a doctor.

I held her while she cried. I told her I loved her and not to worry, that we would figure everything out. I told her there was nothing that could ever make me think less of her.

When she was calm, she told me how scared she was. She was convinced that she would never be the same, that the depression would scar her for the rest of her life if she let it go on.

"I feel like I'm sinking into a black hole I'll never get out of. Honest to God, I think I'm losing my mind, myself, who I am."

Of course, she tried to hide everything from me because that's what Bella does. She tried to get through what was happening to her, hoping it would get better. When it didn't, she went in to discuss the depression with her oncologist that afternoon. She told him she was able to handle the physical side effects, but the depression was bringing her to her knees. He basically told her to stop whining and to deal with it, that this was the price to be paid when you had cancer. He told her other women went through worse and didn't complain. There was no compassion, no suggestions to improve her mood or even much interest in what she was going through from him. She walked out of the office feeling like she didn't have any options until she got home and knew exactly what her option was.

I was unbelievably angry with that oncologist. Bella never did like him and wanted to find someone else, but I convinced her to stick with him. He was the best is what they said at the hospital. I was ready to pay him a visit until Bella told me not to bother. She looked a little embarrassed when said she 'kind of' called him an asshole and told him to go fuck himself as she walked out the door. I laughed and gave her a kiss. That was my Bella.

We talked for a long time. I'm sure it was a conversation many families touched by cancer had. When do you say enough? How do you decide when to choose quality of life over medication and treatment? They were hard questions for me, but they weren't for Bella. For her, the answer came easily.

"This isn't living, Edward. I won't continue the treatment."

In the end, I knew I could not watch her suffer. The answer for me was to support her even though the doctor in me had mixed feelings. She kissed me, thanked me for my understanding, and never once regretted her decision.

Another surprise was how quickly Bella became herself again after she stopped the hormone therapy. She said she felt like she was reborn. She laughed at herself and thought that was corny, but said that was the only way she could describe it. We found another oncologist, someone she felt comfortable with and trusted. She also recommended hormonal treatment and suggested another medication, but understood that Bella needed some time before she could think about trying something else. She told Bella to go home, relax, live her life, and come back in a month. It eased Bella's mind, and I wanted to kiss that angel of a doctor.

She kept apologizing to me about how crazy she got, and I kept telling her it wasn't necessary. I told her it wasn't her fault, that it was the medication, and the only thing I wanted from her was a promise to share her struggles with me along with her joy. I told her worrying about her was my job, that it was all part of this love thing we had between us. She smiled and whispered she had something else to share besides her sorrow that I might like as she pulled me to the bedroom. That night, I ended up getting the promise I needed from her and much, much more.

It also surprised me that I didn't care about paying for an apartment I barely stepped foot in. I was too happy to care. My place was beige and boring, and Bella's apartment was warm and comfortable and became our home. It wasn't planned; it was another thing that just happened. The leases on both places were up at the same time. We knew I would dump my apartment, but we couldn't decide whether we wanted to stay at least another year in Bella's place. We could have used more room, but we both would have been content to stay where we were. We decided to look at a few apartments just to see what was out there and hated all of them. None of them were home.

As we were driving to the last appointment, we both saw the Open House sign at the same time.

"Oh, Edward, this is too cliché. A white picket fence? Really?"

I could see she was as drawn to the house as I was, though.

It was an old cottage, gray and white with a faded red front door surrounded by a white picket fence, flowers and beautiful old trees.

It wasn't huge, but there was enough room to build a life. I saw family dinners in the dining room, our Christmas tree in the family room, and cookouts in the backyard. I saw nights snuggling with Bella in front of the fireplace. I saw us cooking breakfast in the kitchen and having a glass of wine on the deck. I saw us making love in the bedroom. I even saw a couple of kids running through the house, happy, laughing, looking for their mom, and I saw us growing old there, playing with our grandchildren.

I saw us in every room, in every inch of that house.

I saw the same look on Bella's face and knew we were where we should be, where we belonged.

We weren't planning on buying a house, and we didn't. We bought a home.

And after the last box was unpacked, after we made love for the first time in our home, I looked out the window at our backyard and saw the first thing I imagined the day we found the house.

A wedding.

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	16. Chapter 16

_**Chapter Sixteen.**__** Then and Now. **_

_"Never mind!" – Gilda Radner as __Roseanne Rosannadanna on Saturday Night Live_

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><p><strong>Then...<strong>

I woke up to an empty bed. I saw Edward standing at the window again, staring out at the backyard.

He did this a lot since we moved into the house. When I asked him why, he simply said he liked what he saw.

On that night, he had something in his hand, something he would look at occasionally.

I got out of bed quietly, walked over to him and put my arms around his waist.

"Hey, baby," he said as pulled me closer and gave me a kiss.

It was a beautiful night, a clear, cloudless night. A full moon lit up the backyard, and the trees moved slightly in the light breeze.

He seemed to be so preoccupied, and I wondered what he was thinking about.

"What do you see when you look out the window, Edward?"

He didn't say anything. He just continued staring out the window.

After a few minutes, he answered me.

"Hmm. What do I see, she wants to know. Well… I see a warm evening and those little white lights you love and candles everywhere, maybe even some sparklers. I see our family and friends. I see a cake and champagne just about there and an arch covered with all your favorite flowers under that tree. That one right there."

He pointed to a beautiful weeping willow in the middle of our yard.

"And I see myself standing there, waiting."

"What are you waiting for, Edward?"

He took a deep breath as he looked at me. My heart was racing.

"I'm waiting for you, of course. I'm waiting for my bride."

It was then he showed me the ring he had been looking at.

Before I could catch my breath, he asked me to marry him.

Before he could catch his, I said yes.

He said he had been thinking about asking me to marry him since the moment we found the house. He even went to Forks to ask Charlie for my hand in marriage. He wasn't sure if I was ready, but he bought a ring anyway, a ring he hoped I would love, and waited for the right moment. He didn't know what made that particular evening so special, so right. He just knew it was as I stood there next to him. Maybe it was how beautiful I looked in the moonlight, he said.

My answer to his concerns came easily.

I didn't believe in long engagements, and I didn't believe in wasting a moment. I loved him. This was what I wanted - to tie myself to him in every way possible and spend the rest of my life with him, however long that was. I told him that and showed him that later in the early morning hours when we went back to our bed.

Three months later, we did what Edward saw, exactly the way he saw it, right down to the sparklers. Edward loved sparklers. We were married at twilight, our favorite time of day, surrounded by our family and friends and the love we had for each other.

Edward was probably the only man who had ever planned every detail of his wedding. I think he would have picked out my dress if I had let him. When I teased him about it later, he would just laugh and tell me he finally found his feminine side.

I thought of our wedding every time I walked out back, every time I looked out the window - so many beautiful memories, so many touching, magical moments. One of the most touching came from my dad of all people as he was congratulating us.

"Bells, you are the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. Well, except for your mom, of course. You grab onto all happiness you can... you deserve it. I love you, kiddo," he said as he kissed and hugged me.

He turned to Edward then, giving him a big hug.

"Congratulations, son."

He hesitated for a moment. I could see he was starting to tear up and trying not to.

"And, Edward, when I call you son, I mean that in every sense of the word."

I honestly don't know what made Edward happier that day - marrying me or becoming Charlie's son. It was definitely a toss-up.

We had a glorious honeymoon in Hawaii. We stayed in a beautiful hotel with our own mini-pool and hot tub and all the privacy in the world. The place was perfect for romance and passion and hot, wild sex. If I had my way, we would never have left that room, but Edward insisted on going to the beach because, after all, we had traveled all the way to Hawaii to see some fucking sunshine and palm trees. That made me laugh. My husband definitely had a way with words.

Married life was even better than 'living together' life.

We spent time with our family and friends, celebrating birthdays and anniversaries, and sometimes celebrating nothing except life and each other. We had a lot of cookouts and dinners at our house, and it was a second home to everyone. I even let Edward have a birthday party for me - the first one in many years.

I felt great. I had started on a different hormonal treatment the year before, and things were going well. We both held our breath, waiting for the depression, but it never appeared.

Angela and I became closer and was the sister I never had. Luckily, Edward and Ben liked each other and had much in common because they really didn't have much of a choice about spending time together. Edward adored their kids, and I couldn't help thinking about what it would be like to have a child of our own as I watched him play with Lauren and Mike. Angela was off chemo, and her future looked bright. We all had hope the worst was over. We had discovered Facebook by then, and Angela and I started leaving each other two hearts every day, just two hearts, to remind each other how lucky we were to have another day. It comforted my soul every time I saw her post those hearts.

The moments of our life passed by, and we cherished each and every one of them.

It all seemed so easy, almost too easy.

**************.

**Now...**

The Race for the Cure and our six month wedding anniversary. If someone had told me a few years before that I would be celebrating both of these events, I would have laughed at them hysterically.

It was a typical overcast, dreary Seattle day, of course, but the sea of pink made it seem brighter and more cheerful. I was overwhelmed by how many people were there and by all the survivors proudly wearing their pink Survivor t-shirts and hats. I looked around and had to laugh at my crew. I saw pink boas, hats and beads and even pink hair on everyone, thanks to Alice. At first, the guys bitched about the pink hair, but Alice always did have a way of getting what she wanted. Charlie was hilarious, and I took a million pictures of him until me told me to shove my camera where the sun doesn't shine. Angela was the most beautiful. Her hair was starting to grow in again, curly this time, and she had all these little pink ringlets all over her head. She was adorable.

The guys ran the big race early in the morning, and I thought Edward was going to have a heart attack. I told him to train more, but no, why would he listen to me, being the big time doctor and all? Even though my husband almost collapsed at the end, it was still thrilling to watch them cross the finish line as Melissa Etheridge singing "I Run for Life' blared over the loud speakers.

"_I run for hope,_

_I run to feel,_

_I run for the truth,_

_For all that is real._

_I run for your mother, your sister, your daughter, your wife,_

_For you and me, my friend,_

_I run for life."_

We all did the Family Walk, and I never felt as close to my family and friends as I did that day. They made a big deal out of Esme, Angela, and me to let us know how much they loved us and that we were all in this together. That feeling of love and support surrounded us and the families we walked with. We were all strangers, but we all had one thing in common – we were all touched by breast cancer. Sadly, though, not everyone gets their happy ending. There were many families who had suffered losses, and they carried signs and pictures of their loved ones, celebrating their lives and honoring their memory. They touched my heart, bringing tears to my eyes, and Edward pulled me closer as we felt the loss of each family.

After the walk, I went to find us some water, and saw a guy who looked familiar, but couldn't place him. I walked a little further, figured out who he was, and stopped in my tracks. I turned around to make sure it was who I thought it was and saw that he was staring at me.

It was Jake, Edward's old roommate, and he was walking toward me.

"Bella? It is you. I almost didn't recognize you with that pink hair."

He acted like he was glad to see me, like we were actually friends at one time. I wondered if this idiot was for real.

"Yup, it's me… otherwise known as "The Little Princess" to you and your dick brother, asshole."

Apparently, I was still a little angry.

I thought he'd come back with something equally shitty, but he surprised me when he laughed.

"Yeah, well, there's no doubt I deserve that. You're still feisty, I see."

He looked at my Survivor shirt then, and I saw sadness in his eyes. It made me warm up to him just a bit as I realized he was there for someone, that he also had been touched by breast cancer.

At that moment, Edward came over, wondering what was taking me so long.

"Come on, Bella, let's go. No need to ruin your day talking to an asshole."

Apparently, he was also still a little angry.

Jake grabbed my arm as we were walking away, and Edward turned to him in a rage.

"Get your goddamn hand off of her NOW, motherfucker."

I thought I would be seeing the first fist fight in the history of the Race for the Cure. I had never seen Edward so angry. Ordinarily, all that testosterone would be a huge turn on for me – there is nothing like Macho Edward – but it scared the hell out of me as I pulled Jake's arm off of me and tried to get Edward away from him.

"Edward, Bella, please, don't go. Could you just give me a few minutes? Please."

"What the fuck for?" Edward asked.

"So I can apologize to both of you. Please. It won't take long."

Edward looked at me, and I nodded yes.

"Okay, start talking. You've got two minutes."

It actually took longer than two minutes to hear his story of sorrow and redemption - much, much longer.

Jake's life continued on as it was before Edward left until the year his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and everything changed. He said he tried his best to be there for her while still carrying on his drinking, drugging and womanizing as her health went downhill. One night, he decided to stop off for a drink, just one drink, with his brother after leaving the hospital. He told himself that is was to relieve the pain of losing his mom, of watching her suffer, but he knew that wasn't true. He knew he needed that drink desperately. Of course, it turned into something more than one drink, and neither one of them heard the phone calls from their father throughout the night. His mother was nearing her last hours and asking for them as they lay drunk and passed out. Tragically, by the time they talked to their dad, she was gone.

His face was tortured.

"Now, please tell me, what kind of person would do something like that while their mom was dying and asking for them?"

I could see that it was still hard for him to even speak about it. As always, breast cancer changes things, whether it's mine or someone else's, and I found myself feeling more sympathy for him than I ever thought I could. I always wanted karma to catch up with this guy, but not like that. I would never have wished that on anyone. I looked at Edward and saw compassion replace his anger and knew he was thinking the same thing.

"My mom loved me unconditionally. No matter what I did, no matter how I screwed up, she was always there for me. So was my dad. And I repaid them by disrespecting both of them and letting them both down on the last day of her life. My biggest regret in life will always be the fact that I didn't tell her those things, that I didn't even say goodbye."

It was one of those dreadful moments in life a person can't hide from. He looked in the mirror and hated who he saw. The day after his mom's funeral, he left his brother behind and checked himself into rehab. Later, he joined AA and went back to school. It took him a long time to forgive himself. It took him even longer to be able to look his father in the eye. It took the love of a good woman to help him do that. He met her in the library of all places, and she brought hope, truth and dignity into his life. He told us his journey was difficult, but it was far easier than living an empty life. He was a nurse and also volunteered to help teenagers with alcohol and drug problems. Edward laughed at that; he couldn't help himself.

Jake smiled. "I know, it's hard to believe that shit, isn't it?"

He said he tried every day to live a life his mom would be proud of and came to the Race for the Cure every year to honor her memory with his family.

His brother never did straighten out, and he didn't see him much. He said he seemed to be in his own private hell.

Just then, Jake's wife and dad joined us with Jake's baby daughter, a beautiful little girl named Cathy after his mom. When Jake introduced us, his wife looked a little shocked. It was obvious she knew who we were.

"Yeah, I told her the story. She knows everything about me - the good, bad and the ugly - and through some miracle that I know I don't deserve, she still loves me. Go figure."

His father looked at him with pride and took his precious granddaughter for a walk while we were talking.

He told us he had made amends to many people, but we were the two he most wanted to apologize to. There was just something about our love for each other that kept us on his mind, maybe because he finally began to understand it as it came into his life. He said he would have done it sooner, but he didn't know where we were.

"And since I'm all about honesty these days… I was also scared Edward might kill me."

He didn't go into all the whys as he apologized, but what he told us was enough. It was a heartfelt apology, one that we didn't feel was necessary, but accepted anyway because that's what he needed. Edward told Jake that he never blamed him for what happened, that the responsibility was all on him no matter what Jake and his brother did. He told him he had things to learn also, that Jake was not the only one, and Jake was surprised by that. He assumed we had been together since that time and said he was happy about that. Edward and I didn't tell him anything different; there was no point.

We exchanged phone numbers, not really expecting to dial the phone or see each other again. Jake and his wife wished me a long, healthy life, and I told them I was well on my way, thinking about my mammogram the next day.

Edward and I looked at each other as we walked away. It was such an odd moment, and I wondered if his mind was going down the same path as mine. Even though we had put all this behind us, I couldn't help thinking what if? What if Edward had never moved into that apartment, had never met Jake and his brother? Would we have lost all those years? Would something else have separated us? Those what ifs haunted me for the rest of the afternoon.

Before the closing ceremony, survivors were asked to sit in the bleachers behind the stage. It was sobering and inspiring to be among so many breast cancer survivors. As I sat between Esme and Angela, holding their hands, I looked out at the crowd that was there for us, giving us their time, their money, their love and their hope, and I was thankful. I heard our names and found my family, yelling and clapping for us. Edward mouthed 'I love you', and I realized how incredibly lucky I was. All those haunting questions were replaced with gratitude for what I had, and the past went back to its proper place.

Later, Edward told me he asked himself the same questions.

We both agreed that it was a waste of our moments, of our precious time. We were together again, and that's all that mattered.

We made slow, beautiful love that night and whispered how much we loved each other, how happy we were.

It was truly my very own fairy tale there in our enchanted cottage, and I was surely married to my prince.

It was perfect.

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p>

There's a link in my profile to a picture of their house  
>and some of my favorite pictures from the Denver Race for the Cure and<p> 


	17. Chapter 17

**_Chapter Seventeen. Now._**

_Part 2 – It's always something. - Gilda Radner_

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><p>Edward kissed me goodbye and gave me that look, the same look he's been giving me the past couple of weeks. I smiled and kissed him back, trying to pretend everything was alright, but we both knew it wasn't. I couldn't bring myself to look into his eyes because I knew what I would see – the worry, the questioning, and the pleading for me to talk to him, to not shut him out. I knew I was hurting him, and I hated myself for it, but I couldn't say the words.<p>

I couldn't tell him I might have breast cancer again.

I sighed as I watched him drive away. I had another cup of coffee and thought about what the doctor would tell me in just about two hours. Three biopsies - I really hit the jackpot. I tried to figure out the odds of not having breast cancer if I had three suspicious areas. I knew they weren't good and decided not fool myself into thinking they were. After a long shower staring at the breasts that were betraying me, I threw on a pair of jeans and a blouse and realized it was the same outfit I wore for THE mammogram, the mammogram I was so excited about, the mammogram that would set me free.

I was so happy and excited that day.

"Bella, honey, you're going to get your boobs squished, not to a party."

I laughed as I sat on the bed, putting on my shoes.

"It feels like I'm going to a party. My boobs and I are going to enjoy the shit out of every minute of today, Edward. It is Freedom Day for the three of us."

When I looked up at him, I saw a seriousness I didn't expect to see. I saw worry, but I couldn't imagine what he would be worried about. I was so damn positive everything would be fine. He always got a little spooked before I had tests or a mammogram, but I didn't expect it from him on that day, not on the day of THE mammogram.

He sat down next to me and gave me a kiss.

"Hey. You. I want you to promise to call me when you're finished, you hear me. I'll try to get away to meet you for some coffee or something, ok?"

"I promise I'll call as soon as I walk out of there. No worry now, Edward, it's going to be fine. I just know it."

"I know. I'm sorry; I don't mean to rain on your parade. I just get a little anxious about this. You know me."

"Yup, I know, my anxious, wonderful husband. That's why my boobs and I would like to invite you to a very special celebration tonight. It will be a small gathering - just the four of us - but we are certain you will enjoy it."

I finally got the smile I needed to see.

"I would love to spend the evening with you and those gorgeous breasts of yours. It's a date, Mrs. Cullen."

As he walked out of the room, he stopped and turned to look at me.

"I love you, Bella. You are my life. I hope you know that."

"Of course I do, Edward. And you are mine. Now go to work, and stop worrying. Everything is going to be fine."

I must have seemed like Little Miss Sunshine as I walked into the Breast Care Center that morning. I swear I was floating. My favorite receptionist checked me in, and she couldn't help noticing my cheerful mood.

"So, Bella, why so happy this morning?"

"It's the big mammo today, Jane. I love you all, but after today, you'll only be able to torture me once a year."

It made me a little sad. I'd come to know and love all the people who worked in the center and would truly miss them.

"Well, good for you! I hope you'll come in just to say hi once in a while, Bella. Your boobs are two of our favorites, you know," she said, laughing.

When I went back for the mammogram, everything went as expected until it didn't.

I remained calm as the doctor asked for magnified views. Happens all the time, I told myself.

I remained calm when they told me I had to have an ultrasound so the doctor could get a better look. They are just being cautious, I thought.

I remained calm when I walked into the nurse manager's office, and she told me the doctor saw three suspicious areas - one in my right breast and two in my left breast - and recommended an MRI because the ultrasound was inconclusive. It's probably nothing, she told me.

I remained calm as I called Edward and let him know it was over.

I remained calm as I lied to him when he met me for coffee and congratulated me. I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be alright, and I tried to tell him, I really did. I tried to make the words come out of my mouth, but I couldn't.

I remained calm as we had our celebration that night. I laughed as Edward thanked my breasts for behaving themselves. He was convinced I hated them because of the cancer and tried to make up for that by giving them lots of attention. I always told him he was wrong about that, but on that night, he was right - I did hate them.

I remained calm as I waited for the MRI appointment. I thought I was doing a decent job of it until Edward asked if I was okay. I told him I thought I was catching something and felt a little flu-ish. He didn't push me, but my husband knew something was wrong. He always knew.

I'll tell him tomorrow, I promised myself.

I remained calm when they called me with the results of the MRI and told me I would have to have three biopsies.

I remained calm as they cut into my breasts again.

And I remained calm as I slipped into the hospital to meet with the doctor. I had become pretty damn good at sneaking in and out of the hospital so Edward or someone we knew wouldn't see me.

Yup, I was a master at hiding from things I could not face, but not on this day.

I heard someone calling me and turned around. It was a nurse Edward worked with almost every day. She was laughing as she caught up to me.

"Hey, Bella! I see Edward told you about our secret door."

"Oh, hi, Tanya. Yeah, he let it slip one night."

"So, are you here to see that good looking husband of yours?"

"Uummm, yeah. I have…I'm going to a doctor's appointment and thought maybe I would kidnap him for a while afterwards."

I just wanted to get away from her.

"I have to run…sorry…I'm already late. Nice seeing you, Tanya," I told her as I ran into the elevator. Damn it, I thought after the door closed, I should have told her it was a surprise and not to tell Edward. I guess I wasn't as good at this sneaking around as I thought I was.

I opened the door to the oncologist's office and walked into my future.

"Bella, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but two of your biopsies are positive. You have breast cancer again."

She paused and waited for me to speak. I said nothing as my life changed again.

"The biopsies show you have invasive ductal and lobular breast cancer in your left breast."

Honest to God, I almost laughed. Not only did I have breast cancer again, but I had the added bonus of having another type of cancer. Fate comes to fuck with me again.

I said nothing.

"I know it must be upsetting to hear you have two types of breast cancer, which doesn't happen very often. The only difference between the two cancers is where they start. One starts in the lining of the milk ducts, and one starts in the lobules of the breast where breast milk is produced. The treatment is the same for both cancers. "

I think she was trying to make me feel better, but she didn't.

Still, I said nothing.

"You are extremely lucky. We found the cancer early again. That is something to be thankful for. Now comes the hard part, Bella. Unfortunately, the recommended treatment is a mastectomy - the removal of your left breast."

And with that, I finally had something to say.

"I want them both removed."

"Bella, you are young, so young, and I can't begin to know how you feel. I'm not telling you that you are right or wrong about this decision. I'm just asking you to take your time, think about it, discuss it with your surgeon, talk to your husband. You have every right to have both of your breasts removed, but please don't decide this now. Your right breast is clear. They do remarkable things with plastic surgery. I want you to know that removing both breasts is not necessary."

I didn't know much sitting in that chair in that office, but I did know what was necessary.

"No. You're wrong. It is necessary. I will not sit around and wait for a third diagnosis. This ends right here, right now."

When I left the office, all I wanted to do was run to Edward, but I didn't.

I couldn't.

Telling him would make this real, and I didn't want this to be real.

Nothing was real until I told Edward.

But there was no hiding from Edward or breast cancer. When I walked out of the elevator, I saw my husband leaning against the wall, waiting for me by the door.

He looked up when he heard my footsteps and didn't say a word until I stood in front of him. He was pissed.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Mrs. Cullen. Fancy meeting you…"

He stopped. He must have seen something in my face because he grabbed my hand.

"Come take a walk with me."

He kept looking over at me as we walked and kissed me after we sat down on a bench in a beautiful memorial garden.

"Okay, Bella. Talk."

So I talked... and it all became real.

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	18. Chapter 18

**_Chapter Eighteen. Now_**

**_Prince Edward_**_:__ Fear not, Giselle! I will rescue you!_

_From the movie Enchanted_

* * *

><p>"I just saw Bella on her way to the doctor. Hey, don't tell too many people about our secret door, okay?"<p>

Damn it.

"Tanya, I've got to run out for a bit. Ask Dr. Masen to cover for me, would you? Call me on my cell if you need me."

I ran downstairs, hoping I didn't miss Bella. I was determined to find out what was going on with her. She was shutting me out again, and it was driving me crazy and pissing me off. I thought we were way beyond this shit.

And there she was, walking down the hall, ready to sneak out of the hospital again without seeing me.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Mrs. Cullen. Fancy meeting you…"

I knew from the expression on her face.

I think I always knew we would be there again.

I looked around at the gray, dim hallway and knew it was not the place I wanted to hear what I knew I was going to hear. I took her to a bench under a beautiful oak tree, and I knew every time I passed that bench in the years to come, I would think about that moment.

I sat her down and kissed her beautiful mouth.

"Okay, Bella. Talk."

The more I heard, the more I fell apart. I was surrounded by cancer day after day in the hospital, but I wasn't a doctor sitting on that bench. I was just a man, a husband, who saw his greatest fear become more real with every word she spoke.

I grabbed her shoulders.

"Why, Bella? Why didn't you tell me?"

I knew I was scaring her.

"Edward, stop… baby, please calm down."

"No. Tell me. Tell me why, Bella."

I pulled her to me and held her close, as close as I possibly could without hurting her, as I asked the question I really needed the answer to.

"Why? Damn it, why…. why you?"

My beautiful Bella let me do what I needed to do and whispered to me as I held her. She whispered it was okay to cry, to be sad. She whispered how much she loved me. She whispered she would never leave me. She whispered she saw a long life for herself with me in our enchanted cottage, in our very own fairy tale. She was strong, so strong, she whispered, as long as she had me. She apologized for keeping it from me. She didn't mean to hurt me, she said. If she told me, it would become real, and she didn't want it to be real. It was a simple explanation, one I think I understood. I didn't want it to be real either.

We took some time to come to terms with the return of the breast cancer and all that it meant before we told anyone. We needed time to ourselves, time to accept what was real. I struggled those first days. I was angry at the unfairness of it all and wanted to strike out at something, anything. I felt useless, helpless. I wanted to save her, protect her, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do. The fact that I was doctor made it worse. I could have easily lost myself in that anger, but Bella's quiet courage and strength saved me from being consumed by it. Not once did she feel sorry for herself, not once did she get angry or ask why. She was sad sometimes and cried while I held her. She didn't cry for herself, though. She cried for me, for her mom and dad, for my family. We faced what was real together, but still, there were things we did not talk about, things we could not talk about, things Bella refused to talk about. She had an unwavering belief that she would have a long and happy life with me, and to her, there was no other possibility.

We talked about the mastectomy on the third day. It was the conversation I dreaded the most. Bella was so young and beautiful, and I wondered how she could ever come to terms with losing her breast. I had all the words of reassurance I thought she would need ready - that I would still desire her, always want her, and always find her beautiful.

"I want to have both of my breasts removed, Edward. I need this to be over."

She surprised me, but then again, Bella always surprised me. I thought she would be upset about losing one breast, and there she was ready to have the healthy breast removed.

"Bella, I'll support any decision you make, you know that, but are you sure? Really sure?"

"You know, it's funny. I always felt bad for the women who had to make this decision. I thought it had to be one of the hardest decisions for a woman to make, but now that I'm here, it's really not that hard, for me, anyway."

I didn't quite believe her. I thought she was trying to make this easier on me.

"Bella, please be honest. I can't believe this is so simple for you."

"I am being honest. Really. It's not that complicated. All I want to do is survive, and I will do whatever it takes to survive. They're just breasts, Edward. Yeah, they are really, really nice breasts if I do say so myself, but they are not worth my life. Maybe all of this would bother me more if I was single and alone, but I'm not. I don't even have to ask how you feel about this because I know how much you love me and how much you will always love me no matter what I look like. I'm not saying losing my breasts won't have any effect on me or that it won't be difficult, but I know this is the right decision."

She gave me a kiss and smiled.

"I can make this decision so easily because I have one truth, one certainty in my life. That truth and certainty is you."

She left me speechless. I was in awe of her fighting spirit, her determination, and the trust she had for me. What I thought would be the most difficult moment turned out to be the most beautiful, and it was a turning point for me. Knowing my love gave her strength reminded me that I wasn't useless, that I could make it better for her just by loving her and standing by her side.

After a week, we returned to real life and all that it involved - doctors, scheduling surgery, deciding on saline or silicone implants and what to have for dinner.

We did all we needed to do except one thing - tell our families. That was hard for Bella, almost as hard as telling me, and she kept putting it off. She didn't want to make anyone sad and didn't want anyone worrying about her. One day, she even suggested trying to get through the surgery and recovery without telling anyone. I told her that was a brilliant idea, and I was sure no one would ever notice she didn't have breasts. I regretted saying that as soon as the words came out of my mouth, thinking it would upset her, but she just laughed and said, "Yeah, it's probably not a very good plan."

It was so damn good to hear her laugh again.

We finally did work out a plan on what we would say and when we would say it that satisfied Bella. She wanted to be calm and optimistic and didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I thought that was going to be pretty impossible, but went along with her anyway. We thought we were ready for anything until her parents unexpectedly walked in the door on a rainy, cold Sunday afternoon, and the plan went to hell.

Renee kissed and hugged us both, laughing.

"Hey, guys. We were out for a drive and well, here we are. I hope we're not interrupting anything."

"Mom… Dad…"

Bella started crying. I knew she would.

Charlie looked at me. I think he got it right away.

Renee put her arms around Bella.

"Bella. Honey. What's…?"

She looked at her, and she knew.

"Oh, no… no.. oh, God…"

She almost collapsed. Charlie and I got her to the couch while Bella ran to get her a glass of water.

Charlie held Renee while she cried. I tried to think of something to say to them, something to ease their pain, but all I could do was stand there silently and let them feel their heartache. There wasn't much I could say. They too needed to accept what was real.

Bella knew what to do and what to say, though. She was calm as she knelt down in front of them and held their hands.

"Mom, Dad, I love you guys so much, and I'm so sorry I have to put you through this again. You have to listen to me, and you have to believe what I tell you. Yes, I have breast cancer again, but I don't want you to be scared. I'm not going anywhere, do you understand? I have way too much to live for, and I'm not going anywhere."

We talked all afternoon. The doctors found the cancer early again, she told them, and everything was on her side for a full recovery. Renee asked a lot of questions, especially about the mastectomies and reconstruction, but Charlie was unusually quiet, even for him. He just stared at his daughter, becoming more and more restless as the day went on.

"Hey, Edward, you have a beer in that kitchen of yours for this old man? I really think I need one."

I knew Charlie didn't need a beer - he needed truth.

We sat at the table and sipped the beers we really didn't want until he was ready to talk.

"Am I going to lose my little girl, Edward?"

I watched him fight back tears. Just asking the question was unbearable for him.

"Nothing is a hundred percent predictable with cancer, Charlie, you know that, but based on what the doctors have told us, no, we are not going to lose her."

I came close to crying also. Just answering the question was unbearable for me.

"I see Bella being strong and optimistic and acting like this will be a walk in the park. Level with me. How hard is this going to be on her?"

I could have lied, but I didn't. I owed Charlie the truth.

"Hard, harder than she realizes. It's one of the most invasive surgeries a woman can have. The surgery will knock her on her ass for weeks. She's never had major surgery and has no idea how horrible she'll feel. I tried to tell her, but she really won't talk about it. She just says she'll do fine and will figure it out when the time comes. She'll also have to have a few reconstruction surgeries, but they won't be as hard. And then there's the chemo."

He looked at me in surprise.

"Chemo? She didn't mention chemo."

"It's another thing she won't talk about. I'm not sure she will have chemo, but I think the oncologist will recommend it. We meet with her this week."

"Why won't she talk about all of this? Is she in some kind of denial? Does she need help?"

"No, she's not in denial. Most people who have never had major surgery just can't imagine how bad they'll feel afterward. And the chemo? She knows it's a possibility and has done research on it just like she's done on the surgery, but she says she is just not going to think about it or talk about it and waste the moments she has now. Your daughter is strong, Charlie, and she's not a complainer. She's just like her dad, I think."

He smiled for the first time that day.

"Yeah, I guess she is a lot like the old man. But I gotta tell you, Edward, I don't feel so strong tonight. Tonight… tonight, I just want to cry… for my daughter, for you, for all of us. I keep asking myself why, why her?"

"Shit, I've asked myself that a thousand times, and there is only one person who has answered that question for me."

"Bella?"

"Yeah. She just looks at me calmly and says, "Why not me, Edward?", and honest to God, I want to scream to the top of my lungs and ask her how she can be so serene, ask her why she isn't consumed with anger. I hate that she has to go through this… fuck… I don't even know how I'm ever going to walk through that hospital door with her. All I want to do is run, take her and keep her safe, and I can't…"

He gave me a few minutes to calm down. I was a little embarrassed that I was so upset in front of him.

"It's okay, Edward, I get it. I know you'll be strong for her in every way, but this is hard on you also. You call me, you hear, if you need anything - a beer, someone to talk to. We're a family. We'll get through this together."

He drank the rest of his beer and stood up.

"Ok, son, let's go do this."

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	19. Chapter 19

**_Chapter Nineteen. Now._**

_I've learned what I can control is whether I am going to live a day in fear and depression and panic, or whether I am going to attack the day and make it as good a day, as wonderful a day, as I can. - Gilda Radner_

* * *

><p>"Fuck!"<p>

We all looked at Esme in shock. No one had ever heard anything close to this come out of sweet Esme's mouth. I heard Charlie whisper "_Holy shit"_ to my mom and saw her elbow him in the side. Alice, Jasper, Rose and Emmett just looked at each other. I looked to Edward for some help, but he was just standing there with his mouth hanging open. This was supposed to be a relaxed dinner to tell Edward's family I had breast cancer again, and the one person we counted on for her strength and calmness just flipped out after we told them.

Carlisle took a step toward his wife.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?"

She looked at him like he was an idiot.

"Do I seem okay to you, Carlisle? No, as a matter of fact, I am not okay. I am very far from being okay. I'm so tired of being serene and calm about all of this breast cancer crap, and I can't do it anymore - not tonight, anyway."

She turned to look at Edward and me.

"I apologize to both of you for making a scene like this in your home, but I can't help it. I hate breast cancer. I hate it. When I look at Bella and think about all she will go through, my heart just breaks. Honestly, I can't bear the thought of this beautiful girl having breast cancer again. I am so angry and sad, and I don't know where to go with all of it."

She stood there literally shaking.

I waited for someone to speak, but no one seemed to know what to say. I decided to take a stab at it and walked over to her. I put my arm around her and said the first thing that popped in my head.

"You know it's ok to be sad and pissed off, right? And to say fuck?"

She didn't miss a beat. She smiled through her tears and said sweetly, "No, I didn't fucking know that, Bella."

It was Carlisle who said "_Holy shit"_ this time.

Esme hugged me, and we were laughing and crying. Everyone else was laughing and crying with us, throwing around a couple of fucks here and there, and we were back to being the crazy family I loved and adored.

Everything was back to normal, just the way I wanted it.

I didn't want sadness; there would be time for that. The reality of cancer would be with us all soon enough, and all I wanted at that moment was laughter and happiness. I knew they would worry and would be scared no matter what I said, but when they were with me, I wanted them to see I was okay, that I was living every moment I had to the fullest. It was important to me that they knew this.

Two down, one to go, I thought. I had one more person to talk to. She was the one person in my world who knew what this meant.

Angela and I were sitting outside on the deck when I told her.

She didn't say anything as she walked to the end of the deck and looked out at the yard. I knew she was crying.

When she was ready, she turned around to look at me.

"So does this mean you're going to get bigger tits than me just to piss me off?"

I laughed.

"Yup. And nicer nipples too."

It was her turn to laugh as she wiped away her tears.

"Come on, Cullen. We need margaritas, lots of margaritas."

She grabbed my hand as we walked into the house and told me she loved me. She didn't need to say anything else. She knew where I was going, and I knew she would be with me every step of the way. We understood each other, Angela and I.

By the time Edward came home, we were feeling no pain.

"Ladies. Enjoying the afternoon, I see," he said as he gave me a kiss.

Angela smiled and raised her glass.

"Living the dream, Edward, living the dream."

We looked at each other and dissolved into hysterical laughter.

"Aww, I love you, Ang. Cancer sure picked the wrong bitches to fuck with, didn't it?"

"I love you, too, Bella. Fuck cancer, that's what I say. Right, Edward? Fuck fucking cancer."

Edward was texting and didn't look up or say anything.

"Your hair looks so nice today, Ang. I love, love, love it."

She patted her head proudly.

"You think so? It damn well better look good. I paid my oncologist big bucks for this hair style."

I spit the sip of margarita I had in my mouth all over the table and started laughing.

Even after a few drinks, I knew Edward was not amused. He stood up and said he was going to get some pizza and pick up Ben so he could drive his drunk ass wife home. His words, not mine.

I didn't say anything after he left.

"He'll be okay, Bella. He's just having a rough time and doesn't see the humor in all of this. It's hard for them, kiddo; maybe harder than it is for us. Ben did the same thing when I started cracking my hilariously funny cancer jokes."

"I hope so, Ang. I have cancer, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. There's not a damn thing he can do about it. I know he's worried, and I know this cancer business is serious, but I just can't sit here and be sad and depressed and think about it all the time. What if I do die? I don't want to spend my last days, my last months, crying and cursing at the world."

I said it. Finally. The "_D_" word. I said it to the only person I could say it to, the only person who would understand, the only person I knew who had lived under death's shadow for the past three years.

It wasn't as frightening as I thought it would be.

"You're not going to die, you know that, right?"

Angela was serious and seemed completely sober.

"You can't know that, Angela. I honestly don't believe I will, but you never know…"

"I do know, Bella, believe me… and you're not there."

She had a faraway look in her eyes as she stared off into the distance. It made me uneasy, but I brushed it off and chalked it up to way too much tequila.

She looked at me and smiled.

"Come on. Let's make some coffee and sober up before the guys come back with the kids."

The kids came running in later, our husbands trailing behind them. Edward looked more relaxed and gave me a huge hug and kiss. He also hugged Angela and told her he loved her.

The next day, my husband came home wearing a t-shirt that said _'Screw you, cancer_' and brought me one that said _'Hey, Cancer, you picked the wrong bitch'_ and he touched my heart. He said he had a long talk with Ben the night before, and it helped. He wanted to apologize for being so crabby, but I asked him not to because it wasn't necessary. I knew how much he loved me. I would catch him looking at me sometimes, his eyes full of love, anger and fear, and I knew even the slightest possibility of losing me was torturing Edward as he tried to hold himself together and keep things normal, just the way I wanted it.

This was the hardest part for me - watching what the people who loved me went through, what the cancer did to them.

I had three weeks until my surgery. The wait kind of pissed me off because I wanted to get it over with, but coordinating the schedules of the general surgeon and the plastic surgeon was much more difficult than we thought it would be. I took that time to research the surgery on the internet and was almost sorry I did. It was a lot to take in, especially the after-surgery pictures. I would be in surgery for hours. The plastic surgeon would open me up, making sure he conserved my skin, and the general surgeon would remove the breast tissue. Once that was completed, the plastic surgeon would take over again, placing expanders that would stretch my skin later and sewing me up to try to make me look human again.

To say I was scared was an understatement. I decided not to think or worry about it until I had to, but then I was worried I was going into some weird denial and ended up talking to Angela about it. She said she did the same thing, but she was lucky enough to have a reference point to compare it to - pregnancy. She said she didn't really worry about labor or delivery either because she was already knocked up, and there wasn't a thing she could do about it. The kid was going to come out, that was inevitable, so why worry about the pain and her body being torn apart until she had to, she thought. Of course, her explanation was a little more graphic and descriptive. She had me laughing so damn hard, and I was thankful for having her in my life. She always made me feel better no matter what we were talking about, and I honestly didn't know what I would do without her.

I was still teaching and wasn't willing to stop until the day before my surgery. I wanted every minute I could possibly have with my kids. I told my co-workers at school right away so we could get past the tears, sadness and awkward moments. I made sure everyone knew I was okay, that everything would be okay, and after a few days, everything was back to normal, just the way I wanted it.

I went on a psycho cleaning spree. I told myself I wanted everything to be clean and organized so I didn't have to worry about anything while I was recovering, but the truth was I needed to keep busy, to keep moving. I guess Edward and the rest of the family needed the same thing because they all pitched in. We had to buy a freezer to hold all the food Mom, Esme, Alice and Rose cooked for us. Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle and my dad helped Edward catch up on the yard work and any project or repair that needed to be done. They even talked about remodeling a bathroom one night until I told them they were crazy and needed to go home. I actually started getting nervous when we ran out of things to cook, clean, repair or organize, but, by that time, we were all exhausted and ready for a rest.

Things weren't quite normal, but they were normal enough, just the way I wanted it.

And when all the kids were taught, when all the patients were stitched up and put back together, when the cleaning was done and the repairs completed, after everyone went home, and all was quiet and peaceful, Edward and I had each other. We made love, of course. Slow, beautiful love. We listened to music. We watched old movies and_ Enchanted_. We didn't talk about cancer, surgery or pain; we both knew only too well what was to come. Instead, we talked about the places we wanted to see, the food we wanted to eat and the cars we wanted to drive. I laughed when Edward said he wanted a Volvo. Who the hell wants a Volvo, I asked? Sometimes we just laid there, holding each other without saying a word, just enjoying being next to one another.

On that last night, the night before my surgery, neither one of us could sleep. We sat outside all night surrounded by candles and covered with blankets. It was a clear night, a beautiful night, and it seemed like there were a million stars shining down on us. We held each other and talked. Edward sang his favorite _Enchanted_ song to me. He even lit a few sparklers we had left over from our wedding. Edward just loved those sparklers. I imagine we whispered the same things any two people in love would on a night like that, and we made sure nothing was left unsaid. We watched the sun come up, and I told Edward not to worry, that I had many beautiful sunrises to look forward to in my future.

When I was getting dressed for the hospital, I looked at the bra I was getting ready to put on and thought, "_Well, this is silly. Why bother?"_ It was just a bra, a stupid bra, but it made everything too real for me. I broke down and cried as I threw all my bras away in a rage and wondered if anything would ever be normal again. It was the first time I felt sorry for myself since I found out I had breast cancer again, the first time I cursed fate for doing this to me.

It was the first time I asked,"Why me?"

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	20. Chapter 20

**_Chapter Twenty. Now._**

_**Giselle**: No, I mean how do I look?_

_**Robert:** You look beautiful._

_From the movie Enchanted_

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><p>In the first hour, I saw them moving Bella to the operating table. She was groggy, but still aware enough to look around at all the equipment, lights, scalpels, and doctors and nurses. She was scared. I saw them attach her to the monitors and saw the anesthesiologist place the mask over her face. I saw the breathing tube go down her throat. I saw them take her gown off and draw lines on her body. I saw them cut into her.<p>

I always thought being a doctor was a blessing, an honor, but on that day, it was a curse. Nothing I learned in medical school or in the hospital prepared me to deal with my own wife's surgery. I could picture everything that was going on in that room, everything they were doing to Bella. I knew both surgeons and knew she was in good hands; they were the best we had in the hospital. I knew her plastic surgeon to be a man who had a special place in his heart for his breast cancer patients. He did the usual breast enhancements and facelifts, but reconstructing a woman whose body had faced the ravage of breast cancer, putting her back together again, was what he was dedicated to - it was his passion. I knew he would take care of my wife, that he would do anything in his power to make her whole again or at least as whole as he could. I knew all this, but still, all I wanted to do was run into that operating room to make sure she was okay, hold her hand, and whisper how much I loved her.

Bella, her face, her eyes, swirled in my mind.

I saw her face when I found her crying and throwing all her bras in the trash. She was angry and resentful, and it was tragic to see what the cancer was doing to her. I felt helpless and inadequate as she asked the question I could not answer… "W_hy me, Edward, why me_?" I couldn't give Bella the answer she always gave me because it was all kinds of bullshit to me at that moment, at any moment, so I just held her and hoped we would both find an answer we could live with one day. I saw her hands shaking as she took Valium on the way to the hospital. I saw her soul soothed as she wrapped herself in the love from the people waiting for her at the hospital. I saw her face when she told me she loved me and not to worry, that everything was going to be okay, and she would be back soon. I saw her strength and courage as she told the nurse it was okay to take her, that she was ready.

I saw other faces also. I saw the agony on her parents' faces when they had to let go of their precious daughter. I saw the sadness in my father's face and the anger that still remained unresolved in my mother's face. I saw my sister trying to be upbeat and not cry, and my brother lift up Bella to give her one of his famous hugs and show his obvious reluctance to let her go. I saw Rose look uncomfortable with the overwhelming emotions she felt as she told Bella she loved her, and I saw Jasper look at her with admiration for facing this battle with such courage and grace. I saw memories in the faces of Bella's breast cancer family and understanding in Ben's face when he looked at me because he knew what I felt - he had already been where I was. But it was Angela's face I would never forget as she watched Bella walk away. She was just weary, so weary, from breast cancer, tired of the suffering and the devastation it brought. For the first time since I'd known her, her spirit seemed defeated.

In the second hour, a nurse came out to tell us Bella was doing fine, and everything was going as expected. It brought us some comfort, but not enough.

I sat in the cafeteria with my dad and Ben in the third hour, pushing around food they insisted on getting me that I didn't want.

The nurse came again in the fourth hour to tell us again that she was doing fine, and everything was going as expected. I stared out the window.

During the fifth hour, Renee started crying. She cried as hard as I'd ever seen anyone cry. I left it to other people to comfort her, though. I could not. I had nothing to say to anyone, not until I saw Bella.

The sixth hour went on forever. The nurse came again to tell us Bella was doing fine. The plastic surgeon still had two or three hours of work to do, she said. Charlie and I took a walk. Neither one of us expected the other to talk, and we were both grateful for that.

The surgeon came in the seventh hour to tell us her lymph nodes were clear, that the cancer did not spread, and I saw joy in everyone's face. I went into the men's room and threw up.

Everyone was anxious and restless the eighth hour, ready for this to be over.

They let me go into the recovery room at the end of the ninth hour. Family members usually weren't allowed to do this, but being a doctor did offer one blessing that day. She wasn't awake yet, they said, but I could see her if I wanted to.

I ran to her.

She looked small and vulnerable and helpless laying there, and it was agonizing to see her like that.

I gave her a kiss and whispered, "I love you." in her ear. I was going to sneak away and let her sleep when she opened her eyes.

It took a few minutes for her to clear her head enough to see me. I knew l would never forget her face when she finally saw me. She was happy. In spite of all the pain she was in, all that she had been through, she was happy.

I stroked her hair and kissed her sweet face.

"Hey, baby. I love you."

She tried to talk, but couldn't.

"How about some ice chips, love? It will make your throat feel better. Open up your mouth just a bit for me, okay?"

Her eyes stayed on my face. She looked so unbelievably grateful as I spooned those ice chips into her mouth and even gave me a little smile.

"There. That's better, isn't it?"

She nodded yes and tried to whisper "I love you" to me.

"You're beautiful."

She shook her head no.

"Well, you are. Believe me, baby, your husband is the expert on these things."

She shook her head no again and tried to talk.

"Bella, baby, slow down, relax. You don't have to talk now. There will be plenty of time for that. Just rest, okay?"

I knew I was overstaying my welcome in the recovery room and told her I had to leave. She shook her head no.

"It's just for a little while. The nurses have to take care of you now. When they're done, you'll be transferred to your own room, and I'll be with you every minute. I won't leave you for a second. I promise."

She was sad.

"Don't be sad. Please. Just hang on for a little bit longer, and I'll be with you before you know it. You are my life. Remember that. We'll get through this together."

I gave her a kiss and a smile and went out into the hallway and cried.

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><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	21. Chapter 21

**_Chapter Twenty One. Now._**

_You will adjust. You will learn to live with whatever you are left with__. - Gilda Radner_

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><p>Everything was so familiar. I didn't understand why because I knew I had never been there before. I saw colors and shapes, memories and the future, and faces I knew and faces I didn't. I would not remember all that I saw, but yet, it would remain somewhere in the back of my mind, as clear and as vivid as any memory I had.<p>

I heard the whispering then and fought to get to that place, to the place I heard the whispering.

I felt my eyes open, but I did not see.

I tried to lift the fog I was caught it in, push it aside, and it took a long, long time. Forever, it seemed to me.

And then I saw what I desperately needed to see.

Edward.

It was just about the happiest moment of my life.

I would not remember anything else from my time in the recovery room, but I would always remember that.

The next time I woke up, I saw my Mom standing next to my bed, crying. It made me sad, and I wanted to tell her I was alright, that I loved her, but I didn't have a voice.

When I woke up again, I was in a bed I did not know. I was surrounded by white and realized it was pillows and blankets pulled tightly around me, trapping me. I threw them aside to get free. I wanted to sit up. If I could just sit up, I knew I would be better, and I was terrified when I couldn't. It was such a simple thing, and it's what I wanted to do. I didn't know why I wanted to sit up - I just did. A voice I didn't know told me to stop, to relax, to be still. Another voice I didn't know told me to lay down and go back to sleep. They held me down, and I hated them and fought to get their hands off me no matter how much it hurt.

I heard other voices, familiar voices, voices I loved. They were sad, and I cried and wanted to tell them I was sorry for making them so sad.

There was another voice then, an angry voice. I knew that voice would help me.

"Enough, damn it. Stop. Don't do that to her."

I heard one of the voices I hated say, "This is for her own good. You need to calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down. Are you fucking stupid? Can't you see what she needs? She needs to know she can do this, that she still has some control, any control, over her body, her life, over anything. So you either sit her up right now, or I'll do it myself."

My head cleared as they sat me up. The pain was excruciating, beyond excruciating, but I didn't care - it was worth it. I couldn't sit up for very long, maybe a minute, but it was long enough for me to find a piece of myself to hang on to in the midst of the cancer, the bandages and the pain.

I looked at the person who spoke for me when I could not, the only person who could know what I needed, and whispered, "Thank you." Angela winked at me and smiled. She knew I was thanking her for loving me and for being my voice when I had none. We understood each other, Angela and I.

Later, I opened up my eyes to a quiet, dimly lit room. I saw Edward sleeping on a cot, and it comforted my heart. I was more alert. I knew who I was, where I was, and why I was there. I also knew I felt like I had been run over by a truck. Holy mother of fuck, it was unbelievable, I was hit with pain that was beyond description just breathing. My chest muscles were completely useless, and I couldn't sit up or turn my body at all. It was a little scary for me. I expected to hurt, but I never imagined I'd be so helpless, so weak.

I slept again. I didn't know how long; I had no concept of time. When I woke up, my husband was sitting in a chair next to the bed, reading and drinking a cup of coffee.

I turned my head to look at him.

"How are you doing, baby?"

I didn't tell him about the pain. I only had one thing on my mind.

"I'm starving, Edward."

He was thrilled. It was so cute. You'd think I just ran ten marathons in ten days and won them all.

"Well, that's a good sign, Mrs. Cullen. Let's call the nurse and see what we can do about this, okay?"

We heard the nurse open the door a few minutes later.

"I haven't met this nurse yet. They changed shifts a few…"

Edward stopped talking as Jake walked in.

Yup, Jake, the ex-asshole roommate, was my nurse.

As crappy as I felt, I laughed. Fate comes to fuck with me again.

Edward was not happy even though they had parted on good terms a few weeks before. Even Jake looked uncomfortable.

"Bella, Edward…"

"Jake. I didn't know you worked here."

"Umm, yeah. Just transferred here last week."

No one said anything until Jake remembered why we were there, why he was there.

"Bella, I am so, so sorry you have to go through this."

Edward and I just stared at him.

"Stop, you two. We're going to do just fine together. I'll take great care of Bella, Edward, don't you worry. I'm one hell of a nurse if I do say so myself. And I hear you're one hell of a patient, Bella. Is it true you tried to take down a couple of nurses? Still feisty, I see."

He laughed, and I cringed, remembering the scene I caused. The one thing I wished I didn't remember was the one thing burned into my mind. I felt bad I worried everyone and didn't wake up with more dignity instead of waking up like a raving maniac. It was a moment I would always remember and always regret.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Bella, it happens more than you can imagine. Just don't try to knock my teeth out, okay? Alright, guys. Let's get this show on the road. I need to check you over and look at your incisions."

"Jake, can it wait? She's starving."

"Sorry, doc. Nurse things first, then food."

Jake checked my vitals and did all the other things nurses do. It was still hard to believe this guy was taking care of me, but he was nothing but professional, and I relaxed and accepted my crappy fate. Edward, however, was not there yet.

When it was time for him to check my incisions, Edward looked at me. We had promised each other we would look at my chest alone, in private, and his look told me he still wanted to keep that promise. He looked out the window while I closed my eyes.

I was embarrassed as Jake opened my gown, and he squeezed my hand.

"It's okay, Bella. Relax. It won't take long, I promise."

When he was finished, he asked who my plastic surgeon was.

Edward turned around as he answered and looked at Jake.

"Dr. Beirs. Why are you asking? Is something wrong?"

"No. No, nothing like that. I have to tell you, Edward, this guy did a beautiful job on Bella. I've taken care of a lot of mastectomy patients, but I've never seen work like this. The man is brilliant. I think you both are going to be surprised."

Jake had a huge smile on his face. He was happy, truly happy for me and at that moment, Edward let him back into his world.

When my food came, Jake said he was going to sit me up so I wouldn't choke because it was just too much of a pain in the ass to have to fill out the paperwork for a patient dying on his watch. Jake was amusing, I had to give him that. Even Edward laughed at that one. It was interesting to watch him and compare him to the guy I knew years before. He was cheerful, but it wasn't that phony kind of cheerful some people have. The man was definitely happy with himself, with the world, and absolutely loved what he did. I had the feeling my luck might have changed when Jake walked through my door.

Jake raised the bed slowly, and I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. I kept my eyes on Edward. I knew I could get through anything as long as I could see him, as long as he was with me. What I didn't expect was the pain in his eyes as he watched me. I'd never seen Edward so sad.

He shook it off, though, as he watched me literally stuff that food in my face. It was definitely the best ham sandwich I would ever have in my life, and he enjoyed the shit out of watching me eat it.

An hour later, Jake walked into the room, pushing some kind of machine.

"I come bearing gifts, my friends. A morphine pump."

"Morphine? Oh, Jake, I don't know…"

"We have to get your pain controlled, Bella. Edward and I both saw what you went through when you sat up. Believe me, you need this."

He looked at Edward to give him some support.

"He's right, Bella. This is the best thing for you right now. I know you, baby. You're going to love it."

I did. It was a godsend and helped greatly with my pain, especially when Edward and Jake got me up for a walk after I slept for a couple of hours.

"We're going to do _what?"_

"We are going to take a walk, Bella. Nothing will help you heal and regain your strength as much as walking. We need to get your body going, get your systems in gear."

"You are fucking nuts. Tell him, Edward… tell him he's fucking nuts. My husband thinks you're fucking nuts, Jake, and he won't let you do this so go away."

They both laughed. I was kind of high.

"He's right again, Bella. Come on now…. let's do this."

I knew I was losing the battle so I gave myself another shot of morphine, and off we went - me in my hospital gown and the ridiculous booty slippers they made me wear, Edward on one side, and Jake on the other side pushing the IV pole in front of him. We didn't go far, and it exhausted me, but I had to admit it felt good to be out of bed, to be walking, to be moving forward.

Before our families came, after Jake pulled out the catheter and almost got punched in the face, after I took another walk, made it all the way down the hall and felt like I could conquer the world, Edward and I went to the mirror.

I took a deep breath and took off my hospital gown. I didn't hesitate. I had been dreading that moment for weeks and wanted it to be over.

Jake was right. I was surprised.

What I saw was not ugly or revolting as I thought it would be. I was not hideously deformed or repulsive.

I had two long incisions where my breasts were going lengthwise down my chest. I didn't have breasts, but I had a shape, the faint beginnings of breasts, due to the expanders that the doctor had already filled with saline.

It was as if I was a blank canvas, waiting to be created.

I turned to show Edward what was left of me, what the cancer did not take.

He put his hands on my chest, very softly, barely touching me, and told me without speaking a word how much he loved me, how beautiful I would always be to him, and it was enough. I put my hands over his and smiled. I would always carry the scars of breast cancer and would never be the same, but I was alive and standing there next to him, surrounded by his love.

I no longer asked, "Why me?"

I knew - without a doubt - I was the luckiest person in the world.

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><p>It was my sister who spoke for me...<p>

Thank you for reading! xoxoxo


	22. Chapter 22

**_Chapter Twenty Two. Now_**

_Prince Edward__: Thank you for taking care of my bride, peasants._

_From the movie Enchanted_

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><p>I sat in a chair in the corner of the room and watched Bella and the people who loved her. I was taking a step back. I had my time with her, and they needed theirs. I was content in that corner, just watching her and making sure she was safe.<p>

I watched them take care of her. I watched as our moms changed her pillowcases and fluffed up her pillows, as they got her new blankets and straightened out her bed. I watched as Rose gently brushed her hair and Alice put cream on her face and gloss on her chapped lips. I watched as Jasper went down to the gift shop to buy her some magazines. I watched Ben go to find her some tea. I watched Angela, her spirit lifted once again when she realized Bella needed her, that she was her voice when no one else understood, entertain her with funny stories and stupid cancer jokes I still didn't find very funny even though I tried. I watched Emmett lovingly help her out of bed, and I watched Charlie and my dad proudly take her for a walk, one on each side, ready to catch her if she fell.

There was so much love and relief in that room. It was like everyone could breathe again.

I watched her as she enjoyed every moment. Normally, she didn't like to be fussed over, but on that day, she was enjoying all the attention. I thought maybe it was the morphine, but as I watched her, I realized she knew exactly what she was doing. She looked satisfied and made sure they all helped her in some way because she knew that is what they needed. They couldn't do anything about her getting cancer, but they sure as hell could help her recover from it.

I watched her close her eyes tightly, take a deep breath, and blow it out slowly. She was still in a lot of pain, and I wanted to tell her to slow down, to rest, but I knew Bella being Bella wouldn't listen. She was too busy trying to give everyone else what they needed.

I watched Charlie look at me and walk over after he and my dad had Bella settled back into her bed.

"Hey."

In Charlie-speak, I knew he wanted to know how I was.

"I'm fine, Charlie, don't worry."

"Are you sure? How come you don't look so fine?"

"I'm sure. As long as she's good, I'm good."

"She is good, isn't she?"

"She is. She's amazing."

He looked uncomfortable as he asked, "Has she looked at…you know…herself yet?"

"Yes, this morning."

"And?"

"I have to tell you, we both were shocked…."

He looked at her and whispered, "Damn this cancer."

"No, Charlie, no..we were shocked in a good way. The plastic surgeon did a beautiful job on her."

"She was happy then?"

"Happy? God, I don't know. Can anyone be happy about something like this? I know she was happy that she will look much better than she ever thought she would. I know she's happy to be alive. So, yeah, I guess she is happy. "

"And you? What do you think?"

I didn't hesitate as I said, "I think she's beautiful."

I smiled as the memory of the morning wrapped around me.

I watched her as she walked to the mirror, taking a deep breath as she faced what was real. She was scared, and I was scared for her. I knew she would be beautiful to me no matter what, but I didn't want her to hate herself, to be disgusted and repulsed every time she saw herself - she was too damn wonderful for that. I watched her hands shake as she took off her gown. I watched her face as she saw herself for the first time, and I saw a hint of surprise, of relief. She was almost like a baby seeing their image in a mirror for the first time, thinking it wasn't real, but too curious and fascinated to look away. She stared for a while before she turned to face me. She was so vulnerable, so exposed as she stood there, and the beauty of her and the love and trust she had for me took my breath away. I couldn't speak. I was too overwhelmed by her, by all that she was, and the love I had for her. I put my hands on her, softly, so I wouldn't hurt her, hoping she would know what I could not say. She didn't pull my hands away as I thought she might. She just looked at them, taking it all in. And when she smiled and put her hands on mine, when I saw her accept the scars that had become a part of her, it was the most honest, intimate and poignant moment I'd ever had in my life.

I watched her as she talked to her mom. Bella was at peace with herself.

I watched her later as she opened her gown while the guys were gone because she knew the women in the family were crazy with worry and needed to see her. She told them she was a work of art, waiting to be completed, but I knew what she was really telling them was, "Don't be sad or feel sorry for me. This is what breast cancer is, like it or not, but I'm alive and here with you, and that's all that matters." I watched her spirit lift them up. Her mom cried and told her she was beautiful. My mom seemed to let go of some of the anger she still carried with her. Rose and Alice looked relieved, and Angela looked comforted as she saw the hope in Bella's face.

I watched Bella smile as she helped the people who loved her accept what was real.

I watched Bella try to apologize for the crazy way she woke up, and I watched Charlie tell her never to apologize for who you are even if who you are means you have to be a little crazy sometimes.

I watched Angela try to apologize to the nurses she almost hit when Bella woke up, and I watched Charlie tell her never to apologize for speaking for someone you love when they can't, especially his daughter.

I watched Jake come in when his shift started, win everyone over in about ten minutes, and resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to get rid of him since he was now a part of the damn family according to my mother. I watched him grin at me and call me brother and almost decked him. I admit I liked him better, but not that much.

I watched my dad look at me in shock as I angrily told him, "No!" when he suggested I get out of the room for a while to take a walk or get something to eat.

I watched Ben look at me with understanding.

I watched Bella hesitate and then smile and say she would be fine when Ben asked if she would be okay for a few minutes while he took a walk with her husband.

I watched the others look at me with concern as Ben had to practically drag me out of that room.

I watched him look at me a couple of times before he started talking.

"I did the same thing the day after Angela's surgery, you know."

"Oh, yeah? And what's that, Ben?"

"I was so thrilled that day, watching her smile and walking and healing. What I didn't expect was my need to protect her, to stay with her once I had her back. I wouldn't leave her, not for a second, and constantly watched her. I drove myself crazy, and I think I drove her crazy also."

"You were just making sure she was okay. I think that's a natural reaction after what she'd been through."

"It's more than that, Edward, and you know it. I've talked to other men, and many of them went through the same thing. None of us could figure out why it hit us after the surgery, but it did, and the same thing is hitting you. Maybe we just put it into the back of our minds in the days leading up to surgery because we had to be strong for them, and the thought would have crippled us if we faced it. "

He was getting too close to my truth. I didn't want to talk; I just wanted to get back to Bella.

"Look, I don't feel like talking, okay? Can we just get back inside?"

He was so determined and kept pushing.

"You're not going to be any good for Bella until you're honest with yourself, Edward, until you face this."

"Fuck. Ok, Ben, what is this thing I need to face?"

"Your fear of Bella dying."

And there it was. He said what I couldn't.

We walked for a few minutes in silence.

"I don't know how to face that, Ben. It hit me all at once - losing her, being without her. I drove myself crazy sitting in that chair, thinking about that one cancer cell that slipped through, that they didn't detect… that one fucking cell that will multiply and invade her body, that will destroy her and take her away from me. I'm a doctor. I know how easily that can happen, and it scares the hell out of me. Please. Tell me how to live with that, Ben, because right now I can't."

"It's a possibility… you know that… and you have to find a way to live with that possibility. I watched you today, Edward. You weren't there for Bella, for yourself, for anyone. You didn't even notice how worried she was about you all day. You have one foot in the horrible future you are imagining, and you're pissing on today."

We had somehow ended up under that same tree where Bella told me she had that cancer again, on that same bench.

"Everyone has to find their own answers, Edward… their own way to get through the day and live with this. I can't…"

He hesitated before he spoke again.

"They found more cancer. We found out the day before Bella's surgery. I'm terrified. I don't know what the future will bring, but I have Angela today, and that's what keeps me going. I refuse to waste any time thinking about her dying, not when she needs me. Bella needs you just as much so I am telling you now, my friend… get your head out of your ass, and figure it out. Enough with the brooding. Don't let the fear of losing her make you unavailable to her while she's still alive. Don't waste time like that. Love her, laugh with her, be there for her and hang on to every precious moment. Believe me, you will regret it if you don't."

It all made sense to me then - his need to get through to me and Angela's weariness the day before.

He didn't mean to tell me, he said, because Angela didn't want Bella to know. He told me maybe he needed to talk as much as he thought I did, maybe more. He said Angela was ready to give up, that she was just so tired of fighting and couldn't do it again, but he saw her come to life when she stood up for Bella, and he was never so grateful for someone completely flipping their shit.

They needed each other so damn much, we agreed, and it made us smile.

We sat for a long time in that place where sadness seemed to belong and talked about the women we loved. I cried for Angela, and he told me not to. Now is not the time to cry, he said. Maybe later, but not now. Now, he told me, we have to get back to our wives.

I thanked Ben on the walk back to the hospital, and he smiled as he watched me pull my head out of my ass.

When we walked back into Bella's room, I saw his sadness replaced with joy when he saw Angela, when he kissed her and whispered something in her ear to make her laugh. He just loved to hear her laugh.

I smiled and leaned over to kiss Bella.

"Well, hello there, Mrs. Cullen. I missed you."

I could see the relief in her eyes as she said, "Welcome back, baby, welcome back."

She looked so happy, and I swore I would never fail her again. That corner no longer called to me, and I spent the rest of the day with my wife and my family.

Dr. Biers, Bella's plastic surgeon, came in to check on her late in the afternoon.

The empathy and compassion he had for her just blew me away, and I hoped I could be half the doctor he was someday. I was ready to hug the guy and give him everything I owned to repay him in some way for what he did for Bella. I swear he almost cried as she thanked him for making her journey a little bit easier. Then she added that she knew he would give her the nicest tits ever which was something Bella would never say to someone she hardly knew unless…

I looked at her and realized she was as high as a fucking kite. She must have been in more pain that I thought and hitting that morphine hot and heavy without me noticing after I stopped watching her like a hawk.

He told us everything looked great, and there was no sign of infection. He wanted her skin to settle down for a couple of months before he started reconstruction. He explained the expansion process and the surgeries to place the implants. He described how he would shape new areolas and nipples from her own skin a few months after her implants were in, stitch them on, and tattoo in the color later. I heard Charlie groan. Poor guy - it was a little too much information for him.

That's when Bella asked about something that had been bothering her since she looked at herself.

"Hey, Dr. Biers, did you forget to cut off some skin? What's the deal with that?"

"You mean the skin on your right side?"

"Yes, the skin that's kind of hanging down…"

"Well, that is your nipples, Bella."

Honest to God, the look on her face would have been the funniest fucking thing I'd ever seen if she wasn't so confused. I could see the wheels of her drugged brain turning, trying to figure that out.

She looked at him very seriously and asked, "So my nipples are going to be on the side of my breast?"

He thought she was kidding and decided to go along with her.

"Yes, Bella," he said. "This is a new trend in reconstructive surgery."

She frowned, thinking about this new development.

"Well…sure…okay. I guess that's alright if that's what you recommend. I think that will look very nice."

My dad stepped in before I could.

"Riley, Bella is…ummm…a little medicated, and I think she might be taking this seriously."

"Oh, wow…jeez…I didn't realize. No, Bella, no. I left that skin there to use when I create your nipples. Of course your nipples are not going to go on the side of your breast. They go where they always have been…for centuries…for thousands of years…"

She gave herself another shot of morphine, patted his hand, and told him, "It's okay, doc, you can put them wherever the hell you want to," right before she fell asleep.

Everyone had tried not to laugh, but once she was asleep, we couldn't help ourselves, including the doctor.

Angela laughed the hardest.

I watched Ben as he laughed with her, as he burned her joyful and carefree laughter forever into his memory, and I wrapped my arms around both of them.

These were the moments that counted.

These were the moments we would cherish as time went by.

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	23. Chapter 23

**_Chapter Twenty Three. Now._**

_What would make you feel not afraid? If someone could for sure tell me that everything would be okay - Gilda Radner (found in a notebook by her husband)_

* * *

><p>I glared at Edward.<p>

He was pretending to read a magazine.

Cosmopolitan.

He knew not to look at me, much less talk to me.

The doctor's assistant came into the waiting room. Unfortunately, she didn't know not to look at me, much less talk to me.

"Hi, Bella. Sorry, but we're running a little behind. You don't mind waiting for a few minutes, do you?"

Was she fucking kidding?

"Guess what, whatever your name is. I feel like shit so yeah, I do mind waiting."

She was surprised. I knew who she was, and I was usually nice.

I was being a bitch.

I knew it.

I didn't give a shit.

This seems to be the way it is when you're in pain, relentless pain from the time you wake up until you manage to drug yourself enough to sleep. It takes over your life, your every thought, and whoever you were vanishes. Hope vanishes.

*******************************.**

My last day and night in the hospital were as good as they possibly could be under the circumstances.

My chest muscles were still useless and sitting up by myself or moving very much was extremely painful. I learned to love my hard as a rock, uncomfortable hospital bed and used it to my advantage. I could sit myself up by raising the head of the bed and if I was really energetic once I was sitting up, I could turn myself very slowly, sit on the side of the bed, and stand myself up. It doesn't sound like much, but it was a huge accomplishment. I did a lot of walking because that's when I felt the best, and I had that lovely morphine to get me through it all.

I was hopeful and encouraged. Who wouldn't be? I was stronger and felt better - not great, but better - and I was surrounded by the most loving people in the world. Honestly, everyone was tripping over each other trying to help me and make me comfortable. They finally could do something for me, and that made them happy.

And then there was Edward. I don't think I'll ever be able to put into words what it was like to have him by my side. His very presence gave me strength. He knew just what to say to comfort me when I felt overwhelmed and calm me down when I was frustrated. I felt loved and protected, even on the morning he seemed so far away, when he seemed to have the weight of the world on him. Even then, every time I looked at him, he was watching over me. But it would be the unadulterated love in his eyes as I stood before him, revealing what was left of me, that I would most remember. I know I will never see anyone so touched, so moved by a moment. I felt like I had reached into his heart.

I was unbelievably happy to be home, to be in my own house, surrounded by all the people and things I loved. I went outside and looked at our trees and backyard and just breathed in the fresh air. I walked through all the rooms, touching things, looking at the pictures we had everywhere, smiling at the happy memories. I knew it was kind of silly, but I felt like I had been away a long time, a lifetime.

I saved our bedroom for last. Out of all the rooms in the house, that room was us, Edward and I. It was where he asked me to marry him, where we had our most wonderful, memorable times, and our very worst times as we tried to come to terms with the cancer. I thought about the last time I was in there on the morning of my surgery and how angry and resentful I was. I was better, I knew that. I had cancer and lost something along the way, but God, I still had so much left, so much to be thankful for.

The person I was most thankful for came looking for me as I was putting the bras I threw away back in my dresser.

Edward was upset when he saw what I was doing.

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry. I meant to get rid of those."

"No, it's okay now, Edward, really. I'm going to save them. Maybe, someday, I can…"

Edward grabbed my hand.

"Hey, Bella. It doesn't matter. You know that, right? You're just as beautiful to me as you were last week, and you always will be."

"I know it doesn't, but… don't you remember when I wore this black lace bra with that little short skirt and those high heels you think are so sexy? Remember how much you loved that? How crazy you got? Do you honestly think we are not going there again? When I remember all the things you did to me…"

He kissed my hand and smiled.

"Do you know how much I love you, Mrs. Cullen? Your spirit just lifts me up and keeps me going."

He picked up the bra and looked at it.

"Damn… just thinking about that night. Yeah, we definitely keep the bras."

I laughed. Edward and I could find hope in the strangest things.

*******************************.**

In the beginning, I tried to be who I wanted to be - the hopeful one, the brave one, the warrior, the one who doesn't complain or make any demands and had a smile on her face no matter what. Once again, I was determined to not let breast cancer get the best of me or take over my life. I was in control, I thought, not the damn cancer.

It didn't last long.

My pain got worse, not better. The doctor told me it was due to the nerves reconnecting, and it would pass. He told me to have patience, and I did. That's what warriors do, I thought.

As the days went by, I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was normal pain or some kind of horrible side effect from the surgery that would never heal. It felt like I had a bra inside of me made of bungee cords covered with sand paper wrapped around me. There was no relief from it. Every time I moved, every time I talked, I felt that sand paper rubbing against me while the bungee cords got tighter and tighter. Just breathing was torture.

I talked to Angela and my breast cancer ladies and felt worse when they told me they hadn't experienced anything like I described.

Weeks went by. I popped pain pills like candy. They didn't help very much with the pain, but they at least knocked me out. The couch became my new home, and I slept or watched TV most of the time. I watched mindless crap - reality shows mostly, full of stupid people who were never satisfied with what they had and only worried about their image and their next botox treatment. Enchanted sat on the shelf. I was too miserable to believe in fate, love and magical moments.

Edward took some off to spend with me, and I ended up begging him to go back to work because I put that man through hell. One minute I was crying, "_I'm in pain. I need you."_ and the next I was pushing him away and yelling, "_I'm in pain. Get away." _He never complained even though I saw it was overwhelming for him at times. Edward always wanted to fix things for me, save me from any pain, and when he couldn't, it drove him crazy. I wanted to tell him everything would be alright, but I honestly didn't know if it would be.

I told everyone to stay home, that I didn't want any visitors. I knew it hurt them, but I couldn't stand being around people and had nothing to say except how crappy I felt. I also didn't want to lash out at any of them more than I already had. Sometimes they came anyway, but I pretended to be too drugged up to talk. I just wanted to be left alone in my miserable existence.

I was resentful, depressed and so scared that I would never be the same again, that my life as I knew it was over. I had no control over anything, and I was so fucking angry that breast cancer was beating the shit out of me both physically and emotionally.

All of this led me to the doctor's office again, seeking hope where I thought I would find it.

The assistant led us back to an exam room. No one said a word. Edward and I waited in silence, and you could cut the tension with a knife.

Dr. Biers came in smiling.

"Bella, Edward, nice to see you. How are you doing, Bella?"

I wanted to say, "_'How the fuck do you think I am? Look what you did to me, you butcher."_ but I didn't.

Instead, I broke down. I cried. God, I cried. It all came pouring out - my fear, my anger, my exhaustion and my helplessness - as I described the pain. It had a name, he said – Post Mastectomy Pain Syndrome. I asked him when he thought the pain would ease up, but he had no answer. He just told me to make sure I controlled the pain and to let him know if things didn't get better as he wrote me a prescription for a stronger pain medication.

I left the office feeling unsatisfied and frustrated. For the first time in my life, I felt hopeless as I pictured a life dependent on pain pills. I could not see anything to hold on to, anything that made me believe I would get better, and I went back to the couch, medicating myself into oblivion.

Weeks later, Jake stopped by to check on me, and I told him to go away.

"Sorry, Princess. I'm not going anywhere so you might as well tell me what's going on."

"Screw you, Jake. Go home. I don't want to talk."

He pushed me and pushed me like the pain in the ass he was, and I finally talked. I talked a lot about that Post Mastectomy Pain Syndrome of mine.

"You're not alone, Bella. Some women have suffered from chronic pain issues for years after their mastectomies. It was ignored for many years, and women were told they just had to live with it, that it was the price they paid for being alive, but a time goes by, there is more research on the causes and how best to manage the pain. "

"Well, that's just great. I'll just sit here and wait until some mad scientist comes up with an answer. Thanks for the great insight, Jake."

"Stop being a brat, and use your head. Sitting here drugging yourself isn't going to help you find any answers, is it now, Bella? The way I see it you have one option."

He had that same stupid grin he would get in the hospital when he knew he was right, and I wanted to slap it off his face.

"And that is?"

"Get off your ass, and help yourself, Bella. It's time."

Jake saved me that day, and I would be forever grateful that fate brought him back into my life. I just didn't know it yet.

I didn't know where to begin so I started where anyone would - I googled it.

I spent hours reading articles and breast cancer discussion boards. I found women who were experiencing what I was along with other chronic pain issues, but the only answers they gave was which pain killer worked the best. They offered no hope, and I kept searching.

It was just one comment that was completely ignored by other posters written the year before. I almost missed it. Her name was Laura, and she described what her mom went through and how she dealt with it. She knew she sounded crazy, she said.

She was right. She did sound crazy. I had enough. I shut down my computer and went back to the couch.

I couldn't stop thinking about Laura and her comment, though.

At first, I thought she was an asshole and must have thought it was funny to post something so crazy. And then I thought what if, what if she wasn't an asshole? What if I had the answer in my hand and was throwing it away? I wondered if fate was handing me hope where I didn't expect to find it. I thought about fate leading me to the breast cancer group and Esme and all that brought me to Edward. It happened once - why not again? If I could find hope in a damn bra, why not this?

It took me a few days to actually try it.

I took my shirt off. I massaged the skin where my breasts were and under my arms and told my body to relax, that I had no longer had breasts. I repeated it out loud as I watched myself in the mirror.

It was based on mirror therapy that was beginning to be used by people who lost limbs and suffered phantom pain, Laura said. Her mom found out about it from a friend who worked in a program that was just starting to use the therapy on post mastectomy pain patients. She said our body needed to connect to what our brain knew. The nerves that were cut and healing were trying to connect to a breast that wasn't there, and this would tell your brain to turn them off, she wrote. Do it as often as you need to, she said. It was working for her mom, but she wasn't sure if it would work for anyone else.

I felt like an idiot the first time I did it.

The second time I knew I had definitely lost my mind and thought fate must have been laughing its ass off at me.

The fourth time I thought I felt a little better.

The seventh time I knew it was working.

Maybe it was a miracle or maybe it wasn't. Maybe it would have gotten better without doing anything, but I would never know. I would always believe my body needed an explanation to let it know what was going on and why part of it was missing. I didn't understand why, but somehow it made sense to me.

I posted about it on a few forums, but never had a reply. I'm sure they thought I was crazy.

I didn't want to hear anyone's skepticism and decided not to tell anyone until Edward walked in on me one afternoon, and I had no choice.

"Ummmm, baby, what are you up to?"

"Not much... just communicating with my body."

"Okay…"

He looked worried and ran his hand through his hair.

"Bella, exactly how many pain pills did you take today?"

I could see him trying to figure out how long it would take to detox me off the drugs I was clearly addicted to and laughed. Damn, it felt good even if I was laughing at my poor husband.

I told him the whole story and was a little embarrassed as I talked, wondering what he would think.

He didn't say anything for a few minutes and just looked at me. He seemed to be looking for the answers in my eyes.

"You look better, Bella. You don't have that desperate, haunted look any more. It's working, you're better, and that's all I care about so don't be embarrassed, okay? The truth is I would gladly cook up a concoction of beetles, worms and cow piss for you to drink if you asked me, if you needed it to heal."

Once again, Edward and I found hope in the strangest things.

It didn't cure me. I still had pain, but it was normal pain. The bungee cords and sand paper were gone, and my chest muscles were much stronger, but I was still stiff and sore, and the range of motion in my arms was pretty bad. It was still painful to move, and I continued to take pain killers. I knew I needed to start moving to heal, but I just couldn't seem to get myself off the couch.

One morning, I went into the kitchen for another pill and heard Edward talking on the phone.

"So when is she starting chemo?"

He saw me and said, "Shit," under his breath.

He looked physically ill when I asked who was having chemo.

When he didn't answer me, I knew.

"Why didn't you tell me, Edward? Why didn't anyone tell me?"

He just looked at me.

"Damn it, Edward. Answer me. How could you not tell me?"

"Bella, I'm so sorry you found out like this. You were having such a hard time… Angela didn't want you to know until you were stronger. She… we all thought it would be better…"

"Better? Better for who? For me? Do you honestly believe that not being there for her was better for me?"

"Bella, try to understand. You were suffering. We didn't think you were strong enough to handle it…"

He was right, of course. I knew it wasn't fair to attack him, but I kept at him until I broke down as the pain, a different kind of pain, took me over.

I finally found a reason to get off the couch.

I walked, I exercised, I stretched my arms and shoulders, but I didn't make any progress. I used weights and didn't use weights. My doctor, Edward and Carlisle all recommended exercises, but nothing worked, and I still couldn't get through the day without pain killers.

After another day of no results, I stood at the kitchen counter snacking on some granola and threw the box against the wall in frustration. Good move, I thought; now you have to drag out the damn vacuum cleaner.

Later, Edward and I were watching TV, and I realized the muscles on my right side felt better, that they had loosened up. I tried to figure out what I had done differently that day and didn't come up with anything until I remembered the vacuuming.

"No fucking way," I thought.

I jumped up off the couch.

"Bella, what's wrong? Where are you going?"

"To vacuum…," I yelled as I ran toward the closet where my hope resided.

It worked. I don't know why it worked, but it did.

Edward said he thought it was probably the back and forth movement along with the weight and resistance of the vacuum that helped me. He was thrilled that I was feeling so good, but he said I was kind of spooky between talking to my body and the damn vacuuming. I laughed and told him I was just unconventional when it came to healing myself.

Who knows? Maybe I was spooky, or maybe it was just fate fucking around with me again. I wasn't sure, and I didn't care. Sometimes you have to get through the struggles in life any way you can. Sometimes you just fall apart, and that's okay. I stopped beating myself up for not being that brave, uncomplaining warrior I wanted to be. Breast cancer brought me to my knees again, but I did my best, and that's all I could ask of myself. I found my own way and found my own answers. It wasn't quite the journey I expected to take, but when it was over, I realized all that mattered was that I got to where I needed to be.

And where I needed to be was with Angela.

When I went to her, we held on to each other and cried. We cried for her, and we cried for me.

When we were done, we went outside and talked.

"When I found out I had cancer again, I was going to refuse treatment, you know. I didn't think I could do it again…"

Hearing her say that was agonizing, and I wanted to tell her, "No, you have to fight. You can't give up," but I let her talk.

"…and then you flipped out in the hospital, and I took my head out of my ass and realized the people I loved needed me. I decided to do the chemo at that moment and somehow knew I could do it one more time. Isn't that crazy, Bella? The one thing that gave me the hope I was looking for was you acting like a fucking psycho."

We both laughed, and I told her that's the thing about hope. You might discover it in the strangest things, in the most unexpected places, but in the end, it doesn't matter where it comes from. Hope is hope wherever you find it.

* * *

><p>I know this chapter is a little crazy, but it is what happened to me after my surgery. I still have the link to that post, and I still have that vacuum (ha!). My mom had a much easier time after her mastectomies at age 72. It is different for everyone. Everyone has their own journey and their own story to tell.<p>

I had my surgery in December, 2007 and had to find my own answers to heal myself. Things are better now,  
>and Post Mastectomy Pain Syndrome and mirror therapy are getting more attention and research. That is a good thing.<p>

Thank you for reading!

Judy  
>xoxoxoo<p> 


	24. Chapter 24

**_Chapter Twenty Four. Now_**

_**Giselle:** Oh, you are unhappy. I am so sorry._

_**Robert:** I'm not unhappy, I'm angry._

_**Giselle:** Angry?_

_**Robert:** It's an unpleasant emotion. Ever heard of it?_

_From the movie Enchanted_

* * *

><p>Bella and Angela started chemotherapy on the same day, on a cold, rainy, gloomy Monday.<p>

Bella should have started sooner, but we decided, along with the doctor, to hold off until she recovered from the mastectomies. That's the way to do it, I thought – get her better just to make her sick again.

We tried to keep busy in the days before. Work was my solution and painting the kitchen was Bella's. We did a pretty damn good job of hiding from what was to come until the day she finished painting and decided to cut her hair and donate it to Locks of Love.

"Someone who needs it might as well enjoy it," she said.

I held her hand as she looked in the mirror and lost another part of herself.

"It's just hair, Edward. It will grow back," she told me, and she was beautiful, so beautiful, as she tried not to cry.

This was not what she should be doing, I thought. She should have been with her kids, enjoying her life, not having a care in the world, and I hated the fucking cancer for doing this to her. I felt smothered by my anger when I gave her a kiss and told her how gorgeous she looked.

Anger - it was always with me.

I wondered at the beginning of Bella's cancer treatment if the doctor in me would eventually take over, if there would come a time when it would get easier to watch her go through it. I saw suffering every day at the hospital. The faces behind the pain touched me, but I accepted it easily, the suffering and the sickness, as just a part of life. I never questioned any of it until Bella got sick, and I could not accept it. It didn't get easier. The more she suffered, the less I could tolerate it. The anger was always there - persistent, continuous, eating at me - as I smiled at her, as I comforted her and told her everything would be alright. I tried running, walking, deep breathing, and talking about it to Ben, to my dad, to Charlie, but there was no relief from it so I learned to hide it. I hid it in a place Bella would not see it, would not know, because there was no time for it, no time to give into it, not when she needed me so much. I would not give into what I saw as weakness, and I would not allow myself to fail her again.

She was quiet for the next couple of days, lost in her own thoughts, until we were taking a walk.

"I'm so sorry, Edward."

"Sorry for what, baby?"

"For all of this, Edward… for what I've done to your life."

I sat her down on a bench and looked at her.

"Please don't tell me you're apologizing to me for having cancer. I don't think I could stand that, Bella."

"No, I'm not apologizing for having cancer. I guess….. I guess I'm apologizing for what it's doing to you… all you're missing out on, all the things you should be doing besides this."

"So, after all you've been through and all you will go through, you're worried about what it's doing to _my_ life? Are you kidding me?"

"No, I'm not kidding you, Edward. I'm sure this isn't what you signed up for when you married me. You should be happy instead of putting your life on hold the way you are. You should be with someone who isn't so much trouble, someone who can offer you what you deserve… happiness, children…"

And there it was. We both knew Bella might not be able to have children after the chemotherapy, but she refused to talk about it until then.

"We can adopt," I told her.

"What if that doesn't happen? People sometimes wait years to adopt a baby, and some never get the chance."

"Then we adjust. Lots of happy couples don't have kids. I don't need children to be content, Bella, as long as I have you."

"But, I do, Edward. Don't you get it? I want to give you a son or a daughter. I want to have your child. I want a baby with your damn green eyes and crazy fucking hair. I want… God, I want, I want, I want…"

She cried, and it broke my heart. Out of everything she would lose, this was the hardest for her to come to terms with. We talked for a long time, and I hid the anger as I watched my beautiful girl accept something else that might be taken away from her and promised her everything would be alright.

She was sad after that, so fucking sad, until she woke up one day and said, "Enough."

"Screw cancer and chemo," she told me. "We are going to enjoy what we have on this day, at this moment."

She called all the people we loved and told them to get ready, that we were going out.

"I need to dance," she said.

It turned out we all needed to dance, even Charlie. We needed laughter, happy memories, and an evening free from cancer and all that it demanded from us.

Watching Bella and Angela dance was bittersweet. They were everything that life was supposed to be about - happy, laughing, free, limitless and full of joy - and no one wanted them to stop, no one wanted it to end. As we said our goodnights, as I watched everyone hug and kiss Bella and Angela and force themselves to let them go, I knew we all wanted the same thing for these two beautiful women. We just wanted them to keep on dancing.

Bella and I made love that night for the first time since her surgery.

"I'm ready," she said, "but I'm scared I won't be enough for you."

I kissed her scars as I told her she would always be enough, as I hated the cancer for making her feel she wouldn't be. She trusted me, and that carried her through as she gave herself to me, uninhibited and completely. The intensity of it, feeling her in every way possible and being that close to her overwhelmed me, and for the first time, I cried after making love. It was that beautiful. She was that beautiful. She cried with me, and then she smiled and got that look I knew so well, the look that said she couldn't get enough of me, that she needed more, and she kept me up all night.

*******************************.**

I thought I would lose my mind that first day as I watched the chemotherapy drip into her veins, and I had to stop myself from ripping the IV out of her arm and taking her someplace, any place, where she wouldn't suffer, where there was no pain.

My anger almost consumed me when she woke up in the middle of the night because her whole body hurt, because it felt like every cell in her body was turning inside out, and I hated the cancer as I held her while she cried.

Her hair fell out. She was exhausted. She had headaches and a sore throat. Her nose bled, and her joints and muscles ached. She was losing weight and muscle mass. She wasn't hungry and when she did manage to eat, she threw up most of it. The doctor gave her medications, but nothing helped. He also gave her medications to relieve the side effects from the medications that were supposed to help her and didn't, and they made her sicker.

No matter how bad she felt, though, when she sat with her parents, she told them it wasn't so bad, that she felt better than she thought she would. They were worried sick about her, and it was taking a toll on them. We all saw it. Renee, who had always been so young at heart, seemed old all of the sudden, and Charlie was…? Well, I wasn't sure what Charlie was. Charlie was just suffering, I think. You could see it in his eyes every time he looked at his daughter. No one knew what to do for them, but Bella thought she did. She lied. She lied because she thought that was what they needed. She tried to be convincing. When she knew they were coming over, she exhausted herself to play the role she thought she needed to play. She got dressed, put on makeup, and made sure she was wearing a cheerful scarf over her beautiful, bald head. She ate with them even though she wasn't hungry and would probably throw it up afterward, and she talked to them even though she didn't have much to say. After they left and she was almost too exhausted to walk into the bedroom, I begged her to stop as I cursed the cancer that made her do this. I knew she wasn't fooling them. Everyone knew she wasn't fooling them - everyone except Bella.

They played along with her until Charlie couldn't do it anymore.

"You need to cut the crap, Bells."

Bella's mom looked like she was going to cry.

"Charlie, please, don't…"

Bella put on her most innocent face.

"What are you talking about, Dad?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Bella. You're skinny as hell. You're weak. You can barely shove that food you're pretending to enjoy down your throat. Stop pretending everything is great, and stop lying to us."

We all could see that Bella felt bad.

"I'm sorry. I just didn't want you to worry."

Renee hugged her daughter.

"We know that, honey."

She looked at Charlie, and he nodded.

"Your dad and I have been doing some research, and well, we think there is something that might help you."

"Okay, what is it, Mom?"

Renee looked at Charlie, and he nodded again.

"We think you should take pot."

I was taking a sip of water and choked on it.

Bella looked at her mom.

"_Take_ pot? Is that what you just said?"

"Yes, honey. Maybe that's not the right term. Whatever they do. Smoke it… or maybe snort it… I don't know. Actually, I think you can eat it now."

Bella laughed, really laughed, for the first time in weeks.

"I don't think you can eat pot, Mom. You do know this is illegal, right, Dad?"

"Not in the State of Washington if your doctor prescribes it. Medical marijuana is legal. You just need to get approval from your doctor to get a license. And you can eat it, Bella. They are called edibles, Miss Know-it-all."

And so we began our medical marijuana journey thanks to the Chief of Police of Forks and his wife.

Bella was against it at first.

"I teach little children, for God's sake. I can't be smoking pot."

But she didn't have to smoke it. Charlie was right - edibles made with pot butter were available. We researched it, and I was impressed with what I read, but Bella continued to resist until the chemo wore her down. Angela also decided to go the medical marijuana route. She was on a far more intensive chemotherapy treatment and was doing worse than Bella.

*******************************.**

_Edible Releaf_ was the name of the place.

Clever, I thought, as we went inside.

None of us knew exactly what to expect, but it certainly wasn't the tastefully decorated shop we walked into. It looked… well, it looked normal. All around us were baked goods in glass display cases – brownies, pecan bars, cupcakes, cookies, lemon bars, rice krispie treats, cheesecake – and everything looked delicious. Another display case was full of chocolates, candy and bags of pot. Next to it was a cooler full of what looked like juices and other drinks. There were also shelves on one wall stocked with bottles of creams and lotions.

We looked around in amazement. It's not like we had never smoked pot. We all dabbled occasionally growing up, but none of us thought we would ever see this assortment of marijuana products being sold legally.

All Ben could say was, "Holy fuck."

Bella looked around and said, "It looks like a bakery."

Angela laughed.

"What did you expect – black lights, psychedelic colors, and Jimi Hendrix music in the background?"

"Well, not the black lights," Bella said as she looked around and laughed.

"Not the black lights. Funny, Cullen."

We just stood there, looking around, and I imagine we looked pretty lost and dumbfounded.

Ben whispered, "What do we do now?"

Just then, a woman came out of a door at the back of the shop, took one look at us, and started laughing.

"Well, hello there. My name is Leah, and I own this shop. I'm guessing this is your first visit, folks?"

We just stared at her. She was so… normal. She reminded me of my grandmother.

Bella was the first to snap out of the daze we were all in.

"Hello. Yes, yes, it is our first visit. I'm Bella. My friend here, Angela, and I… we are on chemo and… well, I'm sure you figured that out because we are both bald… and we need… you know… some pot."

"Well, you've come to the right place then, honey," Lead said, laughing, as she put her arm around Bella and gave her a hug.

Leah was a wonderful, compassionate woman who took the medical marijuana business very seriously. She lost her husband to cancer, she told us, and watched him suffer through many rounds of chemo. She believed medical marijuana would have helped him greatly, but it wasn't available at that time. She was a successful real estate agent and had no plans to change careers, but something called to her in the years medical marijuana was debated in the state. She researched, she educated herself, and opened her shop when the legalization bill was passed.

"It turns out I'm very good at this. Who knew selling pot was my calling? My family still thinks I'm a little crazy, but I know my Sam is up there watching me and is completely delighted."

She took her time with Bella and Angela and explained all the products and strains of marijuana and their effects. She recommended edibles to both of them and thought they would really like the brownies. She baked them herself, she said, from an old family recipe that didn't include marijuana butter, of course. She warned them that the brownies were very potent, and Bella and Angela found out exactly what that meant during their first pot brownie experience.

Ben dropped the kids off at his parent's house for the night, and we went over to their house. Somehow Bella and Angela came to the conclusion that Angela's house would be better. It was something about the colors and the 'vibe' there, they said. We were kind of ridiculous. Bella and Angela sat on one couch, and Ben and I sat on the couch across from them to 'observe' them. They each ate a small corner of a brownie while Ben and I stared at them, waiting for something to happen.

Ben was unbelievably nervous.

"So, do you feel anything yet?"

Angela smiled at her husband to try to keep him calm, I think, and said, "No, nothing. Of course, it's been years since I've smoked pot, and I don't really remember what it felt like. What about you, Bella?"

"Well, I only smoked pot about four times, and I don't remember any of it. And I don't feel any different now."

Ben and I continued staring at them.

"Stop staring, you two. You're making me nervous. Watch TV," Angela said as she turned on the TV.

Some stupid vampire movie, Twilight, was on. Ben went to grab the remote, but Angela beat him to it.

"Don't you dare. We love our vampires."

I laid my head back on the couch and closed my eyes for a few minutes. When I looked up, Bella and Angela were completely absorbed in the movie - unbelievably absorbed. I don't even think they were blinking.

"Ben!"

He didn't answer. The dumb shit was also absorbed in the movie.

I elbowed him.

"Look at them. I think they're feeling something."

Ben walked over to look into their eyes. Neither one of them reacted as he stared into their eyes and waved his hand in front of their faces. They were way too absorbed with that creepy red headed vampire and way too high.

Twenty minutes later, they were both fast asleep.

Ben panicked.

He checked to see if they were still breathing.

"Holy shit. Do you think they're okay? Maybe we should bring them to the hospital and have a doctor look at them."

"I am a doctor, you idiot. They're just high, Ben. Calm the fuck down."

They both slept through the night for the first time in weeks.

I was already awake when Bella opened her eyes.

"Where are we, Edward?"

"Don't you remember, baby? We're at Angela and Ben's house."

"Oh, yeah, I do. I remember eating the brownie and watching the movie. God, I love that vampire, and I especially love that his name is Edward. But that's all I remember."

"Well, you remember it all then, Mrs. Cullen, because that's all that happened. You both passed out pretty quickly. How do you feel?"

"Hhmmm… how do I feel? I feel… at least I think… I feel hungry. Holy shit, Edward, I'm hungry. I'm actually hungry."

She jumped out of bed.

"Get up. I need to eat. I hope they have some food around here."

Ben was already cooking with a huge smile on his face when we went into the kitchen. Who knew it would make two men that happy to see their wives so hungry? They didn't eat as much as they thought they would, and Bella did get a little nauseous, but they didn't throw up, and that was a major milestone in our world of cancer and chemotherapy.

The medical marijuana wasn't a cure. They still had their bad days, especially on the days the chemotherapy dripped into their veins, but it was probably the best it could be for them while they were on chemo once they figured out how much of the brownie to eat to get the relief they needed without becoming zombies or passing out. It helped them enormously. Their appetites increased, the nausea and throwing up improved, and they both gained weight. They also had more energy and less pain.

The funny thing is they didn't seem high; they seemed.. well, they seemed normal.

There were days, though, when they seemed to be just really high. Not often, just every once in a while. It was always on a day that Angela didn't have the kids, but that was just a coincidence according to them. They looked at us innocently as they said they didn't know what happened, that they ate the same amount of brownie they always did. There must have been a higher concentration of pot in that part of the brownie, they told us, as they tried not to laugh.

The first time it happened, Ben and I believed them.

We even believed them the second time.

The third time, we knew they were bullshitting, but figured what the hell – they deserved a little fun.

They talked and laughed, and Ben and I listened to the most hilarious conversations we had ever heard. We laughed just as hard as they did at some of the shit they came out with. It was wonderful to see them laughing, and Ben and I enjoyed every second of it. Bella wanted to watch Enchanted one afternoon for the first time in months, and I thought I would burst with happiness. I felt some of the anger ease when I saw the joy in her face as she watched that silly damn movie and thought maybe I finally had it under control.

*******************************.**

Ben and I walked in the door one night after a basketball game and heard them talking in the family room while they listened to some blues. We sat at the kitchen table, drinking a beer and just listening to them, because we loved to hear them talk, those two women who loved each other so much, who comforted each other in a way Ben and I could not.

"Well, you know, Ang, if we find JFK, we find Marilyn Monroe."

"Bella, Bella, Bella. You're forgetting about Jackie. She's there now. She's not going to let Marilyn within ten miles of him."

"Oh, yeah, I never thought of that. Well, maybe we'll find Marilyn with Bobby. His wife is still alive, right? She'll never know."

"I never thought of that. You are really good at this, Bella."

"Oh,wait, that won't work. I think a couple of his kids are there, and they would never let that happen. Damn it, we are never going to find her. Maybe we should start with someone easier… like Michael Jackson."

They both started laughing hysterically.

"What are they talking about," Ben asked.

"Who the hell knows, Ben. You know how they are when they're high."

They started rattling off names.

"Martin Luther King."

"Princess Diana."

"JFK Jr."

"Thomas Jefferson."

"Abraham Lincoln."

"Jim Morrison."

"Definitely Jim Morrison. I bet he'll be with Janis and Amy Winehouse making some kick ass music."

"Oh, Heath Ledger. If you get there before me, Angela, you definitely need to find Heath right away."

What the fuck, I thought.

And then I realized what they talking about - dead people, people they wanted to meet when they died.

They talked about their funerals next – who they thought would be there, what they wanted to be dressed in, where they wanted it held.

Angela wanted Bella to give her eulogy. Bella wanted Angela to give hers.

Angela wanted to wear a blue dress. Bella wanted to wear my favorite red dress.

Angela hoped her old boss didn't come to her funeral because he was a dick, and Bella wondered if anyone would show up at hers.

I could feel the anger, the rage, building and tried to control it. This was a conversation that I could not understand. Maybe they needed to talk about this to get past the fear, I thought, as I tried to stay calm.

"Do you think you're going to die, Ang?"

"Yes… yes, I do, Bella. Do you?"

"I don't think so, but maybe, maybe I will. At least we'll be together, and that makes it less scary for me," Bella said.

And with that, I lost it.

Ben saw how angry I was and tried to stop me from going into the other room.

"Edward, don't. Calm down."

But for once, just one time, I wasn't going to calm down. I wasn't going to pretend, and I wasn't going to hide the anger. It wasn't possible for me to hide the anger.

"Stop! Just fucking shut up, both of you," I yelled.

I wasn't mad at them. It was the cancer, the goddamn cancer. They should have been talking about other things, happy things, instead of sitting there bald and filled with poison, talking about their funerals and who they wanted to meet when they died.

I threw my glass across the room and kicked the coffee table over before Ben grabbed me.

"I'm sorry. It's not you… either of you… it's… it's the cancer."

Bella just stared at me.

Angela came over and hugged me.

"It's okay, Edward. Ben went through this. We get it, and we love you."

They left to give us some privacy.

Bella said nothing as I walked outside to cool down.

I stared into the backyard and saw her, healthy, vibrant and smiling as she walked to me the day we were married, and thought of the sick woman in the house. I kicked a deck chair across the deck. I threw another one off the deck. I felt like I was going to throw the table through the window and walked out into the yard to try to get control of myself.

When I turned around, Bella was calmly watching me.

I walked over to her.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I just can't be as dignified and serene as you are. I hate the fucking cancer. I hate what it's doing to you, what you've lost because of it…"

"Come in the house. It's cold out here, baby," she said as she took my hand and pulled me inside.

Our favorite song came on as we walked into the family room - Etta James singing 'At Last'.

"Dance with me, Edward."

She didn't say anything; she just held on to me. We danced, and I felt like one of those fucking idiots on Grey's Anatomy who were always dancing it out when they had problems - the doofuses I always laughed at when Bella watched the show.

I wasn't laughing, though, as I held onto her, and the anger dissolved.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I need to be strong for you and look…"

She put her finger up to my lips to quiet me.

"Listen to me, Edward. You have been with me every step of the way. When I needed strength, I looked for you, and you were always there, always at my side. Even at my worst when I was barely civil to you, you were there, loving me no matter what I said, no matter how I acted. You have endured as much as I have and have, without complaint, seen me through my darkest days. I don't know if I could be as strong as you have been, as incredible as you have been, if I had to watch you suffer. You don't have to hide this. It's not weakness to be angry at something that is hurting someone you love, and it's not weakness if sometimes you just have to fall apart. I love you. I've shared my pain with you; now it's your turn to share yours with me."

We kept dancing, and I pulled her closer and whispered in her ear.

"I really hate the fucking cancer, Bella"

"I know you do, baby. I know you do. I hate it too."

She gave me a kiss and made me laugh when she said, "But let's find a different way to deal with it instead of wrecking the house, okay?"

I looked at her and saw the unwavering love she had for me, even at my weakest moment. The person I thought I needed to be strong for at any cost was giving me the strength I needed. I didn't know if I would ever be free of the anger over Bella having cancer, but I stopped running away from it that night when I found what I needed to get through it.

I needed her.

I needed her quiet strength and understanding.

I needed the love she had for me and the honesty and grace she brought into my life.

I needed her to hold on to when I felt like I would fall.

And I needed her to keep on dancing… with me… forever.

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	25. Chapter 25

**_Chapter Twenty Five. Now_**

_The goal is to live a full, productive life even with all that ambiguity. No matter what happens, whether the cancer never flares up again or whether you die, the important thing is that the days that you have had you will have lived__! – Gilda Radner_

* * *

><p>Six months.<p>

A lot can happen in six months.

You can grow a new head of hair, different hair, coarser and curlier with a little tiny bit of gray mixed in.

You can gain fifteen pounds, the fifteen pounds you lost and couldn't afford to.

You can smile and laugh and go back to work, part time at first, and cry when your kids come running to you. You can eat all the food you love and go to the movies. You can take long walks with your husband, cook dinner, make love and plant flowers. You can have a manicure and a pedicure, watch Enchanted and have the oil in the car changed. You can go grocery shopping and renew your license plates, empty the dishwasher, and take dance lessons with your best friend so you could dance all the time.

You can walk back into the world, leave cancer behind, and get your life and yourself back.

I didn't think I would.

There were days when it was just too hard, and I wanted to pull the chemo line out and walk away.

There were days I knew Edward wanted to pull it out, and I wanted him to. I wanted him to do that for me.

Those were the days I questioned whether life was worth the pain it took to hold onto it.

I forgot much on those days.

I forgot how to be grateful for being alive, for anything.

I forgot what it was like to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day instead of dreading it.

I forgot what it was like to feel good, to go an entire day without pain and throwing up, and I forgot who I had been and the life I had.

I would forget it all, everything, until Edward brought me a cup of tea or hugged me and told me how much he loved me, and I looked into his eyes and saw all I needed to remember.

He was my strength.

He helped me take one more step when I didn't think I could.

He was always with me and never failed me, even when he thought he did, loving me, taking care of me, never letting me fall.

They deserved a special place in heaven, these people like Edward who take care of us, the sick ones, the ill ones who are allowed to scream and cry and complain and talk about our suffering while they couldn't, while they had to soothe and comfort us and convince us everything would be alright to keep us going, to keep us attached to life in any way they could. There was no time for them to cry.

That devotion, that selflessness, does not come without cost.

Edward also needed to walk back into the world and leave cancer and the worry and anger that had become his constant companions behind. He also needed to heal. Cancer beat Edward down as much as it beat me down; it just beat him down in a different way.

It was hard for him at first, letting go of it all, and that scared me. The cancer took just about everything from me and I, in turn, took just about everything from Edward to survive, and I wondered if I took too much. Some couples don't heal; they just fall apart from everything that comes with cancer. Or maybe they were already falling apart and couldn't see it until the cancer turned their lives inside out and uncovered it all, and there it was, right in front of them. I wondered if we would ever be the same until he looked at me one afternoon and smiled. It wasn't the smile I was used to – the forced smile that never reached his eyes, the smile that said he really wanted to cry. It was a different smile, a smile that lit up his face, a smile that came from a place of happiness and contentment.

Edward and I were lucky. After the cancer, we found more in each other, not less. He looked at me and saw grace and courage and never once resented me for all I took. Edward saw the best in me, even in my worst moments. I looked at him and saw strength and an astonishing capacity to love, to give. I saw a man who was the best person I knew, the best person I would ever know, and I wondered how I could ever repay him for all he did for me. We became closer, never thinking we could. He breathed out and I breathed in - that's the way it was with us.

At first, as my hair grew in and our lives settled down, we tried to pretend we were free of cancer, that it was all behind us, but we both knew you never really leave cancer behind. It would always be there, lurking in the shadows, and we had to find a way to live with that instead of spending our days looking over our shoulders, scared, waiting for cancer to find me again. I eventually came back to the place where I started, the place of acceptance and gratitude for being alive, for being diagnosed early and coming through treatment with no lasting physical problems. It wasn't about fairness or who deserved to get cancer or who didn't; cancer is just about the most unfair thing we face in life. Anyone can get cancer, and you either accept that or live your life full of anger and resentment. It took Edward longer to come to terms with that, but in time, he did. That we would end up in that place was inevitable. Living each day and every moment we had completely and fully, free of fear and anger, was the only path possible for Edward and me.

No one exemplified living each day to the fullest more than Angela. Her chemo lasted two months longer than mine, and she too walked back into the world when it was over. Sometimes I think watching Angela come alive again gave me more happiness than my own recovery. My heart soared as she cherished and delighted in every moment she had. She loved, she loved so much, and the people she loved were better having her in their lives. _ I_ was better with her in my life. If Edward was my strength, Angela was my inspiration. She taught me how to 'do' cancer with grace and courage every minute of every day.

Some of my best moments in those six months were spent with Angela. We thought we would never laugh as hard as we did when we 'accidentally' got really high off the medical marijuana, but we were wrong. That laughter was an escape from what our lives were, and there was desperation behind it. Our laughter after the cancer was full of joy and happiness and a feeling that everything was truly right with the world, especially when we were dancing.

She was free of cancer as far as the doctors could tell, but still, her future was undetermined, and no one knew if she would have all the moments she should. Everything in me believed she would be the miracle, that she would be the exception to all the bullshit handed out by the doctors when they talked about probabilities and possibilities. I couldn't imagine it any other way as I watched her laughing and playing with her kids. I knew she would be there to see them grow up, just as I knew she would have a long, happy life with Ben.

I kept this all to myself until she started talking about the latest bullshit probabilities and possibilities one afternoon - probabilities and possibilities I could not bear to think about. I told her to shut the fuck up, that they were wrong, that I knew I would not lose her, that I could not lose her.

She was surprised by my reaction and tried to laugh it off. She told me I was all screwed up and needed many hours of therapy to cure my sick, unhealthy dependence on her.

I told her I couldn't think of a better person to be sickly dependent on, and maybe I was a whacko because my life would be empty without her and those hearts, those two hearts she left me every day on Facebook to let me know she was okay. I laughed as I told her this, but every word was true. My life _would_ be empty without her and those silly damn hearts.

Of course, Angela saw right through me. I could see the sadness on her face. She loved me and needed me to be okay and knew just what to do. She decided we needed a family dinner. I laughed while I listened to all the ridiculous reasons she came up with to convince me this dinner had to be at my house and cooked by me, but I knew what she was really saying.

_Let's not waste a moment being sad or angry, Bella. Let's not waste today. It's all we really have._

As we walked into the kitchen to plan the meal she convinced me to cook, I grabbed her hand and told her I loved her. I didn't need to say anything else; she knew I heard her. We understood each other, Angela and I.

Even though I jokingly gave Angela a hard time and bitched about being manipulated into cooking dinner, I was excited. I needed this dinner. I needed to reconnect with everyone and laugh and talk and try to give them back some of the love and support they gave me. They also needed this dinner, I thought. Cancer is a family affair, and it was as hard on them as it had been on Edward and me.

The doorbell rang, and I knew it was my mom and dad. They were the only people who would arrive two hours early because Renee always insisted on coming early to help me. I ran to the front door, anxious to see them. They suffered the most through my treatment, and I was worried sick about them.

"Hey, you two. I'm so happy to see you. Come on in. You don't have to ring the doorbell, you know. I keep telling you to just walk…"

They didn't move.

"What? What's wrong," I asked them as they stood there staring at me.

And then I realized what they saw.

It had been a few weeks since they last saw me, and the person standing in front of them was different.

They saw longer hair and eyebrows.

They saw someone who had gained weight, someone who had more color and looked healthier.

They saw someone familiar.

They saw their daughter again.

They had tears in their eyes as they both smiled. They weren't the smiles I was used to. Those smiles were full of agony and broke my heart every time I saw them. These smiles were different. They lit up their faces and came from a place of joy and relief. My parents were happy, happier than I'd seen them in a long time as they linked their arms through mine, stepped into the house, and walked back into the world with me.

I saw those same smiles over and over that night on all the people I loved.

Cancer took a toll on all of us. We were changed forever, probably in ways we were yet to discover, because that's what cancer does - it changes people. We had a few more lines on our faces, a little less innocence about life, and a new definition of happiness and what life should be. We discovered just how strong we were and how weak we could be. We held on to each other and pushed each other away. We accepted what was real one day and cried out in anger and fear at the unfairness of it all the next. Through it all, each of us fell down and felt like we failed in one way or another, but there was always a hand reaching out to hold on to, ready to help us up.

I looked around at the people I loved most in the world and saw a family, a crazy, imperfect family who cried with me, suffered with me, and loved each other and me with every fiber of their being. What got us through was love, understanding, patience and kindness, and there was an abundance of that sitting at the table, laughing, talking, happy to be together again.

I wanted to scream the words - just two words- that were flowing through me to the world in joy.

_We survived._

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	26. Chapter 26

**_Chapter Twenty Six. Now_**

**Giselle:** _Why are you staring at me? _

**_Robert: _**_I don't know; it's like you escaped from a Hallmark card or something._

_**Giselle:** Is that a bad thing?_

_From the movie Enchanted_

* * *

><p>I watched Bella sit down in front of the computer to type her hearts for Angela on Facebook.<p>

She was healthy and beautiful, so damn beautiful. She had breasts again. She loved them, and so did I. It took her a year to do it. She didn't want a doctor touching her, and she didn't want to be violated with needles and scalpels or recover from anything. She just wanted to be for a while.

That's what we all wanted after the cancer treatment. We just wanted to be.

And we were, for two glorious years.

We had everything.

I think they will be the best years we will ever have. Maybe not, though. I'm not sure. Right now I think they will be.

We did a lot of living in those two years, the four of us, Angela and Ben and Bella and me. It was another chance at life for us, especially for Bella and Angela. They took living every moment to the fullest seriously, very seriously. There was always something they wanted to do or try or learn, and they never stopped for a second.

Living every moment to the fullest with them was sometimes exhausting and terrifying for Ben and me, but we went on the ride with them gladly and never regretted a moment. They wanted to go skydiving, and Ben and I were up for that or so we thought until we looked down right before we jumped. They wanted to learn how to play pinochle and bridge, and we said no and then gave in. They wanted to play strip poker one night, and we said absolutely not and didn't give in. We went camping and tailgating at football games and, of course, we danced. We danced a lot. We took the kids to the zoo and the movies and endured Disneyland for five days. We discovered the beauty of Mexico. They wanted to go bungee jumping and then chickened out after Ben and I went first, and we were all pissed off.

"We wouldn't have jumped off a fucking tower attached to a rubber band if it wasn't for you two talking us into it," we told them.

They just laughed, of course.

They always laughed.

They laughed about Bella's elephant nipples during her reconstruction until the doctor finally reshaped them.

They laughed at Ben and me as our eyes bugged out when we saw them walk out onto the beach in Mexico in the smallest fucking bathing suits we ever saw; well, on them anyway. They had a bet to see who would chicken out first, but of course, neither of them did, and we had to put up with every male on the beach drooling over our wives all day long. They thought it was hilarious.

Something Ben or I said or did was usually what they laughed about, but we didn't care. If two women ever deserved to laugh, it was them.

That's what I loved the most about Bella and Angela - their laughter, any time they were laughing. When they came home from dance class to show us their new moves and laughed while they tried to teach them to Ben and me. When they played hide and seek with Angela's kids and laughed when Lauren and Mike found them. When they looked at each other, knew just what the other one was thinking, and burst out laughing at some joke no one else understood.

There were so many happy days, and we lived as if we didn't have a care in the world. I suppose there was no other way to do it, not for us, anyway. Bella had an unyielding belief that Angela would be her miracle, that she would not lose her, and after a while, we all began to believe that. It was so easy to forget she was living on borrowed time. Now, when I look back, I can see so clearly that Angela knew she didn't have enough time and wanted to fit as much living in as she could in the days she had. I think deep down Bella knew also, but I'm not sure.

I walked over to Bella as she typed her hearts over and over, dozens of hearts, and grabbed her hands.

She did this every day, typing those hearts, crying when she didn't receive them back.

"It's okay, Bella. Come on, baby. You need to stop now," I whispered to her.

I held her while she cried and thought of the better days, the happier days, like the days Bella sat in that very spot laughing hysterically while she chatted on Facebook with Angela. I always wondered what the hell they were chatting about, but never asked. Somehow I knew that I would be better off not knowing. They could have just as easily talked to each other on the phone or ran over to each other's house, but they didn't. They just loved that damn Facebook chatting.

They were crazy, those two.

I held her while she said the same thing she did every day.

"Why Angela," she asked me over and over again. "She deserved to live just as much as I do. Maybe more," she said.

I hated when she said that, and I hated that I had no words to comfort her, no words to heal her.

We lost Angela on a Sunday morning, just as dawn was breaking.

She fought - God, how she fought - and stayed with us longer than we thought she would. We were grateful for that, and we found comfort from it, but it did not erase the unending heartache losing her brought. We were devastated. We mourned her loss and searched our souls to find some meaning in her death.

Ben was heartbroken, lost, and I thought he was just going to lay down and die with her. I know he wanted to, but he didn't. She made him promise to be strong, to not to give up and to live every moment of his life fully for the kids, for himself, and he kept that promise. It was the last thing he could do for his precious wife, he told me.

Angela wanted that for all us - we knew that - and as hard as it was, we tried to honor her wishes.

Bella could not.

She broke our hearts almost as much as losing Angela did. What happened to her is hard to put into words. She was just gone. Her light, her essence, her soul, whatever you want to call it, was gone. She was inconsolable, and her grief consumed her. Bella was disappearing, and we stood helplessly by as we watched this beautiful woman leave us piece by piece. I think the hardest thing was the silence. Bella didn't laugh anymore. She didn't smile. She didn't tell me funny stories or tease me when I was being an idiot. She was completely joyless, empty. She didn't believe in fate, love and magical moments anymore. She didn't believe in anything. When we told her Angela would not want this for her – me, our families, even Ben - she walked away.

"What difference does it make," she asked. "Angela is dead."

She was so incredibly strong for Angela during those last months. I know it took everything she had, and maybe that's all she would ever have to give. Maybe it all just used Bella up.

Those two years when we had everything ended one night at dinner at Angela and Ben's house. I remember stupid details about that night. We had broccoli, and the plates were red. It was raining, and Angela had yellow curtains in the dining room. I remember thinking how cheerful they were and how much I hated them as I listened to her.

She knew when we were in Mexico two weeks before.

"I didn't want anyone to know, not even Ben. I wasn't ready to ruin everything… the happy times, the laughing. I just wasn't ready to let it go."

I watched Ben hold back his tears as Bella asked me to pass the butter.

That's all she said. "Please pass me the butter, Edward."

She buttered her roll and looked around the table.

"Oh, shoot, Ang, we forgot to put the gravy on the table. I'll get it," she said calmly as she walked into the kitchen.

We waited for her, silently.

"I'll go see if she's okay," I told them.

The kitchen door was wide open, and I found her out in the rain, crying.

"This wasn't supposed to happen, Edward. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I don't know how to let her go. How am I ever going to let her go?"

I let her cry for a few minutes and tried to get her in the house, but she stopped me.

"No, I can't. I can't go in there right now. Don't you understand? I need to be strong for her, as strong as she is. I need to do this for her."

I stood in the rain with her. I put my arms around her, and she grabbed my shirt with both hands and held on tightly, so tightly, as if it was the only thing left to hold on to. She rested her head against my chest and took deep breaths, deep, deep breaths, one after the other, slowly, as she stopped herself from crying and found the will to travel those last steps with Angela.

Angela was waiting for us when we came back in. Bella went to her and hugged her. She took her hand and told her she loved her, and that's all that needed to be said. They understood each other, those two.

Angela kissed her on the cheek and smiled.

"You know you're getting me and my kitchen soaking wet, don't you, you fucking nutball?"

They laughed, of course.

They always laughed.

Bella took a leave of absence from work and was with Angela and Ben every day. She was with Angela on the day her treatment started, and she was with her the day Angela decided to end it. She took care of the kids, she took care of Ben, and she took care of their families. She cleaned, she cooked, and she did laundry. She helped Angela with her showers and read to her when she was too weak to hold a book. She cried when our family showed up to help. She was there when hospice delivered the hospital bed, and she was the one who put Angela's favorite sheets on it. She held Ben when he cried. She made sure I bought fresh flowers for Angela every three days. She laid in bed next to Angela and held her hand as they watched comedy after comedy so they could keep on laughing. She danced for Angela when she could not. I was there with her every night, helping her and trying to get her to stop moving, just for a few minutes, but she wouldn't. She went home exhausted, too exhausted to think, too exhausted to feel, and I suppose that is what got her through.

When it was time, she spent the afternoon with Angela, just the two of them, and they said their goodbyes. After, she stepped aside and left Angela with her husband and family in her final hours while she sat outside holding my hand, waiting.

I thought she would stop then, when the sun came up without Angela, but she didn't. She had one more thing to do. I wasn't sure she could do it.

"Bella, please. You don't have to do this," I whispered as I grabbed her arm.

"I have to. This is the only thing she asked of me."

She took my arm off of hers and wiped her tears away as she walked to the podium.

She stood in front of everyone Angela loved for a few minutes, trying to pull herself together. When she smiled, I knew she was thinking about Angela and their crazy eulogy conversation. I imagined Angela standing there with her arm around Bella, whispering in her ear, "C_ome on, Bella. Get your shit together. You can do this, kiddo," _and I cried as she started to speak.

"_Angela was my best friend, and we talked about everything. We talked about this. A few weeks ago, she asked me not to talk about how wonderful she was at her funeral. She didn't want that kind of eulogy, she said. When I asked her what the hell I was supposed to talk about then, she laughed and proceeded to tell me exactly what I should say. _

_What she wanted me to say was not about her, it was about all of you - how much she loved you, how much she worried about everyone, and how sorry she was to bring you such sadness. It was very important to her that you knew she lived every moment she had to the fullest and that she was so grateful for every one of those moments. She had some regrets, but not many. All in all, it was one hell of a ride, she said. She wanted you to know there is only one thing you can do to honor her memory, to make her happy. Tell them to keep dancing, she told me. They need to keep dancing._

_When I told her that wasn't enough, that there had to be more because I wanted to talk about her and how wonderful she was, we started bargaining so I guess this will be the first negotiated eulogy you will ever hear._

_She didn't want me to say anything corny or make her into some super woman. She was just a person, she said, a person who did her best while she was here. When I told her she was so much more, that she was everything, everything that mattered - kind, loving, brilliant understanding, courageous, funny, compassionate, hopeful - she said that made her sound like some sort of saint and tried to veto it, but I won on that one because she was. She was everything._

_I pointed out what a wonderful wife and mother she was, and she agreed to let me say this because that was what her life was about – loving Ben, Lauren and Mike. _

_She didn't want me to remind anyone she was a lawyer because, you know, no one really likes a lawyer._

_We agreed on the following things. She loved to dance, and she loved pink roses. She had a wicked sense of humor and told brilliantly funny cancer jokes. She also had the most wonderful laugh I've ever heard, just so carefree and joyous. I'm not supposed to say that, but I'm breaking my agreement because it needs to be said._

_She didn't want me to say I will miss her every second of every day, that I loved her like a sister from the second I met her, and will continue to love her for the rest of my life because she thought it would make me cry, but it's okay, Ang; I can do this._

_Angela also wanted me to personally ask every woman here if they were up to date on their mammograms and harass them if they weren't. I said absolutely not so we compromised on just reminding everyone to get a mammogram. Please, please, please. That last part is from Angela._

_She asked me to share this poem and hoped it would bring all of us some comfort. It's actually a prayer, a Hopi prayer, and she loved it._

_**Do not stand at my grave and weep;  
>I am not there. I do not sleep.<br>I am a thousand winds that blow.  
>I am the diamond glints on snow.<br>I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  
>I am the gentle autumn rain.<br>When you awaken in the morning's hush  
>I am the swift uplifting rush<br>of quiet white doves in circled flight.  
>I am the soft stars that shine at night.<br>Do not stand at my grave and cry;  
>I am not there, I did not die.<strong>_

_I'm supposed to shut up now because Angela said there is nothing worse than making people sit through a long, boring eulogy that goes on and on and on, especially when they know half of what is said isn't true. I agreed to do that, but would like to add one thing we didn't negotiate. I think she will understand._

_In all this sadness and heartache surrounding us today, we need to remember one thing, the only thing that's important. She loved us, she loved us so much, and that makes us the luckiest people in the world. To have had this extraordinary woman in our life, to be touched by her in any way, even if it was just for a little while - this is what we should all be celebrating at this moment instead of crying. I know Angela would love that." _

By the time Bella came back to her seat, she was gone.

********************.

On a night when she sat at the kitchen table lost in her own thoughts after I pissed her off by making another attempt to convince her to see a counselor, the doorbell rang.

It was Jake, looking about as uncomfortable as I'd ever seen a person look.

"Hey, Jake. This is a surprise. Come on in."

"Yeah… I have…. I just came over to check on Bella."

"Nothing has changed since the last time you saw her, Jake."

I thought he was going to cry as he pulled an envelope out of his jacket.

"This is… it's for Bella, from Angela. She gave it to me about a month before she died. I have no idea why she picked me and didn't feel like asking. It's what she wanted, and that was good enough for me. Maybe because I'm not family, but still close to you guys? I'm not sure. She asked me to keep it and made me promise to get it to Bella if she needed it. She said she thought she would. She told me it was okay to mail and even put a damn stamp on it as sick as she was, but I couldn't just dump it in a mailbox so here I am. I'm worried this is going to make her worse, Edward. Maybe it's better if I leave it with you and let you decide…."

We both saw Bella standing in the doorway at the same time.

"Give it to me, Jake."

She walked over to him and held out her hand.

"Please, Jake, give it to me."

She held it to her heart as she went into the kitchen while I thanked Jake and walked him to the door.

I heard her as I walked into the kitchen.

She cried before, but not like that. I had never heard anything that sad and heartbreaking. There was so much heartache, so much sadness and loss and agony. I could feel her pain with every sob. It came flowing out of her all at once, all those things she could not face.

She looked at me and handed me a card and a picture, unable to speak. It was the first time I thought she actually saw me, saw anything, in a long, long time.

It was a picture of the two of them, both bald, both beautiful, looking at each other and laughing. The picture captured their love, their friendship, and their specialness when they were together perfectly, and it broke my heart and made it sing.

I looked at the card and smiled a little. It was a Hallmark card, an Enchanted Hallmark card.

I was overcome with love for Angela, this wonderful woman who loved my wife so much and knew her far better than anyone could have imagined, as I read the card.

_To my darling Bella, my sister, my friend, my heart._

_I know what you are doing, and I want you to stop. Please don't do this. This is not what I want for you. _

_I know you are asking yourself why. I'll answer that for you in the only way I know how. Why not me? Shit happens, kiddo. This is life - sometimes there are no answers. It could have just as easily been you, Bella, and I know you would have wanted me to live every precious moment to the fullest after you were gone. My peace in my new life will come from watching you and all of the people I love do just that. Please stop crying, and get off your ass and live. Dance, Bella, dance…all the time…for me. Fate, love and magical moments – I want you to believe in those things again. They still exist, even if I'm not there._

_I'm alright, I promise. I love you, and I know I will always be in your heart. _

_You made my life better, Bella. You made everything better._

_Watch over Ben and my kids for me, okay? _

_Angela _

_P.S. I'm off to find Marilyn. I'll give her a hug for you, Cullen. _

She stared at the picture and gently touched Angela's face.

"I miss her so much, Edward."

I kissed her sweet face and didn't say anything. She needed time. I knew that.

I know she took long walks. I know she visited Angela's grave every day and stayed there for hours. I know she looked at photos and cried. I know she watched videos from happier times and laughed. I know she read that card over and over.

Days later, she smiled at me. It wasn't the smile that lit up her eyes that I loved so much, but it was still a smile. It was real, and it was a beginning.

"So, Edward…"

"So, Bella…"

"It's time to start living again. It's the last thing I can do for her."

I told her it really wasn't the last thing she could do for Angela. It was just the beginning of what she could do for her, just the start of all the days Angela wanted her to have.

She did exactly what Angela asked her to do because they understood each other, those two.

It took her a while, but she did it.

She lived.

Oh, how she lived.

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading. xoxoxo<p> 


	27. Chapter 27

**_Chapter Twenty Seven. Now_**

_I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity. - Gilda Radner_

* * *

><p>I thought I had the flu. When I didn't get better, I knew I had cancer again.<p>

Of course, I hid it from Edward because that's what I do.

I sat in the same chair I sat in when my life changed a time or two in the past as I waited for my oncologist to give me the bad news.

"Bella, I had a hunch and ran a test I didn't tell you about."

Oh, shit, she looks like she's ready to cry, I thought. This must really be bad.

She smiled a little then, and I thought maybe there was still some hope for me.

"Santa came really early with your present, Bella Cullen. You're pregnant, Bella. You are pregnant. I know how much you wanted a child, and I'm so happy for you."

"What? I don't think I heard you correctly. Can you please repeat that? Slowly?"

"You… are… pregnant."

"How? I thought it was impossible. I have those weird short periods, but didn't think..."

She laughed as she told me, "Well, obviously, that was enough. It's a bit of a miracle, but sometimes things are just meant to be, Bella, no matter what the odds are. I think they call that fate."

I smiled at that. Fate, love and magical moments - my life revolved around those things.

I jumped out of my chair and hugged her.

"I have to go."

My days of sneaking out of the hospital were over. I ran through the hallways to make it real. I ran to Edward. Telling him would make it real, and I wanted it to be real. Nothing was real until I told Edward.

I was crying and laughing as I jumped into his arms when I saw him at the nurse's station. I knew I was making a spectacle of myself in front all those people, but I didn't care.

"Edward…Edward. We're going to have a baby. A baby, Edward. A baby with your damn green eyes and crazy fucking hair."

I have never seen anyone so shocked and so happy. Honestly, I thought he was literally going to burst with happiness.

When it was real, I told her.

_It happened, Ang…_

We waited until Christmas Day to tell our family and decided to tell them in the corniest way. We framed a picture of the two us holding a '_We're pregnant!'_ sign along with Baby Cullen's first ultrasound picture for each of them. We laughed as we wrapped them because it really was so damn corny, but we knew they would love it.

She was probably laughing also, I thought.

**********************.

They were all at our house for Christmas dinner - my mom and dad, Esme and Carlisle, Alice and Jasper and their new baby boy, and Rose and Emmett and their two sons. Our family is only producing boys, but who knows? Maybe I'll be the one to give the family a girl. Jake and his family were there. Edward was finally okay with Jake being his honorary brother because after all, he had rescued me a couple of times when no one thought I could be rescued. Of course, Ben and the kids were there. Lauren and Mike are beautiful and happy. Angela would be so proud of Ben. He kept his promise to her and made life wonderful for their children and himself. Bree and her kids were spending their first Christmas with us. She lost her husband to cancer about the same time we lost Angela. Bree and Ben needed each other. They both knew what it was like, losing someone you loved and trying to live again. He said they are just friends, but I think it is more, and I know Angela would be happy. Bree is lovely and everything she would want for Ben and the kids. I told him that, and he cried.

Edward came into our bedroom, looking for me.

"What are you doing, baby? Everyone's waiting for you to open presents."

"I'll be right there, Edward. Just give me a few minutes, okay?"

He saw the picture I was holding then, the picture of Angela and me that I loved so much, and understood.

I looked at our picture and touched her face. What I wouldn't give to see her one more time.

Four years.

Four years since we lost her.

Four years without her.

I love her.

I miss her.

I read Angela's card every day. Sometimes, on the hard days, on the days missing her overwhelms me, I read it every hour. Every time I do, I feel her arms wrap around me and hear her whispering in my ear…

"_Keep going, Bella, don't stop. Enjoy every moment, kiddo, and live your life well for me, for yourself."_

I did what Angela asked of me. I started living again and celebrated her, her unwavering courage and optimism, and her life. After she died, I didn't think I would be able to go on, but she knew I could. She knew me so well and loved me so much, and I am grateful every day I had her for the time that I did. I honor her memory by treasuring every second of my life, just as I would have wanted her to do if I had lost my battle with breast cancer instead. I know she is proud of me.

As I walked to the computer to leave her my hearts, the hearts that told her I had another day, I heard my crazy, wonderful family chanting my name, calling to me to join them.

I can do this later, I thought.

I was laughing as I threw Angela a kiss and ran to the people who were waiting for me.

I knew she would understand.

I needed to get back to my life.

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading! xoxoxo<p> 


	28. Epilogue

**_Epilogue._**

_And they lived happily ever after…_

* * *

><p>I tried not to wake up Edward as I got out of bed.<p>

"Bella, honey, where are you going?"

"The baby…"

"What baby? We're too old to have a baby."

"What baby? I swear you are getting senile, Edward Cullen. Our first grandchild? The one with your damn green eyes and crazy hair sleeping in the next room while we babysit. Our son's child. You remember our son, right?"

"Ohhhh…_that_ baby. And yes, smart ass, I remember our son. Whatever his name is."

Poor Edward. I still like to give him a hard time, but he worried me. Between trying to keep up with things at the hospital when he should be thinking about retiring and dealing with that damn knee replacement, he was exhausted.

"Go back to sleep, and get some rest, Edward, please. I'll be back in a little while. I love you."

I smiled as I picked up my granddaughter and kissed her sweet face.

We had a girl. We finally had a girl.

I didn't get all the miracles I wanted in my life, but I did get my share, like this wonderful little person I was holding in my arms.

"You know, she is almost as beautiful as her grandma, Mrs. Cullen."

I looked over and saw Edward standing in the doorway, eating chocolate pudding.

He still loved chocolate pudding, and he still took my breath away.

"Couldn't sleep. I guess I needed to see my girls."

"Where is your cane, Edward? You're supposed to be using that cane."

"Screw that. I don't need any damn cane," he told me as grabbed my ass and took our granddaughter from me.

Yeah, he still liked to grab my ass. It was a bigger ass now, but he still seems to enjoy it. He also still loves my boobs. Because of the breast cancer and the implants, I still have the boobs of a 30-year-old. Well, maybe a 40-year-old. The rest of me is sagging an inch every day, but my boobs are still nice and perky. It's kind of funny.

"Well, hello there, gorgeous. And why are you up in the middle of the night? Please tell Grandpa why, little Miss Angela."

I smiled every time I heard her name. Naming her after Angela was a gift to me from our son and wonderful daughter-in-law just because they loved me so much, they said. I told them it wasn't necessary, but it was a no-brainer for them when they thought about the circle of life and all that crap, our son told me. I laughed when he said that. He definitely had a way with words, just like his dad.

Angela would probably call us ridiculously sentimental even though she would secretly love this. I knew she would love this little girl as much as she would love her own grandchildren. I wished they could know her, know how wonderful she was. I think she knows them, though, just as she knows I'm okay. Facebook is gone, and I can't leave her those hearts anymore to tell her, but she knows. Somehow she knows.

Our granddaughter twisted Edward's nose while she laughed, and it was pure joy.

"Come on, Edward, let's go put Enchanted on and see if we can get this little girl to sleep."

"Ah, you are starting the fate, love and magical moments brainwashing early with this one, I see."

"Yes, I am. It's never too early, that's what I say."

I turned on the movie and kissed them both.

Edward whispered, "I love you," in my ear and looked at Angela.

"Well, my beautiful Angela, guess what time it is. Yes! You're right! It's time to dance!"

I looked at the picture of Angela and me and smiled as we danced with our granddaughter. I knew she was smiling too. My life has been long and happy, and I wasn't done yet. I might be moving a little slower, but I'm still dancing… every single day… just the way she wanted.

* * *

><p>Thank you for coming along on this journey.<p>

I lost my dad in between my two experiences with breast cancer, and that three years taught me one thing. It's not how you die that matters – everyone dies – it's how you lived and how you loved…that's what matters. So love, live every moment, appreciate every second, and keep dancing, just keep on dancing.

I volunteered at the Ronald McDonald House here in Denver for a couple of years before I got sick. It is a wonderful place – so full of love and hope. It's funny how that worked out. Those brave, wonderful kids and their families were my inspiration when I needed it. They taught me how to do cancer.

Visit the Gilda's Club website.

**Please, please, please remember to get your mammograms and do your self-exams.**

Thank you to, momz. Love you!

I'll be writing again. It won't be a story like this…although, I did have my gall bladder out last August and I'm wondering if I can get a story out of that. Ha! Just kidding!

Thanks again.

Love, Judy  
>xoxoxo<p> 


	29. The Crazy Eulogy Conversation

Hi! I've had this in my head for a few months and finally decided to write it. I think I wanted one more moment with Angela and another peek into the beautiful friendship Angela and Bella had. I hope you all are dancing and getting those mammograms! A couple of new things coming soon. Judy xoxoxo

* * *

><p><em><strong>The Crazy Eulogy Conversation.<strong>_

_When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. - Henri Nouwen_

_**********************************._

Bella was in a chair in the corner reading when I woke up. She jumped up as soon as I whispered her name.

"I'm here, Ang. I'm here. What do you need," she asked me as she knelt down on the side of the bed.

"I have to tell you something, Bella."

"I'm listening, Ang. Tell me."

"I think we should get high one last time."

"What?"

"I said… I think we should get high."

She leaned back and ran her hand through her hair.

"You want to get high? That's what you wanted to tell me? That's why you scared the shit out of me? I'm practically having a heart attack here, Ang. I could just strangle you."

It was out of her mouth before she could stop it. She put her hand over her mouth and just looked at me. I swear she was going to cry.

She got up and walked out of the room.

"You're right. We need to get really, really fucking high," she said when she came back, carrying a brownie.

She broke off a piece and handed it to me. I noticed she broke off a huge piece for herself.

"I'm surprised you're willing to do this, Mrs. _'Always Follow the Rules, Goody Goody Two Shoes'_ Cullen," I told her as the pot kicked in, and we both relaxed.

"Well, technically, I'm still legal since I have a valid medical marijuana license. Telling my best friend who is fighting cancer that I could kill her – that's what is driving me to drugs. I might even dip into your morphine and pop a Percocet to help me forget that. I'm a horrible person."

"Well, you're my horrible person, and I love you just the way you are."

We both thought about this profound statement I made for a while.

I was the first one to focus again.

"I want to make love again, Bella. I really miss being that close to Ben."

"Oh, do you want me to get him? I can go into the other room and wait until you guys are, you know, done."

God, she made me laugh.

"Bella, I can barely hold my head up. Do you really think I can have sex?"

"Well, hell, I don't know. There are other things you guys can do, things Ben can do, and you won't even have to move."

"Been there, done that, Bella. Can't even do that anymore."

We sat silently, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

I was thinking about the last time Ben and I made love, really made love. It was the night before I started my last and final chemo treatment when I still felt good. It was glorious. I wanted to melt into him somehow and stay there forever. I was a lucky woman, having a man like Ben.

I knew what Bella was thinking about. She was searching for that last strand of hope that kept her going. When she found it, I knew exactly what she would say before she said it.

"You will, Ang. Just hang on. You'll get through this."

She still told me these things sometimes. She couldn't quite let go of the belief that I would be her miracle. I loved her for that. I forced her to face reality every time she said something like that, though. I tried to, anyway. She needed to face what was real.

"I'm dying, Bella. You know that."

"Must you be so morbid? Can't you just treasure every second like a normal cancer patient, Baldilocks?"

She always did this, tried to joke away what she could not face. It always made her laugh when she called me Baldilocks. It made me laugh too – she was such a goof.

I decided to push this dose of reality a little further and take advantage of the fact that she was stoned.

"We need to talk about my eulogy, Bella," I said, hoping she would agree. I'd been trying to have this conversation with her for weeks.

She groaned. "God, you never stop. I don't want to talk about you dying so what makes you think I want to talk about your eulogy?"

"Can't you just humor me, Bella? I am battling cancer, after all.

'Oh boy, here it comes. The cancer card. You have no shame, Ang."

"I don't want you to talk about how wonderful I was. I don't want that kind of eulogy."

"Stop."

"No. You're my best friend. You're supposed to care about my last wishes." I knew that would get her. Guilt – it was strong motivator.

"That chemo definitely messed with your thought processes. You want me to give your eulogy and not talk about you. Brilliant, Ang, just brilliant. What the hell do you suggest I talk about then?"

"I can't wait to hear this shit," I heard her mutter under her breath. I didn't care, though – I had her engaged. We were finally going to have the eulogy conversation. I just hoped she would remember it when her buzz wore off. I was quite worried about that until my stoned brain came up with a brilliant idea. Aha, I'll have her write it down, I thought. I was really very impressed with myself.

"Run and get paper and a pencil, Bella. Hurry. I want you to write it down."

"I've got this, Ang. Don't worry. I'll remember."

"No! You'll forget. You have to write it down, Bella. Go get the paper and pencil." I was quite adamant. I wanted to make sure she started writing before I forgot I wanted her to write it down. This happened a lot when I was high – forgetting things. My attention span kind of abandoned me.

"Damn. You're bossy when you're stoned."

"I just don't want you fucking up my eulogy or my last wishes. If you don't write it down, you will."

She turned around and threw me the finger.

"Throwing a woman with cancer the finger. Nice move, Cullen," I said, laughing.

This is exactly why I loved Bella. Everyone else kind of tiptoed around me, treating me like some kind of invalid. It bugged the hell out of me even though I actually was an invalid. Bella didn't treat me like that, even when she was taking care of me. When she helped me into the shower and had me laughing about some crazy story she was telling me, I forgot I was 90 pounds and could barely walk. She polished my nails one day and put polka dots all over them while I was sleeping, and I forgot I couldn't sit up without help anymore. I wanted her to put make-up on me on a day my parents were coming to see me, and I ended up looking like Bette Davis in the movie "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane". I think we laughed about that all afternoon, especially when Ben and my parents came in and tried to act like I looked beautiful. I didn't forget anything that day as I saw the agony on my parent's faces, but it helped me get through it. When she read to me, she used different voices for all the characters. I forgot I couldn't even hold a fucking book any more, listening to Bella trying to imitate a male voice. She was so bad at it, and it usually took us hours to get through one chapter because we were laughing so hard. Sometimes - not all the time, but every once in a while - I even forgot I was dying when I was with her. I felt like I had all the time in the world on those days. This was her gift to me. Nothing changed, no matter how sick I was. We were just us. I knew it wore on her, that it exhausted her sometimes, all this laughing when she just wanted to cry, but she kept on going and did everything she could to make sure we were always just us.

"Okay. Shoot," she said after she sat down.

I was getting my thoughts together as she started making large dots down the margin of the page. It was completely distracting.

"What the fuck are doing, Bella?"

She looked at me like I was an idiot.

"I'm making bullets."

"You're going to bullet point my eulogy? Are you going to put it in a PowerPoint presentation also? That will be touching."

Just the thought of that kept us laughing for half an hour as we designed my eulogy presentation. We decided to put wings on one of my pictures and have me fly in on every slide like I was a little angel dropping in from Heaven. Then we decided to put wings on the pictures of all the dead people we wanted to meet and have them fly in with me. Then we decided to have little paparazzi angels fly in behind all the famous dead people we wanted to meet, trying to get a picture of them. We finally shit canned the whole idea because we had too many little angels flying in and not enough room for my words.

Ben and Edward came in to check on us in the middle of all this. They saw us laughing hysterically while Bella drew pictures of little angels and decided it was best to leave. They didn't quite get us sometimes.

Our buzz was pretty much gone by that time. I was nervous that Bella wouldn't want to continue the eulogy conversation, but she surprised me, of course.

"So, where were we?"

"You're still willing to do this?"

"I'm your best friend, right?"

"Yes."

"This is important to you, right?"

"Yes."

"Well, then this is important to me. Let's do this."

She wrote down exactly what I wanted to say to the people I loved in my life. I didn't want to cry as I told her, but I did.

"I want you to tell everyone how much I love them, how much I worry about them, and how sorry I am to bring them such sadness. Make sure they know I lived every moment I had to the fullest and how grateful I am for every one of those moments. There are a few things I regret, but not many, thank God. All in all, I had one hell of a ride. There is one more thing, Bella, and it is very important so write down exactly what I say. Tell them there's only one thing they can do to honor my memory, to make me happy. Tell them to keep dancing, Bella. They need to keep dancing."

I knew Bella was ready to break down, but she held herself together. She remained strong, strong for me, and gave me another reason to love her.

"One other thing. I want you to speak to every woman there and harass them if they are not up to date with their mammograms."

"Oh, no, Ang. I'm not going to do that at your funeral. You're fucking nuts."

"You have to. Maybe, just maybe, if I had paid more attention, if someone had harassed me, I wouldn't be…"

She grabbed my hand and whispered, "Don't do that. Please. Don't go there. I can remind everyone when I'm speaking. Is that okay," she asked while she wiped away my tears.

"Yeah, that's good, Bella. Thank you. Oh, something else. Don't remind them I'm a lawyer. Everyone hates fucking lawyers. I want them to think good thoughts of me that day, not remember me as some shyster asshole attorney."

"No one will be thinking like that, Ang."

"Are you sure?"

"Very sure."

"I guess that's about it then. We're done. See how easy that was?"

"I hate to tell you this, Ang. We are most definitely not done."

"Yes, we are. What else is there to say?"

"This isn't enough. I want to talk about you and how wonderful you are."

"That's exactly what I don't want, Bella. None of that corny bullshit. I don't want you to make me sound like some super woman. I'm just a person, a person who did her best while she was here.

"You're so much more than that," she said as she wrote.

She handed me a bulleted list, proud of herself for finally being able to use those bullets.

_* Kind  
><em>_* Loving  
><em>_* Brilliant  
><em>_* Understanding  
><em>_* Courageous  
><em>_* Funny  
><em>_* Compassionate  
><em>_* Hopeful_

"You're everything, Ang, everything that matters," she whispered as I read her list.

"This makes me sound like some kind of fucking saint, Bella. I forbid you to say this."

"You _forbid_ me to say it? I have news for you. There's not a damn thing you can do about it."

"I'll haunt you for the rest of your life. Every time you turn around, you'll see my ghostly presence."

"God, I hope so. I hope you're always there when I turn around," she whispered.

I knew she was about to break.

"Is this too much, Bella?"

"No, it's not. I'm okay. But…can I… can I get in the bed with you, be next to you? I think I need to…"

I used every ounce of the energy I had left to make room for her. It was one of my favorite things in the world, having Bella so close while we laughed and talked my life away.

"Okay, so what's next, Ang?"

"Nothing. We're done. Oh, wait, the poem. You know, the poem I love? The Indian Prayer? I want you to read that. It will be comforting for everyone, thinking about me as a rain drop or flake of snow or the wind. I want to be the wind, I think. That sounds so perfect to me."

"I will. I promise I'll read it. I like the wind thing also. It will feel like you're hugging me when I feel the wind blowing around me. I like that a lot, Ang. I'll need that, you know. I'll need to know you're close."

"I'll always be close to you, Bella. You know that, right?"

"I know. I know you'll always be there."

I knew she was bullshitting me. I knew she was scared, thinking about life without me. I knew she was wondering how she would ever be able to come to terms with my death, and I knew it would be almost impossible for her do that. I knew exactly what she was going to do. I had a plan, though, to help her. I hoped it would help her, anyway.

"So that's that, Bella. That wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Umm, no, it isn't, my lovely friend. It's still not enough."

"Oh, for God's sake. What else do you want to run on about? What else is left?"

"You don't want me to mention what a wonderful wife and mother you are? What's that all about?"

"Well, I just figure they would know that. Everyone knows Ben and the kids are my life. If they don't, they shouldn't be at my fucking funeral because they didn't know me at all."

"It's worth saying, and you can't stop me so it's in. I just wrote it down, and it's official. Next."

"Well, I love to dance."

"That's a good one. You also love pink roses."

"I have a wicked sense of humor."

"You tell brilliantly funny cancer jokes."

"Yeah, put that in. Edward will love it."

"You have a wonderful, joyous laugh."

"That's not true. I cackle when I laugh. I sound like an idiot."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"You don't. I love your laugh, and I'm putting it in so tough shit."

"Okay, so now we're done."

"No, there's something else I want to say. I need to say it."

"You are really taking advantage of the fact that I won't be there to stop you, aren't you, Cullen? What is it?"

"I want them to know I will miss you every second of every day, that I loved you like a sister from the second I met you, and will continue to love you for the rest of my life."

"You don't have to do that. I know that. I know how much you love and how much you'll miss me. Please don't. It will get you too upset."

"I can do it, Ang. I promise. I know I can."

"You can't even say it now without crying, Bella."

"Trust me on this one, okay?"

"Trust you? Well, fuck, I guess I don't have a choice on that one, do I?"

That made her laugh.

"No, you don't, so shut up."

"Okay, so we have our plan. You'll say all the things I want you say, all the bullshit things you want to say, and then you'll read the poem and shut up. That's perfect. There is nothing worse than making people sit through a long, boring eulogy that goes on and on and on, especially when they know half of what is said isn't true."

"Yeah, it will be a great fucking eulogy, Ang. I can't wait to give it," she said. Her voice was full of sadness and bitterness.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

"Sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I'm just tired tonight."'

"I'm not surprised. You are doing way too much around here, Bella. Stay home tomorrow and relax."

"Nope," she said, sleepily.

"I am ordering you to stay home. I'm telling Ben not to let you in the door."

"Screw you, Ang. I'm coming," she told me right before she fell asleep.

I laid there, holding her hand and staring at her beautiful face. I loved her so much. God, I needed her to be okay.

Ben and Edward came in a few minutes later.

"Take her home, Edward. She's exhausted. Make her stay home tomorrow. Please?"

"That's not going to happen, Angie. You know that," he said as he bent down to pick her up.

She wouldn't let go of my hand and he whispered to her, "Come on, baby. You need to let go."

She whimpered and woke up just a little bit.

"I can't, Edward. I can't let her go. Please. Don't make me let go of her."

"Shh… it's okay, Bella. You'll see her tomorrow."

I could see the tears in his eyes as he held her close to him. He was so loving and gentle with her. I was so grateful she had such a wonderful man to watch over her.

"I love you, Angela. We'll see you tomorrow. Don't worry about Bella. I'll take care of her."

"I know you will. I love you, too. So much, Edward. So much."

Ben laid down with me after they left.

"Hey, beautiful. Got a kiss for your old man?"

That made me laugh, and I knew that made him happy. My husband loved to hear me laugh.

"I have all the kisses you can handle, old man."

"Bring it on, baby. Bring it on."

We kissed and held on to each other until the kids came running in. Ben sat me up, and I watched him read a book to them, gazing at their beautiful faces. My family, my life. I hoped they knew how very much I loved them.

Later, as my family slept near me, I took out the Enchanted card I had ordered off the internet months before and started writing.

_To my darling Bella, my sister, my friend, my heart…_

* * *

><p><em>They are just lovely together, aren't they?<br>Thank you for reading! I'll see you soon... xoxoxo_


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